The New Adventures of Mr Stephen Fry » Topic: Alarming Little Things

The New Adventures of Mr Stephen Fry » Topic: Alarming Little Things http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things Just another bbPress community en-US Tue, 21 May 2013 21:26:53 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/search.php Clive on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/59#post-285781 Fri, 20 Jul 2012 21:48:06 +0000 Clive 285781@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ <blockquote><cite>Frazzy <a href="//www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/59#post-285243"">said</a>:</cite> checks out the windows repeatedly</blockquote> I love the image of this, LOL! It makes me picture a dog going from window to window repeatedly like a secret agent on a mission, pulling aside the blinds and peering out. I had possibly the worst bingo-based experience it's possible to have last Monday. I was calling a game of bingo, and called a wrong number. I immediately corrected myself, but, as is typical in these situations, the customers (about 500 of them, in a vast hall), all began to mutter and grumble, and I was put off. Wrongfooted, I called another wrong number. Louder muttering and grumbling. The odd 'Boo.' By now frazzled and 'off my game,' I began to call this new flyer we have, that's called more quickly than conventional bingo - each number is called twice in conventional bingo, first in its constituent parts and then its entirety (i.e. 'Three and one, thirty-one,'), whereas in this game, each number was only called once. Which I explained before we began. But bingo players don't take too kindly to change. Shortly after I began to call the game, it all went to Hell in a handbasket. People were shouting, booing and shouting, 'You're rubbish!' At the same time, I could see customers who were on my side trying to defend me. One man slammed his hand down on his table and screamed, 'Shut your mouths!' Completely distracted and distraught, I lost it completely, and validated a claim incorrectly. At which a woman behind me said, 'It's YOU! It's YOUR FAULT she missed that claim. You're calling the numbers TOO FAST.' My boss came up onstage, said, 'Are you alright?' I said, 'No,' burst into tears and walked out of the hall. I sat in the smoking shelter crying for half an hour, with bosses and team leaders trying to comfort and reassure me that it happens to every bingo caller at some point. At which I thought, 'Then WHY THE HELL does anyone ever call bingo?' This is completely and utterly cruel and unnecessary treatment of a human being in response to the most trivial mistake. I didn't sign up for this when I was born. Then I got back up and called the Late Session. I cannot believe I did this. But I did. And I got a round of applause. Fickle bingo players. I need to get OUT of here. I've decided to become a stand up comedian. I think it would be less stressful. Frazzy on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/59#post-285243 Tue, 26 Jun 2012 23:55:30 +0000 Frazzy 285243@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ It is alarming that, in a house full of devices, the low battery beep of just one thing completely freaks the fuck outta my dog.. he shakes, jumps on and off of laps and beds, cowers under beds, checks out the windows repeatedly and gets tangled in the blinds... Clearly it is some sort of evil demon phone thing. I think we should throw it into Mount Doom. Clive on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/59#post-284977 Sat, 16 Jun 2012 11:44:32 +0000 Clive 284977@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Lol, I had a vague idea it was some sort of geological feature to do with water. At least I had the water part right <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_lol.gif" title=":lol:" class="bb_smilies" /> As far as alarming things go... I may have just listened to Jelly Roll Morton's original recording of 'Winin' Boy Blues.' <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_eek.gif" title="8O" class="bb_smilies" /> <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_eek.gif" title="8O" class="bb_smilies" /> <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_eek.gif" title="8O" class="bb_smilies" /> <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_eek.gif" title="8O" class="bb_smilies" /> LMAO! I really can't understand why Hugh Laurie didn't use the original lyrics in his cover <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_mrgreen.gif" title=":mrgreen:" class="bb_smilies" /> <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_wink.gif" title=":wink:" class="bb_smilies" /> Frazzy on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-284689 Mon, 04 Jun 2012 07:10:25 +0000 Frazzy 284689@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Find a levee burn it down... seems like wood isn't the best thing to build levees out of. TobiasMonk on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-284409 Sun, 20 May 2012 14:30:40 +0000 TobiasMonk 284409@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Delta Blues <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_wink.gif" title=":wink:" class="bb_smilies" /> A levee is just a barrier which runs parallel to whatever the water source is. The western part of Mississippi, the Delta, is situated between 2 big rivers and floods often, like it's neighbor Louisiana. New Orleans has hundreds of them. Clive on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-284407 Sun, 20 May 2012 12:16:02 +0000 Clive 284407@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ After many years of listening to Blues music... <a href="http://lmgtfy.com/?q=what+the+fuck+is+a+levee%2C+anyway%3F" rel="nofollow">http://lmgtfy.com/?q=what+the+fuck+is+a+levee%2C+anyway%3F</a> <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_eek.gif" title="8O" class="bb_smilies" /> Stefi on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-284329 Wed, 16 May 2012 19:58:52 +0000 Stefi 284329@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Wow I thought clocks were only this evil at other people's houses... I totally agree, and that's why I have a dgital clock <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_wink.gif" title=";)" class="bb_smilies" /> My stomach is alarming. I did some Hochreck (high-horizontal bar) gymnastics last tuesday (not yesterday) and I can still feel that in my stomach muscles when I get up or... well, use them. It's gotten a lot better in the last few days, though. Before that, I was very alarmed at having sore muscles for so long! I guess I'm just not as fit as I used to be, which, in itself, is quite alarming. Frazzy on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-284283 Tue, 15 May 2012 02:05:45 +0000 Frazzy 284283@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Alcohol poisoning is alarming. Turns out, when medication is labelled 'must be taken with food', they don't include a bottle of gin in their definition of food. Who knew? Yes, Yes, I know, everyone knew. But I'm a fool. I jump out of my skin at any sudden noise or movement or anything, even when expecting it. HOLY SHIT TOAST POPPING UP. you'd think almost 28 years on the planet would get one accustomed to toast popping up, but I jump every fucking time. If I had such a door buzzer, I'd likely have dismantled it, violently, long ago. I once destroyed a phone because the ringer refused to be turned down,.. and a clock... that kept ticking.. in a taunting manner. It was an evil clock. It was all like.. tick, you loser, tick, ahahahaha, tick, everyone else can ignore me, tick, you're insane, tick, you can't stop me, tick, ahhrggh. My mother was most displeased.. Clive on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-284261 Mon, 14 May 2012 13:24:40 +0000 Clive 284261@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ My door buzzer is alarming. My entire flat is only about six square feet in area, but the door buzzer could wake a dead, drunk, anaesthetised narcoleptic buried in a ten-foot grave three hundred miles away. Every time someone presses it (often accidentally, at three in the morning), I jump out of my F-ing SKIN. Then, of course, my skin is empty for any random passing vagrant to jump into and run around like a madman until I chase him down and get it back <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_wink.gif" title=";)" class="bb_smilies" /> I'm waiting for my shopping to arrive from Tesco's now, and I tell you, I'm on edge. I know it's coming, that door buzzer, but still, when it happens, I'll spring three feet in the air vertically from my chair and shriek, 'Chriiiiiiist!' I always do, no matter how well I prepare myself for it. What is the POINT?! Frazzy on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-283629 Sat, 28 Apr 2012 11:52:15 +0000 Frazzy 283629@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Accidentally dressing entirely in bright fucking yellow is alarming. One should look at their clothes before putting them on.. Frazzy on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-283577 Thu, 26 Apr 2012 21:59:15 +0000 Frazzy 283577@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Waking up to discover that someone has replaced the kettle with some sort of... futuristic..... device... is quite alarming. joan on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-283445 Tue, 24 Apr 2012 02:48:30 +0000 joan 283445@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Oh, about my previous post - I just noticed that the photos have been swapped around a little on that site. Anyway, that place where they got married is called Riverglen: it is a purpose built function and wedding venue. it was on the banks of the Brisbane River at Indooroopilly where the ceremony took place and the photos are set. Here's where they are on their honeymoon. It is about an hour and a bit drive from where they live, near Maleny, a very pretty area, <a href="http://www.treetopseaview.com.au/" rel="nofollow">http://www.treetopseaview.com.au/</a> Frazzy on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-283407 Mon, 23 Apr 2012 12:24:08 +0000 Frazzy 283407@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ I once woke up in complete darkness with a huge spider on my foot, tried to shake it off onto the floor, but was disoriented and instead shook my foot into the wall, breaking my toe.. the upside was that I completely forgot to panic about where the spider had gone.. I would not wear a bridesmaids dress for anyone.(But would wear leather knickers.) I got invited to a 'hens night' once, that was alarming... and it was happening at the house I lived in.. I hid in my room, and the dog sat on my lap growling fiercely whenever anyone came near my door.. such a good dog. Penises do somewhat change in colour yes,.. as do labia.. I've never thought to measure a penis though. joan on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-283405 Mon, 23 Apr 2012 10:36:06 +0000 joan 283405@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ A very alarming thing was being mother of the groom on Saturday. Well, James (our eldest lad) and Dianne got married on Saturday the 21st of April. It all went really well, and right now they are having a great honeymoon at Montville, Maleny, Qld. Anyway, a sneak peek at their wedding photos can be accessed at: <a href="http://www.vivacityphotography.com.au" rel="nofollow">http://www.vivacityphotography.com.au</a> Blog page (bottom option LHS) Dianne and James Wedding sneak peek. Anyway, on the group photo, third row middle, Terry and I are on the RHS behind the bridesmaid in the blue dress. I'm wearing maroon and Terry has a red bow tie. David, our other son is on the black and white photo bottom middle next to James. Hope it works Love to everyone Joan Clive on "Alarming Little Things" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/alarming-little-things/page/58#post-283391 Mon, 23 Apr 2012 00:29:32 +0000 Clive 283391@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Lol, that 'waking up' moment is a perilous one! Once before I jerked so suddenly out of a dream that I fell out of bed and got wedged between the side of the bed and the bedside table, mwehehe. Fortunately I landed face-down on a postcard of Seven of Nine from Star Trek:Voyager, so I snogged that and then unwedged myself. I had an alarming morning yesterday - I had to go to a bridesmaid's dress fitting. My sister remains in complete wilful denial about my transgenderism. If I don't 'bridesmaid it up' in August, we shall forever be estranged. It's maroon. I'm going to have to wear a padded bra. I shall be TRAUMATISED!! I'm also alarmed by the fact that I just spent an hour and twenty minutes trying to order a softskin prosthetic penis from a naughty website only to be told that they don't deliver to my country. It took me a lot of self-steeling and soul-searching to bring myself to even attempt to order a prosthetic penis in the first place. There were three options to choose from. 'Soft,' 'Medium' and 'Firm.'. How was I supposed to choose? How firm is firm? How firm do I want it to be? Should it be perpetually firm? Also, the 'soft,' 'medium' and 'firm' categories were all different colours. Does that happen with real penises? I've never seen one. The balls were apparently three-dimensional. How is this a bonus? Surely that would be a given. Why would it ever occur to anyone to manufacture a replica penis with two-dimensional testicles? Also, there were three lengths to choose from. The 'small' length was five inches. I'm no expert, but that seems a bit long. Am I going to look like a man, or like an insane exhibitionist pervert, with five a minimum of five inches of firm softskin in my underwear? All these things I fretted over for hours and finally managed to find the mental resolve to order the bloody thing (extra small, medium - a sort of washed-out beige tone). I enter all of my bank and address details and even sign up for an account on this site - I am now a Basic Member of a sex toy website. I get points and everything. 'Love Muffin' points or something, I think they call them. Will I ever use, wear out and have to replace enough prosthetic penises that I amass enough Love Muffin points to get a free pair or leather knickers or candy string thong or pair of titanium nipple clamps? Do I even want these things? I think not. And I get told they don't even deliver to my country! I am officially alarmed. May they EAT MY BUN! <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_evil.gif" title=":evil:" class="bb_smilies" />