The New Adventures of Mr Stephen Fry » Topic: The Fluffette Chronicles

The New Adventures of Mr Stephen Fry » Topic: The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project Just another bbPress community en-US Sat, 25 May 2013 08:10:25 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/search.php EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project/page/2#post-286741 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 15:40:35 +0000 EllieK 286741@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Yes, sorry about that, my bad! When I emailed it to tsirafauna it was all typed properly, so should be fine <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":)" class="bb_smilies" /> Glad you like it! 1so-Static on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project/page/2#post-286735 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 15:13:45 +0000 1so-Static 286735@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ OMG one blushes Only one minor tiny tweak ...the verses need re-justifying so there start and end lines are in the right place or perhaps it'll be right on the page and it's my browser that's muddling it up Thank you, thank you <img src="http://www.stephenfry.com/bb-content/plugins//bb-smilies/default/icon_redface.gif" title=":oops:" class="bb_smilies" /> EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project/page/2#post-286733 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 15:06:58 +0000 EllieK 286733@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ The Fortune-Teller On his way to the rehearsals of “Twelfth Night” Stephen passed a shop window he had never noticed before. In the window was a sign which read: “Fortune-telling, tarot readings, palm readings – Esmeralda knows your future” In a sudden bout of curiosity Stephen entered the shop and looked around. The typical accessories of a psychic were scattered all over the room: animal skulls, candles, leather-bound books with strange letterings. A woman sat at a table, a deck of tarot cards and a round object covered with a piece of purple velvet cloth in front of her. She looked up at him and smiled. “Welcome, Mr. Fry. I’ve been expecting you. Please sit down and make yourself comfortable.” Stephen, confused, did as he was told. “You’ve been expecting me?”, he asked. “Well, I’m a fortune-teller after all”, the woman replied and removed the velvet cloth from the object in front of her which turned out to be a crystal ball. “Well”, said Stephen, “As I’m here now and as I have encountered lots of bizarre and ominous things in the recent past I might as well listen to what you have to tell me about my future.” Esmeralda nodded and replied, “It is not only your future I’m going to tell you about. You are a special man, and this reading will therefore be special too. It is going to cover your past, present and future.” She moved her hands over the crystal ball, closed her eyes for a couple of seconds and then fixed her gaze at the shiny object. In a low voice she began reciting the following: "A copy of the Beano, tatty satchel and a mind in silhouette, Told sometime that there was nothing to worry about, Yet found in Swindon with a brace of tender regrets, A springboard to fame with one called Laurie he shouts. Baaaah! In an Adder that’s Black, no need to look back, his purpose is clear, Tell the Morris men that only The Cellar tapes will do, With Ben Elton and friends there’s so much in that he will appear, though never have him ride again in The Crystal Cube. Being a Young One at heart, began a fresh start and a Saturday Live, Only the mad would play General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett, With Absolute Power and with ease, commands that everyone laughs, With the adventures of Fry and Laurie we laugh till we’re all in bits. On Moabs and washpots, Stephen sails a lot and America receives Tell the Morris men only internet and Apples will do An unmistakable rich voice filled with so much already achieved, The West End work, sit back, absorb and enjoy all the reviews." Stephen had listened to her with a look of astonishment on his face at first but this look turned into a skeptical frown as the reciting progressed. When she had finished he sighed. “I don’t want to sound rude but I am very certain that you have gleaned all this information from Wikipedia. This fortune-telling is just a big hoax, isn’t it? You have noticed me passing by your shop window for the past few days and have prepared yourself for my coming in. Admit it.” Esmeralda dropped her gaze and admitted that his assessment of the facts was true. “I’m very sorry”, she said, “But I’m such a big fan of yours and I was hoping that you would be coming in and I wanted to impress you and ...” Stephen stopped her by putting his hand on hers. He gently squeezed it and said, “It’s alright, dear. You may be a bad psychic but you appear to be an excellent poet. What do you think about pursuing a career as a writer of poetry?” She looked at him and said that she had no training in this field and that not much money would be in it, too. Stephen laughed and produced a book from his bag. “Here’s a book on poetry I wrote. It’s called “The Ode Less Travelled”. As W Somerset Maugham said, 'The crown of literature is poetry. It is the sublimest activity of the human mind.' And there can't be that much money in fortune-telling anyway!" She took the book gratefully and said, “Thank you so much. I think I will give poetry a go.” Stephen left Esmeralda’s shop and smiled. Desideria, EllieK & 1so-Static EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project/page/2#post-286399 Tue, 14 Aug 2012 19:49:59 +0000 EllieK 286399@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ It was well after lights off at Pucklechurch prison but Stephen still lay quite awake on his bed staring at the ceiling of the cell. Tears rolled down his face as he thought of the day that had been. Next to him on the bed lay a stack of carefully cut out crossword puzzles that his mother had brought with her earlier that day. He had closed his eyes for a moment when he heard the strangest sound that made him spring up from the bed. In the corner of the cell appeared out of thin air a bright blue object, it appeared then vanished and then appeared again as if it was blinking in and out of reality itself before taking solid form. He smiled as the object reminded him of a childhood show he loved and assumed he must be dreaming. The door opened from what he now knew was a blue police box and out came a young man and a woman with red hair. As Stephen stared quite speechless, (which was quite unusual for him), the woman asked the man "where are we?" the man, who was dressed in a brown suit with a red bow-tie, looked around and answered "don't know, lets ask him" now looking straight into the blue eyes of the still staring Stephen. "Hello" said the man stretching out his hand for a good shake, "I am the doctor and this", he pointed with his free hand to the woman, "is Amy, could you be so kind to let me know where we are?" "Um", said Stephen, who tried hard to regain control of his vocal cords, "the.. the.. the doctor as in the doctor doctor?" He asked, hoping he was making some kind of sense. "Ah you've heard of me!" spoke the doctor who seemed to be so pleased with this as a child who just been given his favourite kind of candy, "now where are we?" Before Stephen could answer Amy suddenly stood before him and yelled "OMG you are Stephen Fry!" then turned to the Doctor and yelled again "he is Stephen Fry!" as if she could not believe that it really was him. Stephen was so startled by this that he suddenly found his words again and said, "yes I am, have we met?" "Nooo" answered Amy "I've never been so lucky well until now of course but I know you, as everyone knows you naturally." Before she had taken a breath to say more the doctor stepped in, "careful Amy, he looks very young". Amy understood what the doctor meant, the Stephen before her looked more like a boy than a man and she asked quickly "how old are you? 20?" "Just 18" answered Stephen who was getting quite confused by the couple before him. The doctor looked around the cell now and lightened up as if the solution to a difficult problem had just hit him over the head, "of course!" he shouted out. "These are your prison days" he said to Stephen, "these are his prison days" he repeated to Amy as if she couldn't have heard him the first time. "Coool" answered Amy who now picked up the puzzles that still laid on his bed. "Look" she said holding them up for the doctor to see, "the crosswords that his mum cut out". Stephens eyes filled with tears again seeing the little stack, the doctor patted him on his back like an old friend would do and asked "Hard day?" In answer Stephen just nodded, sniffing back a sob. Now the doctor stood right before him, resting one hand on his shoulder and looking him straight into his eyes. "You might not know it but you will be brilliant, I promise" he said. Something in his voice made Stephen truly take to heart the words he spoke and dimly smiled a smile that was answered with a wider and warmer one on the doctor's face. Then the doctor snapped his fingers that opened the blue doors of the box and said joyfully "Amy, we are leaving". "Why?" asked Amy, but the doctor just gestured to the open door which worked as if it were an order to get in and both walked into the box and closed the door behind them. The blue police box vanished as it had appeared Leaving Stephen behind with a smile on his face. In the tardis Amy could not resist to ask her doctor, "what will become of him, I mean in my future?" The doctor smiled and said "on his 100th birthday the queen came over for tea and spoke the legendary words 'will this suffice Mr. Fry or do I need to bring back the telegram service for the occasion?'. That is all the sneak peek you get Amy Pond". fryfan20 EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-286295 Mon, 13 Aug 2012 09:20:34 +0000 EllieK 286295@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ It was late at night and Stephen couldn’t get any sleep. He got out of his bed and decided to read a book. This was not to happen though, because he noticed a brown package on his desk. “Edna must have put it there” he assumed and reached for it. It was a little box, wrapped in brown paper and tied with white string. Stephen looked at it carefully. It was addressed to him. He opened it and found two tiny cupcakes and a note saying “This is my birthday present for you. Eat the pink cupcake and you’ll be taken… somewhere. If you don’t like the place, eat the blue cupcake and you shall return to your room safe and sound. Happy birthday.” It had no signature. Stephen thought that it would be really dangerous to eat something so weird. “It could be poisoned” he thought but then he looked himself at the mirror. Who would ever want to poison someone that cute? He put the pink in his mouth. Next thing he knew, he was standing in front of a huge building, made of marble, with majestic pillars and beautiful statues. “It can’t be ancient Greece” he whispered to himself but instead he heard himself saying “Δεν γίνεται να είναι η αρχαία Ελλάδα!” Stephen was shocked by what was happening and he couldn’t move. Suddenly a man in a long white tunic approached him. “You seem lost. Is there any way I can help you?” he said. “Well, I’m lost indeed but I’m afraid I don’t know where I want to go!” Stephen answered. “Well, why don’t you come to Aristarchus’s place with me, for some wine? We will be debating about the existence or non-existence of gods tonight. My name is Socrates by the way.” Stephen agreed and looked at the blue cupcake that was still in his hand. “Maybe later… much later” he thought and smiled as he followed Socrates. DanaeZ EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-286239 Sat, 11 Aug 2012 12:51:31 +0000 EllieK 286239@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ "Talk about space. Well it's a beautiful place. But it's so damn cold. Just for the human race, but for the planets and the stars, And everything else and Mars, It's like paradise, spread out with a butter knife" Stephen couldn’t for the life of him remember where he had heard those lines but they were all he could think of as he sat looking out at the evening sky, waiting to be summoned. “Mr. Fry.”, a young, handsome officer appeared at the door and waited for Stephen to follow him. They walked into a big hall where more than a hundred people- scientists, engineers, astronauts, diplomats, heads of states, representatives of the UN- were standing in a kind of solemn silence. Stephen looked at all of them, whilst making sure that he looked at no one in particular. As he walked past them to the laboratory across the hall, they clapped for him. He was touched, but suddenly very cross with everyone too. ‘What are they clapping for? They don’t even know if I’m going to do the right thing.’ He went into the laboratory. The door closed. He stood in front of a large screen… alone. A strange face appeared on the screen- a Martian face. “You’ve had 24 hours to think about it. What’s it to be? End of all suffering on earth. No more disease, no hunger, no wars, no greed, no envy, no want, no pain- for a small price. Do you accept?” They had cleverly avoided mentioning what the small price was. But they had made it very clear 24 hours ago when he had stood in the same spot talking to the Martian ambassadors. “Curiosity won’t go back to earth. You don’t get to ask what we did, how we did it. In fact you don’t get to ask any more questions. The old ones will be forgotten, and new ones will never exist. No questions, ever. Mars Rover Curiosity will stay with us as a token of our agreement. If you decline, we will send Curiosity back to earth. We are offering you all the answers you’ll ever need in exchange for all the questions you could ever have asked. Do you accept?” Stephen stared at the screen for several moments. He wasn’t thinking. He wasn’t even trying to compose himself, not really. It was more a kind of polite pause to show his respect for his own decision. “No.”, he said, “We’ll take Curiosity back.” The face on the screen said nothing. And then, “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “But why?” asked the Martian. Stephen smiled and said, “I am never going to tell you.” He waited to see some sort of sign to show that they had understood what he was playing at, what he was really saying. But there wasn’t anyone on the screen anymore. The Martians had gone as quickly as they had come. He felt relieved as the unbearable burden of the the past 24 hours began to ease off, making room in his heart for normal headaches like whether people had really understood his joke. On his flight back to England, Stephen couldn’t help wondering if he had done the right thing. Suppose they come back again tomorrow? Next week? In a few years? If they come and ask the same question would he still say then, what he had said now? He looked out the window. He saw a pale, amber dot that had just emerged in a purple sky and it struck him, the answer, the promise… yes, he thought, yes I would. Yes. Hardigirl EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-286119 Sat, 04 Aug 2012 23:27:08 +0000 EllieK 286119@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Stephen woke up, only to find himself sitting on a train. On a train? Wait a minute! A train - where to exactly? “Nächster Halt Gleisdorf!” a voice came on the intercom. Gleisdorf! Stephen could not believe his ears, not because of the foreign language he was hearing – not foreign to him, as he spoke German fairly well -, but because he knew that Gleisdorf – usually ignored for all the right reasons - was to become the hub of the world on 21st July, at least for NCFC fans, as the Canaries were holding their training camp there and were to entertain Hertha Berlin! Stephen was welcomed by a small crowd of NCFC fans who led him the way to the stadium. He obviously was not the only one who had embarked on a journey from Old Blighty to Gleisdorf! The seating area was dotted with green-and-yellow clad aficionados, cheering “On The Ball City!” The stadium was tiny in comparison to Carrow Road, but the atmosphere was surprisingly similar! Stephen was ushered to a special seat from where he had the best view of the pitch. Five minutes to kick-off. The players walked onto the pitch and took position each side of the half-way line. *PICTURE* You could have heard a pin drop. All of a sudden, the NCFC captain pulled out something Stephen was unable to make out. The orderly line coiled into a ball, only to re-align itself within a few seconds. And what the players were holding above their heads simply took his breath away! He was so touched that he jumped up from his seat to thank the team, but – oh no! - he stumbled … and found himself lying in his bed. It had all been a dream! Or had it? Stephen looked up… *PICTURE* Gertrude Susanne EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-286013 Wed, 01 Aug 2012 11:30:05 +0000 EllieK 286013@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Meeting a Wordspirit Stephen looked around the empty shop for the tie he had been meaning to buy- red with skulls drawn in multicolored patterns on it. Finally, he spotted it lying on a table. He turned around to the preposterously large ornate mirror on the wall to the left and started knotting it. Suddenly there was a soft sound behind him, like sheep coughing on a distant hill. “I wouldn’t advise that sir. If you would consider the pale golden one lying on the rack…” Stephen turned to find a man standing behind him. He was tall, dark haired, wearing a bowler hat and a slightly painful expression in his eyes that were fixed on the brightly colored apparel around Stephen’s neck. Stephen thought there was something vaguely familiar about his face. “Er… what?” “Your tie sir. I believe there are those acquaintances who suffer from the debilitating condition of migraine. You wouldn’t be cruel enough to cause them harm, would you?” “I think my friends will survive.” Stephen laughed “I don’t believe I know you though” “I believe you do sir, very well in fact” The pained expression had been replaced by a fractional raise of the lips. Suddenly a name slid into place in his mind. Stephen realized that he was looking at his own nose and chin set in the ageless face. “You are... but no that’s preposterous!” “Reginald Jeeves at you service sir.” The lips raised another fraction of a centimeter. “Effing flying pigs! Am I dreaming?” “In a manner of speaking, sir. This place is your dream but I am real. Not being corporal the only way to contact you was in your dreams. Dreams and imaginations are our realm.” “Contact me? What for? Not that I’m not ecstatic at the moment but I don’t understand what is going on.” “I shall endeavor to explain sir. When a book is read, it is created in the imagination of the reader. When a character or a place is imagined by a large number of people they come into existence in a dream world of sorts. Our lifeblood flows from the imagination and dare I say love of our readers. We are the Wordspirits. And we are dying” Stephen stared in shock for a moment “Why? How can I help?” “We are being forgotten sir, some slower than others, but we all are. The older ones are dying fast. Wise and intelligent men, some my friends. You are in a unique position out there to help us sir and that is why I am here. You can make the people remember and read once more. You can teach more of them to dream. That is all we require. I request you sir, please save us.” “I will, I promise” nodded Stephen. “Also,” Jeeves paused looking indecisive “I have a personal favour to ask. If sir would be kind enough to reconsider some of the items in his wardrobe…” Stephen laughed not unkindly. “I’m sorry Jeeves. I happen to like my wardrobe very much” Jeeves sighed “As I thought. Till later then Mr. Fry” Stephen woke up to the alarm, disoriented by his strange dream. As he looked around his eyes fell on the skull tie on floor. Of course, he had bought it yesterday. As he went to pick it up he spotted a note stuck to it “Please sir, if you would reconsider. At least just this one –J” Stephen smiled and nodded, deciding to go back to the shop to buy the golden tie. misprofessioned EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-286001 Tue, 31 Jul 2012 15:43:57 +0000 EllieK 286001@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ On the 24th August, 2022, a very strange occurrence took place in London. Sir Stephen Fry awoke rather early that morning. He stretched himself, smiled and, taking his iPad 10 Pro, anticipated watching some lovely Happy Birthday video messages on Fluffetter. He stroked the whiskers and thought "Oh, what the heck, let's turn the camera on this time". And so he did. To his great astonishment, he saw that instead of his nose he had a perfectly smooth vacancy in his face. Alarmed, he rubbed his eyes. Sure enough, he had no longer a nose! After having shaken himself violently to assure it was not just a dream, he dressed and went at once to the police. But before proceeding further, reader, some information about Stephen Fry's nose must be given. The nose was delightfully bendy. The bent nose. It obtained its title by means of certain circumstances and mustn't be ever compared with someone else's. It was a Member of Noel Coward society, the President of Richard Wagner club and a fellow Doctor of Cambridge University, Fluffette's College, and the Kindness Committee constant contributor. Stephen had wrapped himself up in a corduroy jacket and held a purple hanky to his face as though his nose bled. "Perhaps it is all only my imagination, it is impossible that a nose could drop off in such a silly way!" - he thought and stopped at Prado shoe store to look at his reflection in the shop window. Then something extraordinary happened. A cab drew up at the entrance and a gentleman in a tweed jacket came out and hurried up into the shop. How great was Stephen's astonishment when he saw that it was his own Nose! Trembling all over he started waiting for the Nose to return. And he did. Actually it came out wearing a new pair of Prada Velcro shoes! Stephen approached the Nose, coughed and said "Sir?" His Nose turned around and asked "What do you want?” "Well, the matter is - I want you". "I understand nothing,” answered the Nose and hurried down the street. "Sir! You can't leave! You are my own Nose after all". The Nose stopped and wrinkling its forehead, looked at Stephen “You are wrong! I am myself. Besides, there can be no close relations between us. To judge by your odd corduroy coat, you must be in quite a different circle to mine". The day was fine and sunny. Stephen spotted a few friends afar walking and chatting cheerfully. "That's it" thought Stephen and pressed the hanky to his face. By that time the Nose had already disappeared having left him completely puzzled. "What am I supposed to do now?! Why? Why the nose and not a leg or an arm? A man without a nose is good for nothing. Only fit to be thrown out of the window. I must be dreaming or hallucination! Sigh. Strange events happen in this world, events which are sometimes hard to explain. The same Nose which had disappeared, was found one morning in its proper place, i.e. between the cheeks of Stephen Fry, as if nothing had happened. inckognito EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-285841 Mon, 23 Jul 2012 11:42:37 +0000 EllieK 285841@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Stephen had the uneasy sensation that he was being sniffed. Nonsense, he tutted to his soporific self. It's just the morning air flapping its wings through his Norfolk bedroom window. He contented himself with this supposition, and let Morpheus seduce him deeper into the abyss of slumber. Then Stephen had the uneasy sensation that he was being nibbled. Nonsense he thought again. It's just . . . Hang on. Why am I being nibbled? He opened a cautious eye. After assessing the situation, his cautious eye decided he needed back up and talked his other eye into joining him. It was now up to Stephen's brain to collate the relevant data. It did so in a flash: Yep, that's a horse, all right. A damn gorgeous horse it was, too. The Fabio of horses, complete with flowing blond mane, soft sensual lips, and pectoral definition to die for. Where it came from and how it managed to get into Stephen's bedroom was a matter of sorcery. Obviously this was a dream. Stephen looked under his covers. Damn, Brad Pitt wasn't there. It's not a dream after all. But if it's not a dream, then why did the horse say, "Happy birthday, Stephen."? And why did it say it in a woman's voice? And why was it giggling? And why was Hugh bloody Laurie literally ROFLing his way into the bedroom? "Hugh!" Stephen bellowed, immediately regretting his throat's thrust as the horse shuddered away from him. In between gasps of laughter, Hugh managed to say, "Happy birthday, Stephen! I got you a horse!" "You did what?!" "I got you a horse," parroted Hugh. "Hugh, this is serious. Stop . . ." Stephen just managed to prevent himself from saying, "Stop horsing around," knowing that if he did, Hugh would rupture his giggle gland. He instead added, "I don't know how to take care of a horse." "Don't worry," Hugh soothed. "He's perfectly house trained. Meaning I trained him to shit all over your house." "You did what?!" Hugh heaved a sigh at his friend's daftness. "Fear not. He's yours merely for the day. You can pet him, stroke him, ride him, hug him, kiss him, feed him carrots, tickle his nose, anything. He's your half ton birthday puppy. Now get dressed. Emma, et al will be here soon with lashings of gifts and whippings of cakes." Stephen refused to absorb the absurdity of it all. To do so would be an insult to his friend's ingenuity, cunning, and slightly mad love. He rose and inspected this fine equine. "Hullo." The horse seemed to like being talked to. It's ears twitched with joy and it nuzzled closer to Stephen. "Don't suppose you can do anything about the smell?" Stephen asked. "That's me actually," Hugh confessed. "Very well then. Lead me to my birthday party." Hugh bowed majestically and Stephen gently guided his horsie out of the bedroom. "By the by," Hugh said. "There are a couple of penguins in your bath." EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-285815 Sun, 22 Jul 2012 11:06:44 +0000 EllieK 285815@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ It was about two in the morning, and Stephen was playing online Scrabble. He was halfway through a particularly intense game with a player of username ‘MPoppins59’, and the score was neck-and-neck. This was going to be a damned close one. MPoppins59 had kicked off the game with the word ‘FEED’ horizontally through the centre star, and Stephen had quickly latched onto the ‘F’ with the word ‘FLUFFY.’ MPoppins59 had then used her own ‘E’ to form ‘THE,’ and Stephen had parried with ‘MOIST’ emanating from her ‘T.’ Poppins quickly retaliated with ‘BIRDS,’ branching out from the ‘D’ of ‘FEED.’ Which brought them up to 59 points apiece. On Live Scrabble Chat, Stephen made a small constructive criticism. SFry: Hi there, MPoppins59. Not to be pernickety, but the ‘I’ of your ‘BIRDS’ has turned my ‘MOIST’ into ‘MOISTI.’ Which isn’t in the English Dictionary. To which MPoppins replied, MPoppins59: Oh, go fly a kite. It was at this point that Stephen began to grow suspicious about the identity of his opponent. His suspicions were only confirmed by MPoppins’ next three turns, in which she played the words ‘TUPPENCE’, ‘A’ and ‘BAG.’ ‘BAG,’ however, was an amateurish move, as it allowed Stephen to leap into the lead with ‘GELATINOUS.’ At this, Poppins was possessed by a sudden and all-encompassing rage, and magicked Stephen into the virtual Scrabble board. ‘Pants,’ said Stephen, as he found himself stuck knee-deep in the word ‘MOIST.’ He clambered over the giant ‘M,’ clawing his way up the incline. The letter was large, slippery and sans-serif, therefore there was nothing to break his fall when he slid down the ‘M’s second vertical stroke to land hard on the tiny ‘3’ indicating the letter score. He dusted himself off and descended the word ‘THE’, narrowly avoided being eaten by the razor-sharp teeth of the ‘E’s in ‘FEED’ as he scurried across to the ‘F.’ From here he had a rather more pleasant descent through ‘FLUFFY’, towards the bottom row of the board. Just as he was about to make good his escape via the lower-left Triple Word Score, he heard Poppins’ booming voice cry, ‘Haha!’ as she rained down the word ‘SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS’ upon him. Stephen scampered along frantically to the far-right bottom-corner Triple Word Score and then up towards the top of the board, letters tumbling down after him like boulders in the wake of Indiana Jones. ‘You can’t do this!’ he shouted to the vast, empty sky above the giant Scrabble board. ‘SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS’ isn’t even a word!’ ‘It so is!’ boomed Mary. ‘Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious.’ ‘It’s not in the dictionary!’ protested Stephen. ‘It’s in the Urban Dictionary,’ said Mary. ‘It’s definition in there is: "atoning for educability through delicate beauty" or "atoning for extreme and delicate beauty while remaining highly educable". Mwaha. Pwned. Eat that, Fry.’ ‘You only have seven letters to play with!’ argued Stephen. ‘“SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS” is thirty-four letters long. And you’ll never get away with it, anyway! Crush me with Scrabble letters, and there’ll be consequences! Do you think people won’t notice I’m missing?’ ‘I’m Mary F*cking Poppins,’ she replied. ‘I can do whatever the arse I want. Who do you think turned Hugh Laurie American? That sh*t didn’t happen spontaneously. I lost a game of Backgammon to him.’ ‘You beast!’ Stephen sank down onto the bottom curve of a ‘C,’ dejected. ‘Precisely!’ gloated Poppins. ‘With the power of my magic, and my charmed, nonsensical vocabulary, I can rule the world! Do you know, one night I said ‘SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS’ to my girl, and now my girl’s my wife?’ Stephen stood up from the ‘C,’ surprised. ‘You’re gay too?’ ‘Yes,’ said Mary. ‘With Mrs. Banks. Stole her right off David Tomlinson. He didn’t even see it coming. He should have. She was always banging on about the suffragettes and feminism and sh*t.’ ‘She was, wasn’t she? And she was awfully close with that cook and that housemaid.’ ‘Too right. But she’s mine now.’ ‘I thought you were with Burt?’ ‘Ha. Not likely. The man’s a square. He’d never think of pressing his advantage. Forbearance is the hallmark of his creed.’ ‘I had heard as much.’ ‘Yep. I was dropping hints about my ‘carpet bag’ for an hour or more and he didn’t even catch onto the double entendre. Mrs. Banks, on the other hand...’ ‘...Erm... Look. Mary.’ Stephen adopted a posture of repentance and looked up sheepishly. ‘I’m sorry I trounced you at Scrabble. But listen, we all have things we’re just effortlessly good at. I, for instance, couldn’t get a whole arse-load of wooden soldiers to hop into a toy box at the click of my fingers. To you, however, it’s as natural as breathing. And birds – hell, you can get a robin to hop onto your finger and sing duets with you. Do you have any idea how useful that would’ve been on Last Chance to See? You can get a whole whacking great lamp out of a modest-sized carpet bag. I’d love to be able to do that. What’s say we call it quits, and you let me out of the Scrabble board, hmm?’ ‘Hmm. I suppose I could.’ ‘Atta girl.’ ‘I’m sorry I lost my temper.’ ‘That’s alright.’ ‘I get so angry sometimes.’ ‘I understand.’ And Mary Poppins returned Stephen to his living room. As Stephen patted himself down and checked that he was whole and healthy, a message popped up on Live Scrabble Chat. MPoppins59: Btw, would you mention my friend @chimchimcheroo on ur Twitter? He’s doing a sponsored rooftop dance for Sweep Pride on Tuesday and he’d love your support. By Clive EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-285813 Sun, 22 Jul 2012 11:05:25 +0000 EllieK 285813@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ Gregory House was annoyed. He could be sleeping in his office right now, instead he had to go to Cuddy’s office because she kept paging him. “If it is about my last patient then yes, she was a hooker!” He said loudly, as he pushed open the door. As he looked around, he noticed that she wasn’t alone in the room. A middle-aged man with a distinctive looking crooked nose sat on the sofa. Turning to Cuddy, he remarked, “Did you meet him online as well? I thought you were past the point of actually meeting your sperm donors.” Cuddy glanced at him furiously but tried to keep her voice calm when she said, “Actually…” The visitor began talking at the same time, “Well, actually…” They both stopped, unsure who had interrupted whom. Typical for Cuddy, but the unnatural politeness of this visitor, combined with his accent… “You’re English.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. “I am indeed, Doctor House. Stephen Fry. I am planning to do a documentary concerning the differenced between diagnosing physical and mental illnesses and when I heard of this hospital’s diagnostics department I just couldn’t resist.” “I can see why. The amount of lunatics we get that want a diagnosis…” “From what I gather by your previous statements, it’s more likely you who’d be called a lunatic than those you treat.” “You really talk like that in England?” “No, I was just winding you up.” House looked at him in surprise. He had underestimated him! Even Cuddy seemed taken aback. “Language defines us, really.”, Mr. Fry continued, “Different accents, different ways of talking… isn’t it fascinating?” House, who wasn’t particularly fascinated, decided to make a suggestion. “Then why don’t you just make a documentary about that?” “I did!” Taken by surprise once again, House couldn’t help but admiring this man who really seemed to put his heart in his work. How could he deny him a favour? “Let’s get it over with that interview then.” “Fine by me, I should be off soon. I haven’t tweeted in a while, my fluffettes are probably getting impatient!” House was too keen to get back to his nap to bother asking what the hell ‘fluffettes’ were English slang for. By Stefi EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-285767 Thu, 19 Jul 2012 22:11:27 +0000 EllieK 285767@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ WHOOSH! Stephen opened his eyes. “What the hell was that and where the hell am I?” He was in a strange place, and it was all he could see. Narrow, shadowy, but not completely dark. Stephen pinched himself. “No, dear, don't even try.” Perplexed, he rubbed his eyes. There was a human (or a human-like) figure in front of him. “You're not going mad, dear, worry not.” “May I ask you to introduce yourself, dear?” Despite the weirdness of the situation, Stephen giggled. What ridiculous forms one's nightmares can take. He remembered his parody "wife" on twitter, invented by a witty comedian. “This entity talks exactly like her”, he thought. “I'm bound to this place. People see me in their dreams and I ask them all one question. Answer it, and you're free. Deal, dear?” “That's perfectly fine”. Stephen calmed down. So it was just a dream, not exactly a nightmare. He'd have a laugh when he woke up, if he'd be able to remember a bloody thing. “What can change the nature of a man?” And there was a mad stream of thoughts in his head. He had heard this “human nature” bullshit a million times, in a million contexts, each one worse than the other. But this time there was no context, and the figure was waiting for his answer. What can change it? What is there to change? Kindness, friendship, laughter, melancholy, adventures, fascination with the world, no, not this. Not what HE would want to change. Something else. Greed. Jealousy. Ignorance. Self-righteousness. Hatred. Anger. Now he knew HIS answer. “Love”, he said. The WHOOSH! sounded again, and Stephen found himself in his room. Was he asleep?.. Still between dream and reality, he buried his face in palms, with his heart jumping out of his chest, overwhelmed by the pure joy suddenly coming from his dream, the strangest one he had ever experienced. Before he was completely awake, he heard from far away, from the dream itself sliding away forever: “This is the answer I was waiting for.” By nemelle EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-285765 Thu, 19 Jul 2012 22:02:50 +0000 EllieK 285765@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ The golden haired boy was pointing a sword at Stephen’s throat. “Stranger, what are you doing aboard my ship?” he asked. Stephen looked nervously at the dozens of swarthy men and strange looking beasts surrounding him. “I-I’m afraid I don’t know. I was at home in Norfolk walking along the beach, when this great gust of wind lifted me off my feet and carried me here. Please, where am I?” The boy sheathed his sword and grasped Stephen’s hand. “You are in Narnia, Son of Adam. I am King Caspian and this is my ship, the Dawn Treader. We are honoured to have you on boa-” The great ship gave a violent lurch as something very large crashed against the hull. The waters parted and a huge green scaly body emerged. The sea serpent towered over them like a grotesque giant snake. It bared its sharp jagged teeth and surveyed them with its glowing red eyes. The men tried to bring the creature down with their arrows but the armour like skin seemed impenetrable. Something stirred at the back of Stephen’s mind. Sea serpents, he recalled, were extremely sensitive to high pitched noise. As the monster came bearing down on them, he whipped out his iphone and held it aloft. An ear piercing alarm cut through the air. The serpent reared back in shock. Its long body thrashed and writhed as the shrill sound reverberated through its head. With an agonising scream it retreated back into the sea. Caspian and his crew looked at Stephen in awe. Together they dropped before him in a deep bow. “Son of Adam your magic weapon and quick wit have saved us. We shall be forever grateful.” The great lion Aslan made Stephen an honorary King of Narnia after hearing of his feats. Stephen ruled Narnia for many years until one day the great wind blew again and Stephen once more found himself at home in Norfolk. By mvet88 EllieK on "The Fluffette Chronicles - Birthday Project" http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/the-fluffette-chronicles-birthday-project#post-285763 Thu, 19 Jul 2012 21:56:40 +0000 EllieK 285763@http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/ "Dearest Mr. Dear Mr. Stephen Fry, we'd like to give you the pleasure of testing out our newest technology invention. In the box you should find a miniature time traveling watch with state of the art Swiss movement and space emerald jewels that will take you back to any time period you wish to visit. There is no hassle whatsoever. The push of the button will be all you need to teleport and no more." "As mystifying as this product seems to be, I fear I shall have some difficulty selecting which era in history I'd like to relive." He pondered as he tapped his finger to his chin. "Hmmmm...." His brow furrowed with consternation. "Eureka!" He ejaculated with a fevered timbre while thrusting his arm in the air excitedly with one finger up. "I know just the time in which to experience for myself! The time of the great Oscar Wilde!" With a push of the blue button and an entering of 1884; Stephen found himself disappearing and in a matter of seconds he reappeared in the hustle and bustle of Paris. Suddenly he was surrounded by a large gathering of socialites and party goers. Sitting, eating and drinking while festive dancers gayly cavorted on a stage. Stephen took it all in with his mouth open and his eyes wide, as he gazed at the sight before him. He circled around with his arms out. "Never had I thought in all my years that I'd be able to witness such a splendid sight. Only in books." "My dear boy, you look a sight," came a familiar voice from behind him. Stunned, Stephen turned around to find himself face to face with Oscar Wilde. Standing with his finely made fur coat, his gloved hand clasping his finely made cane. Oscar cocked an eyebrow and eyed him up and down, followed by a smile. "What dreadful malady has befallen you?" Stephen took a moment to reply. When he composed himself and spoke, he stammered, "Why-I am lost." "You seem to be, judging by your appearance." Oscar smirked and caressed Stephen's cardigan. "Never have I seen such a wardrobe as yours. Where have you acquired it?" "You won't see these desired coutures until next season at the least, I'm afraid." "Pity. Fashion is such a fickle thing to follow. One likes to set the examples." Oscar grabbed for Stephen's hand and lead him to a secluded table. "A fitting ode to a traveler from your era would be a fine cup of tea- if you don't want absinthe." They sat in two chairs while a tray of freshly made tea was brought to them. As Stephen reached for a cup he gazed into the drink. It was the most interesting tea he had ever seen.The drink was a splendid mix of colors. More colors than the eye could perceive. As he drank it, the taste overwhelmed him. It was the sweetest, creamiest and well tasting tea he had ever delighted to savor. "My, my, how you enjoyed that." Oscar commented. "Never have I seen anyone drink it that quickly." He eyed the watch on Stephen's wrist and inspected it. "I've seen some watches that are quite fascinating, but yours is quite interesting." Stephen muttered under his breath- "If only Alan Davies would earn enough points to find a prize such as this." By Droogy Woogy