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masquerade


Member

Posted Wed Feb 6th, 2008 8:18pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
My lovely ex-boyfriend, the only person I've ever fallen in love with, has not only just changed his relationship status on myspace to "in a relationship" but he's also changed his sexual orientation to gay. Great.

I feel particularly validated knowing that I spent 6 and a half months completely in love with a guy who insisted he loved me back (despite having 2 crises when he couldn't decide if he was coming or going with his sexual orientation) only to find that he couldn't have loved me because he can't have even fancied me. The only guy who has ever acted like I'm worth more to him than a piece of used chewing gum, the only guy to ever tell me I'm beautiful, can't possibly have thought so.

And why do all my friends (and I do literally mean all of them) have to be in relationships when I'm not? They are having a girls night on the weekend to revenge themselves upon their boyfriends who have been having stupid amounts of guys nights. Either I don't go and I'm bored stiff at home or I go and end up feeling left out because I know the only topic of conversation will be their boyfriends. -sigh-

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Wed Feb 6th, 2008 9:44pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
hey masquerade,

it always hurts to not be with the person you love, no matter what the reason. so i understand why you would mutter incoherent blasphemies about this. i'm sorry you feel let down by it.

but, i don't think this means he doesn't love you in some way. sexuality is very confusing, and it changes quite a bit over someone's lifetime. he probably did "fancy" you in many ways, but didn't want to hurt you.

(i'm not sure what "fancy" means in the uk...how is it different from crush or love or like?)

i know you might not want to hear stuff like this right now...as you have every reason to express whatever emotions you feel.

i'm gay* and my girlfriend of four years/ domestic partner left me for a guy while we were still living together. i got to admit, i feel very confused about that too! she was the most important thing in my life and i was her first girlfriend (she had only dated men)... and we talked about getting "married" and signed papers to be legal partners and all, and sometimes i just think : did she not love me at all? could she have at least thought a bit about it earlier on, and said, "hey, i think maybe i'm NOT GAY?"

but in the end, she DID love me. she just doesn't love me that same way anymore. and that's what makes things so confusing...people often fall in love with people in ways that don't always fit the orientation boxes.

i don't know this fella, but if he treated you well and made you feel special, then he did feel for you, and the time wasn't wasted. i hope you meet someone else to make you feel special again soon.


p.s. i put an asterisk by gay because after that whole fiasco i'm not attracted to girls at all right now, and probably just not attracted to anyone for awhile! so...everchanging i am, i guess.

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masquerade


Member

Posted Wed Feb 6th, 2008 10:11pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
I don't know why I'm so upset about it, it was obvious to everyone else that he was gay (having said that it wasn't to me at the time, but then love is blind) he just hadn't admitted it. And I can hardly complain that he's gay considering I'm bisexual and he thought he was too when we were together. I was the only girl he had ever liked in that way, all his other experiences had been with other guys, which made me feel special because I was different.

He dumped me in November, so I probably shouldn't feel so attached to him. It's probably just because I haven't found anyone else... I'm completely dependent on other people, I can't live without the knowledge that someone fancies me. Unfortunately that just doesn't happen, due to the fact that I am an ugly teenager with glasses, flabby thighs and spots covering (almost literally) every available surface. Wahey.

As you can probably tell, I'm in a hideously self-pitying/self-hatred mood at the moment. Forgive me for being a selfish git and taking up your time reading about my endless hang-ups.

PS. Thanks banjo, I appreciate your answer even if I'm being a complete arsehole in my reply.

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Wed Feb 6th, 2008 10:19pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
haha!! you're NOT being an asshole!

it sounds like you loved him, so i don't think it was silly or strange of you to try and have a relationship with him.

do you think you feel upset about it again because of the "in a relationship" change? that seems to bring up the blues from the break up again. don't worry, you've got a LOT to offer people and when you're ready you'll be with someone again.

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masquerade


Member

Posted Wed Feb 6th, 2008 10:33pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
I did love him and a fat lot of good it did me. But I'm not upset about him being in a relationship, he's a nice guy and he deserves to be happy, I'm just unhappy because he's gay, therefore a voice in my head tells me that he never loved me.

I am ready for a relationship with someone else, have been for a while now, but there is nobody that so much as gives me a second glance so being reading isn't much use.

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LilyG


Member

Posted Thu Feb 7th, 2008 12:19am Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
awww bubba, it's always hard coming out of a relationship, (especially when most of the coming out was done by the other party).

but honestly, i dont think you're ready for a new relationship yet. you may say you're over this guy, but i thought i was over someone, yet every time i think of him or see him it hurts. the thing with getting over relationships is not to be able to see the person you broke up with and feel okay...they thing is to be able to see yourself, by yourself, as a single woman, and say, 'this is okay, i love MYSELF.'

because you're right, no one will give you so much as a second glance if deep down in our heart of hearts you are missing someone else, and not loving yourself.

fall in love with you again and i guarentee, with time and healing, that love will find you again.

hugs and kisses babe.

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Thu Feb 7th, 2008 6:05pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
lily mae, i love that phrase!!

"fall in love with you again..." that's awesome.
and true.

though i rarely follow it.

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Maureen


Member

Posted Thu Feb 7th, 2008 6:34pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
Don't know if it helps right now, but one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given came from a close friend at Uni - we were like brother and sister and always wept on each other's shoulders when a relationship ended (more often his cos he went through girlfriends like most men change underwear).

I had just split up with a boyfriend and felt, as you seem to, that I was ugly and no one else would ever want me. My mate told me the best thing in the world is to be in the right relationship; but it's better to be on your own and independent than in the wrong relationship - and if the relationship is wrong for one partner, it's wrong for the other even if they don't realise it at the time.

Not what I really wanted to hear at that moment, but he was so right - and I did go on to have other relationships, and have been happily married now for 20 years - you will find the right person for you in the end, I'm sure - but like Lily says, you need some you-time at the present.

*sending hugs*

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amyl_nitrate


Member

Posted Thu Feb 7th, 2008 6:53pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
awww bubba, it's always hard coming out of a relationship, (especially when most of the coming out was done by the other party).

but honestly, i dont think you're ready for a new relationship yet. you may say you're over this guy, but i thought i was over someone, yet every time i think of him or see him it hurts. the thing with getting over relationships is not to be able to see the person you broke up with and feel okay...they thing is to be able to see yourself, by yourself, as a single woman, and say, 'this is okay, i love MYSELF.'

because you're right, no one will give you so much as a second glance if deep down in our heart of hearts you are missing someone else, and not loving yourself.

fall in love with you again and i guarentee, with time and healing, that love will find you again.

hugs and kisses babe.

That's really good advice Lily Mae. You need to love yourself again masquerade and not value yourself based on what others think of you and/or your relationship status. Being single isn't the end of the world. You're still you and you can be a strong independent woman with or without a partner. You're still a whole person. Don't go bouncing into another relationship when you're still cooling your heels from a previous one. You're more likely to pick someone who isn't right for you if you're thinking you must be with someone. Love yourself because you're a lovely person, you're intelligent and you're definatly not ugly!

Assuming direct control...

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masquerade


Member

Posted Thu Feb 7th, 2008 8:07pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
It's a nice idea to fall in love with me again, Lily-Mae. Trouble being that I was never in love with me in the first place... I can't say I've ever so much as liked myself. As for the suggestion that I'm not over him, I meet up with him regularly, he's still a mate of mine, and it doesn't hurt. It did the first time I saw him after we split up but not since then.

Maureen, thank you for the advice (and the hugs too, I love hugs). It's not the fact that the relationship ended that bothers me, I got over that months ago. I don't really mind being alone, although I do wish my friends talked about something other than their boyfriends, which is getting quite irritating because I can't join in with anything. I just feel as if the relationship was a waste of time and that nobody will ever love me because the only person who told me he did can't have because he doesn't swing that way. I know that sounds like a very sweeping statement but that's how I'm feeling.

And thank you amyl, but no matter how many times people tell me these things, my brain tells me otherwise. I've never been able to believe people when they compliment me, because being called beautiful makes no sense when all I see is a hideous monster when I look in the mirror. As for making sure I don't pick the wrong person, it's fairly difficult when the only straight guys and not-so-straight girls I know are in relationships already and/or wouldn't kiss me if I was the last woman on earth.

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amyl_nitrate


Member

Posted Thu Feb 7th, 2008 10:04pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-

I just feel as if the relationship was a waste of time and that nobody will ever love me because the only person who told me he did can't have because he doesn't swing that way. I know that sounds like a very sweeping statement but that's how I'm feeling.


Both Oscar Wilde and Cole Porter were gay but each were in love with a woman also. Love and sex aren't the same thing. I believe it's all a bit more complicated then the narrow gay, straight or bi most people want to stick us all in. I think there are spectrums of different types of relationships and different combos are possible. Even if he was never sexually attracted to you he could have been attracted to you in a romantic way still. His sexuality doesn't make it any less legitimate. You had a relationship with him, it happened. It sounds like you really cared about each other and it made you happy during it's process. You didn't waste your time, there are probably many things you can take away from the relationship that you won't realise until later on, you may have learned something about yourself and what you want in a relationship and it might not occur to you until you're a bit older or in another relationship. I'm sure things will find a way of working out for you.

Maybe you should talk to your friends about how you feel with them talking about their boyfriends all the time. If they are really good true friends they should understand. Or if you're not feeling up to bringing it up directly you could try steering the conversation in an entirely different direction whenever they start going on about their bfs. Maybe they'd get the hint if you do it enough.

Assuming direct control...

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masquerade


Member

Posted Thu Feb 7th, 2008 10:14pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
Thank you for that, amyl, it really helped. -tackleglomps-

I'm not sure my friends are [i[capable[/i] of talking about anything else; their lives seem to revolve around their boyfriends at the moment. That's what I get for going to an all-girls school, I suppose! I am telling myself that it's not long until I'll be at uni... it's one of the only reasons I'm looking forward to going, to get away from the endless couples (not to mention the chance to find someone who isn't known by every single other person I know; such is life in Jersey).

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Saturn


Member

Posted Fri Feb 8th, 2008 1:49pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
I tell you what masquerade, you may not think much of yourself and all your friends may seem more beautiful and attractive than you and that that will never change but when you do go to Uni you will meet a whole different bunch of people who are interested in a whole different bunch of things and will find different things attractive.

It may seem impossible to believe that there are guys out there that really would find you appealing but there are [and they will not turn out to be all gay!!].

You know what If I was ten years younger and not otherwise attached I'd be crazy in love with you - you're the kind of girl that would have been perfect for me.

You're a little bit geeky, a little bit kooky, you've got an actual working brain in your head, you're sensitive, passionate, intelligent, thoughtful, a little butiunsure of yourself [which is no bad thing] and you care about people, you're interested in culture and art, but not too much and you're little bit naught and sexy too and you are an individual, a one-off - you have an actual personality that isn't ruled by the mass of what everyone else thinks.

All these would have turned my head right around, upside down all over the place and believe me [although I know you probably won't] there are guys out there that would and will be attracted to you.

You'll come good I know you will


You have so much going for you, don't sell yourself short girl!!!!!

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LilyG


Member

Posted Fri Feb 8th, 2008 1:55pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
*points upwards*

whoa!

couldn't have put it better!

listen to saturn, that is all SO true and amazing.

phwoar.

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Maureen


Member

Posted Fri Feb 8th, 2008 5:55pm Post subject: -mutters incoherent blasphemies-
I
you are an individual, a one-off - you have an actual personality that isn't ruled by the mass of what everyone else thinks.

You'll come good I know you will


You have so much going for you, don't sell yourself short girl!!!!!

Saturn - you talk so much sense - and your post says as much about you as it does about masquerade!

Masquerade - Saturn is so right - there are guys out there who are looking for exactly the person he describes.

My daughter will starting Uni in September - we're on the Isle of Wight and she feels exactly as you do - that the number of guys to choose from here is limited and everyone knows each other. She can't find the boyfriend she could be happy with so after a few failed attempts she has decided to wait until the wider social network of Uni give her access to - she hopes - guys she can respect and connect with - guys like Saturn in fact! Most of her friends who are in relationships are basically going out with their boyfriend simply in order to be able to say they have a relationship - like you, my daughter won't settle for that.

And i especially agree with the bit of Saturn's post that I've quoted - if you are true to yourself and to who you are as an individual, you'll get there - and you'll attract exactly the right person for you.

And the mate of mine at Uni I quoted earlier - we had an amazing friendship - we still correspond - and it was never sexual, even though at one stage or another we both went through a phase of wanting it to be - but it happened at different times and we both agreed that we didn't want to possibly sacrifice the friendship for what would probably have been a transient affair. So yes, just because your ex is gay, that doesn't mean he never loved you - there are so many types ot love, and they're all valuable.

And you are a valuable, unique person too - hold on to that and try with all your heart to believe it.

*sending more hugs*

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