I don't know if YOU will read this but I hope you will somehow just to know how bad I feel, at how much it has hurt me to hurt YOU.
I already, though less than a day has passed feel myself falling, tumbling back into the abyss, the silent vale of tears and anguish and hopelessness and helplessness I thought I had left behind.
I begin to feel the fangs of despair bite deep into me.
What if I've made a mistake, what if I have thrown away the best, the only chance of happiness that is possible for me in this life?
What if this was it and there will be no more, if there can be no more and I was too scared, too weak and too stubborn to even give it a try?
How could I have done this to someone, to myself also?
I feel a familiar pain, an emptiness begin to envelope me, slowly wrapping itself around me and smothering me in a horrible drowning I cannot escape.
Once again I am too bound up with the past, with the present, with other people's judgments and other people's ideas of me and what I am and what I should be and what I should do to find my own path in life, and thus it ever continues....
Have I once again pressed the self-destruct button and imploded myself from the inside?
I received a package today a parcel today, her heart is in my hands, her life, her hopes, her dreams nestled in my palm but dare I even go there again, dare I even find what is inside?
But I think the heart is a small organ, a delicate thing and it can't be subdivided and surgeon-cut into two and an old attachment thrown away, it will not be forced, it cannot be purged of feelings it wishes to retain and it cannot be replaced or made anew - this is my heart now, forever torn in two, never whole, never able to be fully one again from now henceforth.
I gave it all, three times now I have offered my heart and only once ever felt the echo of returning feeling, yet even that I could not deal with because so much of it remains with the one I gave it too before and no matter how much I wanted or wished to give it all anew, I knew deep down that my heart would always be split between the old and the new, and that is not fair on me or anyone else.
It is not possible for a man to love two people at the same time, and to give love to only one, it is deeply wrong to even try.
From this day forth, perhaps until the end of my life I will have to live with what I've done, the hideous spectre of my cowardice, gnawing at me, biting me, pulling me apart.
I don't think I've ever hated myself so much as I do now and ever felt such remorse, such terrible guilt as I do now.
I never felt how inadequate, how immature, how so very undeserving I am of any love or any happiness in life as I do today.
This is me, this is my life, this is how I am and how I must live, always and forever at the mercy of my weaknesses and my failings and my mistakes.
I will never ever be the same again.
Part of me has died, that part called hope....and life and promise...
Please do not respond anyone, this is a purely private rant.