Given all of these bad memories you wouldn't think that celebration would be in order, but it is. Since I was a child I've had depression problems as well as other problems that are much like symptoms of manic depression. Many of the emotions, symptoms, etc that I experience now are how I've been since I can remember.
I met him when I was 18, we worked together at Burger King and we thought "we" were great. I lost myself, ignored my needs and lived my life to make him happy. I got into the habit of giving up the things I liked because he didn't. I made myself like the things he did even tho I didn't. I felt loved and was willing to sacrifice myself for it.
Eventually he asked me to marry him...years later we finally did. I continued to put myself on the back burner. I became crazier, unstable, angry. I felt used but I denied it for that white picket fence, children I wished I had, familiarity. I didn't let myself see that I was neglected, that my dreams would(as far as I knew then) always be dreams. My heart whithered.
3 years came and went, he was acting strange so I hacked into his computer to find out why. She was in his email, chat logs, everywhere. They were "in love" and I kept calm as I transfered everything to my computer. I sat there, 5 feet away from him as I read the logs. He didn't know. Finally he looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I exploded. I cried and bawled like a baby for 2 months, asking over and over "how could you?" "why?" the list goes on and on. He told me he only married me to make me happy. Talked about her constantly. I resisted the urges to kill him. I tried kicking him out but he came back. I reminded him that I only made 2 rules: #1 If you lay a hand on me in anger you'll never see me again, #2 if you cheat on me, you'll never see me again.
The monday after I found out I was sitting at my desk at work. Watching myself from behind, wondering how I'd let myself get hurt so badly. Wondering if I would ever get over it. I needed help and I knew it. So I started eatting pills...I was told later that a cowork led me to the parking lot where my ex was waiting to take me to the hospital. I remember when I got in the truck I only said one thing, I hope I die. He took me to the mall parking lot across the street to the hospital and we waited, eventually mom and dad came and took me to the hospital. Why he didn't do it I'll never know, maybe he wanted me to die too, maybe he was freaked out like usual in a situation he didn't know how to handle. I spent a week talking to a psychiatrist I couldn't afford, sitting in on group therapies I didn't understand. I started to stink, and when I came out of the fog enough I realized I'd been wearing the same clothes all week. No one ever brought me clean clothes to wear or a toothbrush. The day I was released he came to pick me up and forgot to bring my shoes. I had to walk to the car nearly a mile away looking like an urchin in soiled, stinky clothes and bare feet. I knew that I had been abandoned. We went home, I couldn't move out until I knew for sure. The night he burst into the bedroom at 2am yelling and kicking the bed and threatening me, I knew. I moved out the next day.
Today I sit here, thinking back on the past 10 years that I've spent with him and I feel nothing. I don't miss anything. I simply don't care how he lives his life or who with. I've moved on and gotten over it.
In 2 months I'll have my name back. I'll have my life back. I'll start the process of moving to England. I'll start my life over again and now I know what I didn't know then. I'm in love with someone that truly loves me and shows me every day. I haven't forgotten who I am, I haven't tossed aside my likes and dreams, I don't have to. My time here in this place I once called home is coming to an end and I look forward to making a new home.
So very much has changed in the past year, but I wouldn't go back and change any of it for anything. I can't regret what made me who I am today. I can say that despite the mental circus going on in my head, I am happy with my life.
So I invite you all to raise you glasses, coffee mugs, beers or whatever to a toast!
Here's to no regrets, sticking to the rules, and to never letting the hurt consume you and make you a bitter person!
*kiss* 
