Having had a quick read through some posts I want to express my absolute delight that there is a forum like this avaliable for people to talk through there issues and feelings.
A little background to the reason I'm posting. I'm 18 years old, and for the last 6 years have had difficulty fighting what was originally diagnosed with depression, and also obsessive compulsive disorder which affects both the way i act and the way i think. It took me away from school for 3 years, and has also affected my college life. It has also lead me to spent great chunks of my life shut away, but also having extended periods of happiness to the point where i have become iritable not anxious with how alert and happy I am.
In late October, I experienced a severe manic episode for the first time. In the past I have had hypomanic episodes which my GP and a CPN i saw for sometime seemed to over look, but in this instance it was a Thursday morning in which I experienced what I can only describe as an adrenaline rush followed by a complete loss of control and found myself, in something of a cimenatic way no doubt fueled by the countless hours I had shut myself away watching TV and films, heading down to the train tracks feeling completely lost, unable to find a purpose or feeling that wasn't overpowered by dispair and pointlessness. It was whilst I was walking down, clearly appearing distressed that a local lady stopped me and asked me if I needed help, originally ignoring her she physically stopped me and somehow managed to calm me down to the point I was sat on the footpath while the police and paramedics arived. They took me back to my house, while in my mind I could only feel they weren't realising how much I was suffering so I ran in and shut myself in a room thinking a familiar place may calm me down, at this point they appeared to loom in on me and I paniced, lashing out and striking a police officer in the face which lead them to handcuff me and have an oxygen mask because I was having a panic attack put on me at which point I passed out, fading in and out of conciousness.
During the time I was unconcious I was having vivid dreams of being a flash of light that couldn't switch off, continuosly heading down a read that wouldn't end. Before (around 4 hours later) i regained full conciousness, still handcuffed, in hospital. A few hours later I was allowed to leave, and head home still extremely depressed unable to grasp the whole scenario that had took place.
The following week I went back to college fighting extreme mood swings, having still not seen a doctor because of waiting lists and their apparent inability to see the desperate situation I was in. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable around people, worrying it was all going to take place again.. and although my anxious behaviour was picked up on by teachers and fellow students it wasn't really seen as anything unusual for me. Ironically, in the middle of the week I watched an old rerun of Whose Line Is It Anyway? on Freeview, and saw almost a carbon copy of the way I can behave in Tony Slattery acting anxious and clearly uncomfortable infront of other people, who I was later told appears in the documentary because he suffers from Bipolar Disorder.
On the Thursday morning (my day off) almost exactly a week after it happened the first, i experienced a similar feeling of dread and fear take over my body, at which point I took Diazepam (given me by my doctor in order to fight the effects of what they described as a 'panic disorder'). This time I felt more in control but the feeling of completely dispair, and derealization lasted for 9 days.. ending in what I can only describe as an attack of rage and anger that lead me to trash the garage, destroying a great deal of (fortunately worthless) possessions. At this point my neighbour heard the noise and came to help me, taking me for an emegency appointment at the doctor where I was told i was experiencing a manic episode, which needed to be tested for psychosis (something which still hasn't been done). I was offered prozac and cipralex to ease my depression and anxiety, the latter of which I took and have been told once I have seen a psychiatrist in the new year if I indeed I have the symptons of Bipolar I then I would be advised to take Lithium, and in the mean time to read up on the effects of it.
Having done so I was wondering what people would recommend I do, the harmful affects of the Lithium in themselves are not what worry me, it's more the fear it will destroy my personaly, charisma and creativity.. which are the few remaining things I feel I have kept after this episode.
I have mainly logged my experience for myself, because I have big gaps in my memory I thought it might help to trace my steps and see what I could read into the whole experience. I don't expect anyone to read through the whole thing lol. But I would like to know how you all deal with your experiences, depression, anxiety and what your views on mood stabilising medication are.
Thanks for reading.
Hope you've all had a good Christmas and have a great New Year.
Take care xxxxxx <3