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jk


Member

Posted Sun Feb 1st, 2009 10:57pm Post subject: A paragraph
Just a section of work seeking fresh eyes.

Nassau, a fun town full of vibrant market like action surrounded by luxurious hotels filled with bronzed taut women of all shapes and dispositions, was Denby’s favourite island getaway. Unlike other resort cities, there was an affluent decadence about Nassau that avoided being tawdry and simply remained sensual, it was hot, but not sweaty. There were no garish balconies overhanging the streets festooned with corseted woman to entice tourists and create contrived atmosphere. In Nassau, whoring occurred in hotel casinos and nightclubs catering to wealthy white tourists. Once free of their rooms, the young, middle-class students stayed away, off the properties of the chain hotels, and dwelt in the seething dance halls catering to native Bahamians. Sex and excess in the Bahamas was a matter of class. The rich did their business in air-conditioned comfort away from the eyes of digital cameras and webcams. Visiting students, escaping their parents and authority, drank themselves into stupors and performed sex acts before cheering friends waking up as cheap, stained, and unsatisfied as the acts left their audiences. All the while, the Bahamians, smiling as they did so, went about the business of making money and earning a living.

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PamJH


Member

Posted Mon Feb 2nd, 2009 5:12am Post subject: A paragraph
Intriguing.

I think I'd break it up into two paragraphs if you haven't already, as well as shorten one or two sentences for variety. I do like the bald frankness of your descriptions, as well as the way you offset the tourists with the local people.

I've never been there. Is it really that decadent? Wow!

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jk


Member

Posted Tue Feb 3rd, 2009 1:48pm Post subject: A paragraph
Intriguing.


I've never been there. Is it really that decadent? Wow!

Thank you very much, took your advice. I found Nassau to be lovely, a little ramshackle, very friendly. I arrived with my arm in a sling and every native Bahamian asked "You didn't to that here did you?" as though the thought of injury while in the Bahamas was too tragic to think about. I'm afraid this para is framed from the character's perspective; and, oh dear Denby is rather inhuman creature. Once again, thank you for the comment.

JK

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