STEPHEN FRY

Frazzy said:
checks out the windows repeatedly

I love the image of this, LOL! It makes me picture a dog going from window to window repeatedly like a secret agent on a mission, pulling aside the blinds and peering out.

I had possibly the worst bingo-based experience it's possible to have last Monday. I was calling a game of bingo, and called a wrong number.

I immediately corrected myself, but, as is typical in these situations, the customers (about 500 of them, in a vast hall), all began to mutter and grumble, and I was put off.

Wrongfooted, I called another wrong number. Louder muttering and grumbling. The odd 'Boo.'

By now frazzled and 'off my game,' I began to call this new flyer we have, that's called more quickly than conventional bingo - each number is called twice in conventional bingo, first in its constituent parts and then its entirety (i.e. 'Three and one, thirty-one,'), whereas in this game, each number was only called once. Which I explained before we began. But bingo players don't take too kindly to change. Shortly after I began to call the game, it all went to Hell in a handbasket. People were shouting, booing and shouting, 'You're rubbish!' At the same time, I could see customers who were on my side trying to defend me. One man slammed his hand down on his table and screamed, 'Shut your mouths!'

Completely distracted and distraught, I lost it completely, and validated a claim incorrectly.

At which a woman behind me said, 'It's YOU! It's YOUR FAULT she missed that claim. You're calling the numbers TOO FAST.'

My boss came up onstage, said, 'Are you alright?' I said, 'No,' burst into tears and walked out of the hall.

I sat in the smoking shelter crying for half an hour, with bosses and team leaders trying to comfort and reassure me that it happens to every bingo caller at some point.

At which I thought, 'Then WHY THE HELL does anyone ever call bingo?' This is completely and utterly cruel and unnecessary treatment of a human being in response to the most trivial mistake. I didn't sign up for this when I was born.

Then I got back up and called the Late Session. I cannot believe I did this. But I did. And I got a round of applause. Fickle bingo players.

I need to get OUT of here. I've decided to become a stand up comedian. I think it would be less stressful.