STEPHEN FRY

I am not a trained professional in analysis, but four points stand out in your note above that could possibly benefit from a non-rhetorical response.

First of all, you were first self-harming at a very young age, and you refused to talk about why, which presumably infers you know the reason, and it was important.

Second, your mental health from your early teen years does sound frightening, but disassociation / fugue states in what little I have read about them generally relate to events of a serious shock in nature. Possibly this has something to do with the event you could not talk about at twelve? Or possibly not, but regardless of whether chronic memory loss falls into a symptom list for dyspraxia, considering your earlier unresolved events, there is a higher probability of correlation to that earlier situation. Might be worth looking into and discussing with a mental health professional. Actually, it might be worth considering who is still in your life who may have encouraged the initial self harm to occur, and if they are there, what did they do in the first place, and are they still doing it?

Thirdly, blanking out from large chunks of memory loss frequently has a laundry list of possibilities behind it. Disassociation is one, due to traumatic events, but so is exposure to rohipnol, documented side effects of certain sleeping pills infamous for causing memory blanks, and sleep deprivation due to apnea. I am not a doctor, but as you have brought up the crossroads in your own analysis, perhaps this offers something new to think about.

Fourth, ambiguity over whether you accept a diagnoses that presumably covers all these situations as textbook sounds a lot like guilt, and regardless of what you have, maybe you can ask yourself if you are having guilt over hypochondria, or if perhaps you might have been negatively conditioned to feel decadent or overly-self-indulgent when you have wanted to come forward with a problem troubling you in the past. If so, what was it if anything that you were manipulated through guilt out of expressing?

I would suggest not answering here, if indeed you are still reading this thread, and good luck!

Seems strange you have to be committed in order to recieve a diagnosis of bipolar. You would think they would want to diagnose you before you need to be committed to save you from that grief. I personally would get a second opinion, because even if it isn't bipolar but some other psychological problem it sounds like you're having a rough time of things. I hope you get some help and are able to deal with these problems. I used to think I could control radio frequencies with my head, and I could control what songs would come on the radio, and when a song i didn't like came on the radio, I explained it away by thinking someone else in my life was doing the same thing to talk to me. It seemed perfectly natural and frankly fun at the time. Looking back though, pretty scary stuff.