STEPHEN FRY

My mother 86, lives with us. She was a very bad parent. But it's been easier moving in if for no other reason than there isn't the back and forth to her house.

She is a very difficult person but it's been my decision to look after her.

I look after her because my conscience, no matter what she has done, wouldn't rest if I didn't.

And that is something just personal to me. I wouldn't condemn someone who couldn't care for a relative. If they can't then the relative is better off being looked after by a home, or housing project. Or even by carers coming in.

If, for whatever reason, I couldn't look after her I would involve the social services and make sure she was in a good retirement home, or sheltered housing.

I don't know how it works in the US. Will social services intervene? They would here, at least in the part of the country we live in, if the elderly person/people were in a vulnerable situation.

I used to look after an elderly neighbour when my kids were little, along with some other neighbours. She couldn't get to the bathroom and us female neighbours were helping her with her toilet times. Not pleasant.

The doctor had social services come and, despite her initial stubborness and refusal to be helped, they talked her into a stay in a respite home to see how she got on. She agreed in the end.

Another lady near to us was in much the same situation and the social services intervened again. She ended up living, very happily in a lovely retirement home.

But, like I say, I don't know what local services are available.

Here the social workers wouldn't let your grandad even leave hospital unless they were happy that his home situation was good.

I would say it's incredibly difficult and without doubt if your mom needs help then she should put it in the hands of someone else. She will get too worn out to effectively care for them anyway.

Me and husband have said we are going into sheltered housing/a home as soon as we can't manage. We don't want to put the worry of our old age onto our kids.

Good luck with it. It's a difficult situation.

They would certainly intervene here. They would be getting help. It might be worth finding out if they would where your grandparents are.

My mother has been with us for 6 years. Today she is ill again, and had a fall earlier, not serious, and so it's just been easier to do things for her with her being here.

I don't know if this link helps you, should your grandfather be admitted to hospital again, but is there a service like this?

http://www.nursing-home-directory.co.uk/discharge-planning.htm

If there is a service like this they may take some weight off your mother.

I'm glad you found a link to send to your mom. And she can find help. It really must be exhausting for her and she has my sympathies.

Here is another link. I don't know, again if it is helpful, but I hope it might help your mom.

http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/pdf/supportnet/.....atives.pdf

Let us know how she gets on. Best wishes to you and the family xxx

If you haven't already, check out the Oklahoma Dept of Health Services website too:
http://www.okdhs.org/programsandservices/aging/

Welcome Michael.

Today my mother fell, her head hit the corner of a wall and the top of her ear split. Pretty horrible.

We were at the hospital for 4 hours. She has had it stitched.

Because she has been to A & E the 'Falls Clinic' have been informed and they will assess her to see if she needs a zimmer frame and extra help, for example, handles about the place.

Been a rotten day all round though.

Wow, that's horrible Michael. I really hope you can get some help with this. I know so little about the american system that I can't offer any help at all And Tito, that sounds like it is tough task, consciences are pesky sometimes!

It's something I know we may face sooner or later. My Dad is essentially a carer for my Mum nowadays. She's been in a bit of a gradual decline for about three years now, and was diagnosed with something finally this January (he won't tell us exactly what but she's on Alzheimers medication). It's not so much her memory (although that's a little bad in the short term) but she just can't seem to deal with organisational things at all. She can't do jigsaw puzzles, won't see something that's right in front of her and can't deal with money at all. She was a fantastic cook but now we get the strangest combinations of things with really odd portion sizes! Anyway, my Dad is not the worlds most patient man, but he is very proud and feels it's his responsibility. He does help her with cooking and things but she still wants and needs to do it when possible.

I do my best to visit and try to help when I can but it's a fine line between interfering and helping sometimes.

Gadgetgirl, my conscience gets in the way all the time. (Although the alternative is being like Margaret Thatcher who was never troubled by a conscience at all)

You are in a difficult position with your parents. That's another reason that sometimes professional intervention is the best thing. It takes the pressure off you. You can't do much else now but keep an eye on them.

Michael, If this is it http://www.clearwellmobility.co.uk/images/int_cms_.....web_la.jpg then it is the same. If it isn't, then it isn't. And so it's not. Does that help?

The ear is healing up remarkably well and considering it was so bad is a surprise. She says there isn't any pain from it either unless she accidentally lies on it. I thought it was going to turn out a lot worse.

michael said:
yeah the ear sounds lucky.

(i think i just typed a new fortune cookie fortuen)

I must confess to feeling absolutely mentally and emotionally shite right now. Thankyou Michael. This is the first thing to make me laugh today.