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michael


Member

Posted Thu Jul 8th, 2010 11:44pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

i visited my parents for a few days this week. my grandfather has been in and out of the hospital a lot, and both him and my grandmother need a lot of help from my mom and dad.

this has been especially overwhelming for my mom. it's not like they are sweet grandparents getting senile... they are people who were not-so-good parents, alchoholic / addicted to gambling / verbally abusive / etc. so of course they aren't aging like sweet old people!

Here's what i learned in my visit to my grandparents house:

1. only one room is livable

2. one toilet half-works

3. grandfather eats off dirty dishes, including knives covered in week old mayo

3 and 1/2. and ends up in hospital with intestinal infections

4. grandmother pees in jars when she can't make it to the bathroom and leaves pee collections everywhere.

5. there are at least three loaded guns in the living room, all within plain sight, but we don't know when the last time was any of them were CLEANED or MAINTAINED

6. grandmother MAY have taken out all her savings and hidden it somewhere in the house.

7. Right now, they both can't get around well and shouldn't drive, and yet they do. Because they live in a rural area, and they are so ridiculously stubborn they won't wait JUST 24 FRICKING HOURS FOR ONE OF THE YOUNGER FOLKS TO GO OUT AND GET A NEW TRACTOR IGNITION FOR A 1948 FORD TRACTOR!! NO! THEY HAVE TO HAVE IT RIGHT NOW! EVEN IF IT MEANS DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY WITH THE REACTION TIME OF A GALAPAGOS TORTOISE!!!

mom's life is getting so overwhelmed by all of it. it weighs on me a lot too. i'm trying to figure out how to help her.

has anyone here had to be a caregiver to their parents and make difficult decisions about when to help them and when to stop or hire help?? i am so frustrated.

.
.
plus i drove home in pouring rain and some stupid truck lost half it's load in the road RIGHT in front of me when visibility was really low... maybe i just need a big yelling or weightlifting session!!

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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michael


Member

Posted Thu Jul 8th, 2010 11:49pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

i also have been looking around online for help and support groups.

so far i saw a video about a woman who is rejecting help from her family. but their conversations ... and her house... they are a lot more normal.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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tito


Member *

Posted Fri Jul 9th, 2010 3:04pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

My mother 86, lives with us. She was a very bad parent. But it's been easier moving in if for no other reason than there isn't the back and forth to her house.

She is a very difficult person but it's been my decision to look after her.

I look after her because my conscience, no matter what she has done, wouldn't rest if I didn't.

And that is something just personal to me. I wouldn't condemn someone who couldn't care for a relative. If they can't then the relative is better off being looked after by a home, or housing project. Or even by carers coming in.

If, for whatever reason, I couldn't look after her I would involve the social services and make sure she was in a good retirement home, or sheltered housing.

I don't know how it works in the US. Will social services intervene? They would here, at least in the part of the country we live in, if the elderly person/people were in a vulnerable situation.

I used to look after an elderly neighbour when my kids were little, along with some other neighbours. She couldn't get to the bathroom and us female neighbours were helping her with her toilet times. Not pleasant.

The doctor had social services come and, despite her initial stubborness and refusal to be helped, they talked her into a stay in a respite home to see how she got on. She agreed in the end.

Another lady near to us was in much the same situation and the social services intervened again. She ended up living, very happily in a lovely retirement home.

But, like I say, I don't know what local services are available.

Here the social workers wouldn't let your grandad even leave hospital unless they were happy that his home situation was good.

I would say it's incredibly difficult and without doubt if your mom needs help then she should put it in the hands of someone else. She will get too worn out to effectively care for them anyway.

Me and husband have said we are going into sheltered housing/a home as soon as we can't manage. We don't want to put the worry of our old age onto our kids.

Good luck with it. It's a difficult situation.


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michael


Member

Posted Fri Jul 9th, 2010 3:47pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

I found a couple of local (well an hour away, that's local :P) places that are nonprofits that will meet with people and collect together all the different options. Sent the link to mom.

How long has your mom been living with you?

As far as the situation being unlivable & state dept.'s intervening, I don't know... I think it's kinda borderline... and I don't know that sort of stuff myself. Been trying to find out a little though.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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tito


Member *

Posted Fri Jul 9th, 2010 6:51pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

They would certainly intervene here. They would be getting help. It might be worth finding out if they would where your grandparents are.

My mother has been with us for 6 years. Today she is ill again, and had a fall earlier, not serious, and so it's just been easier to do things for her with her being here.

I don't know if this link helps you, should your grandfather be admitted to hospital again, but is there a service like this?

http://www.nursing-home-directory.co.uk/discharge-planning.htm

If there is a service like this they may take some weight off your mother.

I'm glad you found a link to send to your mom. And she can find help. It really must be exhausting for her and she has my sympathies.

Here is another link. I don't know, again if it is helpful, but I hope it might help your mom.

http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/pdf/supportnet/.....atives.pdf

Let us know how she gets on. Best wishes to you and the family xxx


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tito


Member *

Posted Fri Jul 9th, 2010 6:54pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

Another: http://www.nfcacares.org/


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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Sat Jul 10th, 2010 2:18am Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

If you haven't already, check out the Oklahoma Dept of Health Services website too:
http://www.okdhs.org/programsandservices/aging/

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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michael


Member

Posted Sat Jul 10th, 2010 4:04pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

wow, thanks guys!! those are all lots of help!

i'm not sure if my mom will act on any of this, but at least she looks it over. she's kinda in that state where she believes everything will go wrong, and it's hard for me to get her to, for example, call the place and ask about services for her town, even if the website makes it look like they don't cover that area of the state. i got more tenacious about that stuff when i needed help and was uninsured... i'd call anyone and answer their no's with "can you help me find who to go to next?"

i talked to my brother last night and he was thinking along the same lines as what y'all have said (he lives out of state) and together we're gonna try and help mom be more determined and motivated about getting some of these duties off her shoulders. it's been effecting her health a lot, too.

my brother said that we need to get a list together of all the options (similar to the brochure you linked to, Tito ) and get mom to meet face to face with some agency that can help her pull that together and maybe give her some support with a support group. i think she also gets weighted down by thinking "my parents are nuts and the most difficult folks" and it would probly help to hear some one working at one of these places say "oh, yeah, i work with about 50 people like that! it's hard! but here's some things that will help you: _____"

i'll let y'all know how things go.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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tito


Member *

Posted Mon Jul 12th, 2010 2:59pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

Welcome Michael.

Today my mother fell, her head hit the corner of a wall and the top of her ear split. Pretty horrible.

We were at the hospital for 4 hours. She has had it stitched.

Because she has been to A & E the 'Falls Clinic' have been informed and they will assess her to see if she needs a zimmer frame and extra help, for example, handles about the place.

Been a rotten day all round though.


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tito


Member *

Posted Mon Jul 12th, 2010 4:44pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

Michael, here is another thing I've found. Just briefly looked at it, but hope it's helpful.

http://caringformomanddad.blogspot.com/


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gadgetgirl


Member

Posted Tue Jul 13th, 2010 2:38pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

Wow, that's horrible Michael. I really hope you can get some help with this. I know so little about the american system that I can't offer any help at all And Tito, that sounds like it is tough task, consciences are pesky sometimes!

It's something I know we may face sooner or later. My Dad is essentially a carer for my Mum nowadays. She's been in a bit of a gradual decline for about three years now, and was diagnosed with something finally this January (he won't tell us exactly what but she's on Alzheimers medication). It's not so much her memory (although that's a little bad in the short term) but she just can't seem to deal with organisational things at all. She can't do jigsaw puzzles, won't see something that's right in front of her and can't deal with money at all. She was a fantastic cook but now we get the strangest combinations of things with really odd portion sizes! Anyway, my Dad is not the worlds most patient man, but he is very proud and feels it's his responsibility. He does help her with cooking and things but she still wants and needs to do it when possible.

I do my best to visit and try to help when I can but it's a fine line between interfering and helping sometimes.

That would be me.

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michael


Member

Posted Wed Jul 14th, 2010 1:04pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

Tito: ouch ouch ouch! How is that healing up? Is a zimmer frame what we call a walker? (we meaning americans i guess, lol)

GGG: That sounds like a lot of changes for both your mom and your dad! I spose that could be early stage alzheimers, but yeah, who knows if they don't tell you? Why do you think he doesn't tell you? I guess that's really hard for some older parents... to tell things to their kids that they would have kept quiet for the sake of not worrying the kids. i can't type sentences too well today, sorry if that doesn't make sense

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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tito


Member *

Posted Wed Jul 14th, 2010 2:03pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

Gadgetgirl, my conscience gets in the way all the time. (Although the alternative is being like Margaret Thatcher who was never troubled by a conscience at all)

You are in a difficult position with your parents. That's another reason that sometimes professional intervention is the best thing. It takes the pressure off you. You can't do much else now but keep an eye on them.

Michael, If this is it http://www.clearwellmobility.co.uk/images/int_cms_.....web_la.jpg then it is the same. If it isn't, then it isn't. And so it's not. Does that help?

The ear is healing up remarkably well and considering it was so bad is a surprise. She says there isn't any pain from it either unless she accidentally lies on it. I thought it was going to turn out a lot worse.


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michael


Member

Posted Wed Jul 14th, 2010 4:21pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

yup Tito, that's it... and often here they put tennis balls on the feet of them. why they don't just make them with tennis balls, i dunno.

and i'm hearin' what you're saying to GGG too about prof. intervention and "you can't do much but keep an eye on them"... sometimes my brain runs in circles about what i can and can't do

yeah the ear sounds lucky.

(i think i just typed a new fortune cookie fortuen)

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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tito


Member *

Posted Wed Jul 14th, 2010 5:12pm Post subject: anyone here had to care for parents?

michael said:
yeah the ear sounds lucky.

(i think i just typed a new fortune cookie fortuen)

I must confess to feeling absolutely mentally and emotionally shite right now. Thankyou Michael. This is the first thing to make me laugh today.


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