STEPHEN FRY

Ah! Here comes a customer now!

Dear Aunty Tito,

My husband keeps wanting me to wear a Yeti outfit when we make love.

I'm not one to complain, and I don't want to do anything rash like leave him over it, but I don't like wearing it.

How should I approach this problem?

I don't know if this helps, as a bit of extra background, but my husband's cousin is left handed.

Yours, Worried, from London.

Tito says:

Dear Worried,

Sorry but I wasn't really listening. You say it's bringing you out in a rash this Yeti outfit?

You don't say what it's made from.

I think natural fibres may be best on the allergy front. Or man made.

One or the other anyway.

My next door neighbour told me that her husband likes her to gargle while they 'do it'.

Although she didn't say what she gargles with. Avoided answering the question when I asked her.

Hope this helps!

Aunty Tito

Remember! A problem shared is irritating!

Dear Satisfied Client,

I am always here to help!

Best wishes Aunty Tito

Dear Aunty Tito,

I am a fairly pretty young woman of twenty, getting married next month!, but I do have something of a slight facial hair problem.

Just a bit of a moustache, but it is embarrassing.

I wonder what you would recommend to combat it?

Yours, Hirsute, from Barcelona

Tito says:

Dear Hirsute,

Have you seen my profile picture?

And you think you've got facial hair problems?

I've become so hairy since I passed forty my husband booked me in at the vets for my hysterectomy.

But you haven't given a thought to that have you? Oh no!

Do people try giving you worm tablets? Do you have to flea powder yourself before you go out?

Do your relatives take you to the park on your birthday and throw sticks for you?

Do people mistake you for a Border Terrier?

Well madam, they do me!

Oh I know your sort, me, me, me!

God help your poor husband to be.

God forbid he ever tells you he's got a fatal disease. I can imagine it now,

'Sorry dear but I can't deal with it right now, can I?, you can I'm busy waxing my upper lip!'.

Selfish cow.

Hope that helps!

Aunty Tito

Remember a problem shared is often ignored!

Tito says:

Dear Nephew Florian,

I usually tackle swelling members with a potato poultice!

You just see if it doesn't work!

If the swelling continues I would suggest that you ask Mills and Boon to tone things down for a month or two, publish a few titles along the lines of,

Saline Drip Treatments (A History)

Compassion Personified by Margaret Thatcher

The Key To Natural Beauty by Pete Burns

The Ladder To My Success! (Autobiography) An inspirational tale of one man keeping the same window cleaning round for 32 years. Author, Sebastian Blowpipe.

These should do the trick and before you know it you will be able to accommodate any member very comfortably indeed!

Hope that helps!

Yours Bodice Rippingly

Aunty Tito

Remember a problem shared is a cheaper entertainment than a trip to see a Steven Seagal movie at the flicks!

Tito says:

Dear Over-Enthusiastic,

You will need to do house to house enquiries to locate your bike.

Although from the sounds of things your biggest problem may be going home with just the one. Ahem.

If you wish to remain unrecognised you will need to purchase a suitable disguise. Something that blends in with your surroundings.

If this village is in an African Jungle then you could be in luck! My cousin Dixie Tofu-Smits is selling a gorilla suit, ladies size 8.

If this is unsuitable then I would direct you to Madame Brasilla's Costumier Boutique.

There's a sale on. Las vegas showgirl outfits half price.

How do your legs look in fishnets?

Hope this helps!

Yours with bromide,

Aunty Tito

Remember. A friend in need always wants money.

Dear Aunty Tito,

Recently I discovered a terrible and dark secret about my wife (the choirmaster of the church, if you were interested) I always thought that I, along with her conducting was her life, although now it would appear she is twiddling one more baton than I had presumed, if you get my meaning... What should I do?

Yours,
Reverend Macintosh Macalroy-McDonald

Dear Aunty,

I have a female friend who is deeply distressed. Her husband (I won't name and shame him, it would be unkind to disclose such things in a small community like ours, and how could he continue to hold services when all around know his shortcomings?) is a jealous man who, at the same time as being emotionally jealous, physically rejects her for long periods. She tells me that she would even welcome his pursuing her around the kitchen covered in lard and shouting "Show me the spinach!" if it were more often than once every two years. I have done my very best to comfort her; on one occasion, I comforted her six times in one day and had to take the following week off work while I waited for the gouges to heal. How can I discreetly persuade him to give it another try? She would welcome him with open ....arms if only he would stop doing that thing with the fishing waders and the neighbour's labrador. For one thing, I'm sure the synod would have something to say, and the dog itself is looking decidedly weary these days.

Over-Enthusiastic,
Pratt's Bottom - with - Foul End