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Maxx England
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 1:41pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Dear Aunty, I am stepping aside to let my friend "Choraeus" speak to you. We both feel that something needs to be done and she would welcome your personal advice. O-E, PB w FE.
Dear Aunty,
Can you help me put my marriage back on track? I know that O-E is a splendid man in many ways, not letting his tin leg, one eye, badly perforated eardrum (usefully, he can breathe through it, I won't say any more) and seventy three years stand in the way of his ambition to sire half a county, but we both know that there can never be a permanent "understanding" between us. This presents me with the choice of setting off in the world armed only with a modest inheritance, Antibes apartment and a cache of incriminating letters and Prince, sorry, prints relating to a certain highly placed personage or making a go of it with my husband.
I have honestly tried, kitchen floor, on my hands and knees, face down in a bowl of Pedigree Chum with a fur rug on my back (hardly glamorous, my dear, but on does one's best) but he's simply not interested. I won't insult your intellect by saying O-E is the only man I have turned to; I don't actually know how anyone could insult your intellect. Please don't refer to my activities as infidelities, I think of them as acts of kindness and charity. As an example, those fifteen young soldiers, trembling as they were about to go into action, so young, so frightened and only by promising to unlock the door afterwards was I able to calm them. The Welsh Male Voice Choir was a pure misunderstanding, I'd only had one or two sherries when I mentioned, vis a vis my religious devotion, that I hadn't had a really good service for weeks. Bless them, they did their best, some of them twice. I thank the Lord for the blessings that my choral work has brought to my circular breathing technique. There were others, among them the two lovely Polish boys who came to empty the cellar for us, they were so far from home and lonely. They're settling in quite nicely now, with new paint and wallpaper, some furniture and cable TV. I don't know how long I can continue with telling my husband that the cellar door's stuck, though.
Choraeus
ps
I suppose you think I'm rather a dreadful flirt, don't you?
The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?
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Maxx England
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 2:12pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Aunty, Aunty, help me! Help me! I'm bloody knackered, Aunty, I can hear her footste
The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?
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tito
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 2:59pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Tito says:
Dear Choraeus,
Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on your charity work with needy men. (Is there an O.B.E. in the offing? I received one for my own charitable liaisons with The Brighouse And Rastrick Brass Band and the crew of HMS Illustrious.)
I was quite stumped with this one and so asked my trusted friend and neighbour, Bert Plutarch, for his thoughts.
He suggested you take on an allotment. He says it is his key to a happy marriage. 'There's nothing like sharing a Leek together to keep the intimacy alive!'.
But perhaps this isn't for you! I know not everyone finds enjoyment through the medium of manure.
But it would be a pretty boring world if we were all the same!
First of all you really need to get rid of these young men in your cellar! Three's not only a crowd but it's unhygienic too.
I've got room for them here if you're stuck. I certainly won't mind putting them up!
The idea of leaving and going on an adventure can seem tempting. You may be the new Shirley Valentine, but may just as easily end up doing the evening shift on a whelk stand in Bridlington.
I do think you are taking too much blame for the failings in your marriage. It takes two to Tango! And three to make a string quartet. But that goes without saying!
Ha Ha!
You need to give your husband an ultimatum! Either he bucks up and appreciates your giving and generous nature or it's spam sandwiches for dinner every night for the next decade!
Toughen up dear! Toughen up!
Hope that helps!
Yours, matrimonially,
Aunty Tito
P.S. There's nothing wrong with a bit of harmless flirtation! I will be doing some this weekend with our local police motorcycle display team!
Remember! A problem shared can be sold to the tabloid press for several thousand pounds.
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Maxx England
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 3:39pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Dear Aunty,
That's not young Illustrious Tito, is it? Is he really your son? Good lord, to think that only last month I drove him down to Casualty after that accident with my daughter and a carelessly pointed shotgun. Is he sitting down yet?
O-E, PB w FE
The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?
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tito
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 3:45pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Tito says:
Dear O-E, PB w FE,
He can sit down, but only when standing.
Hope that helps!
Yours Bulletproofedly,
Aunty Tito
Remember! A good counsellor is worth two shakes of a wags tail!
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Maxx England
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 4:15pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Lord, how we laughed! Well, I did, seem to remember a lot of embarassed whimpering from him, but that's the youth of today, what!
While I remember, do you ever see my ex and our daughter, Ark Royal? Can you ask them if they have the spaniel? Damned if I can find it anywhere here.
And I can't think what's got into old Mac lately, been terribly standoffish with me. Don't think it's anything to do with the fishing rights, do you?
O-E, PB w FE
The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?
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tito
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 4:54pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Tito says:
Dear O-E, PB w FE,
Incidentally an anagram of the above letters spells 'PFOEWBE'!
Imagine that!
I don't see much of your ex. Not since she married the president of Inglenookia. Being a first lady is a busy job!
But Ark Royal pops around quite regularly. She's teaching Mr Aunty Tito to play the bassoon.
We lay a blancmange on for her so she does the lessons for free.
Take no notice of old Mac. Since he won first prize in last year's 'Huge Carrot' category at the village show he's right 'up himself'.
I'll put him in his place this year with my Really Big Marrow.
Hope that helps!
yours compostingly,
Aunty Tito
Remember! The early bird catches the flu!
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Maxx England
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 7:06pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Been wondering about Mac and the carrot myself. Now what do you propose I do about this damned woman? My nerves are so frayed that I have to type, I can't hold a pen for shaking.
It's sex before dawn, sex after dawn, during breakfast, after breakfast. Sex for elevenses, lunch, afternoon tea, sex before dinner, sex after dinner, sex before supper, during it, after it, I can't cope any more, I think it's affecting my health. I know for a fact I get a terrible whistling in my ears every time I perform self abuse.
O-E
ps
could Illustrious let me have the silk scarf we used as a tourniquet back? Laundered, of course. It was a present from an admirer. Can't dashed remember which one, but an admirer.
The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?
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tito
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 7:41pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Tito says:
Dear O-E,
I'm afraid a restraining order is the only way to go. This woman is clearly harassing you to the point of deafness.
Don't worry about a thing. I will now pen a note to Mr Justice Twangs and he'll sort her out!
Dear M'lud,
I am writing on behalf of an esteemed sex maniac client of mine. He is being cruelly and hideously taken advantage of by a woman who, quite frankly, just can't get a grip on herself. Although she seems to manage quite well with getting a grip on various males.
This poor man seeks a restraining order against this deranged female.
We could offer evidence correctly presented in court etc etc blah blah blah.
Or he could give you £200 and half his collection of 'art' magazines.
How about it judge baby?
Yours Judicially,
Aunty Tito.
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tito
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 7:48pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Dear Aunty Tito,
I am delighted with your offer of a bribe, I mean 'gift' and readily accept!
I never listen to evidence anyway. Bores me rigid.
I will pen the restraining order below, just tear off at the dotted line, get your client to sign it, pin it to his forehead and there you are! All legal and above board!
Kisses,
Mr Justice Twangs
.......................................................................
THIS IS A RESTRAINING ORDER WOT IS LEGAL
OI! MRS! STOP AWAY FROM THIS BLOKE OR I'LL BANG YOU UP!
Signed Mr Justice Twangs (Legal Judge Person)
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Maxx England
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 8:53pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Well m'dear, that will certainly win an award from The Campaign For Plain English; somewhat less majestic than In Animo Mihi Est, Iracundiae Meae Maximae Causa, Quemque Reum Absolvere De Crimine.
Now, if it's all right with you, I have to be off, windows to leer through, assignations to be made, this county won't repopulate itself you know. Tell me, how is your friend, Constantia these days? Or her sister?
Well, bye bye for now, I'll doubtless see you one side of the dock or the other.
O-E, PB w FE
The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?
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Nitro
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 10:05pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Dear Aunty Tito,
I have the terrible burden of having the body build of an Adonis and, according to my many..erm...'friends'...a face they can barely look away from.
While I appreciate the adoration of so many, it can be fatiguing. One only has so many hours in a day, after all.
My current lover cannot seem to get enough of me. The problem is, I sometimes am so fatigued from adoring myself I barely have time for his adoration. I slightly resent his distracting me from myself.
Kicking him in the balls does not seem to discourage him, nor does making sure he finds me in bed with others I might amuse myself with.
Is the problem him, or could it really be me? And if it is me, should I sue myself for emotional distress?
Yours ( to a degree ),
A beautiful, but quasi-tortured soul,
( aka Adonai )
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tito
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 10:21pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
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tito
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 10:21pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Maxx England said:
Well m'dear, that will certainly win an award from The Campaign For Plain English; somewhat less majestic than In Animo Mihi Est, Iracundiae Meae Maximae Causa, Quemque Reum Absolvere De Crimine.
Now, if it's all right with you, I have to be off, windows to leer through, assignations to be made, this county won't repopulate itself you know. Tell me, how is your friend, Constantia these days? Or her sister?
Well, bye bye for now, I'll doubtless see you one side of the dock or the other.
O-E, PB w FE
Tito says:
Dear O-E, PB w FE,
I'm up before the beak next Thursday on a shoplifting charge. If they don't lock me up (this time!) let's meet for coffee afterwards!
(I noted from the calendar that you are facing charges, of lurking in a raincoat, on Thursday yourself)
Yours Criminally
Aunty Tito
Remember! The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.
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tito
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Posted Thu Aug 27th, 2009 10:38pm Post subject: Ask Tito! All your problems solved!
Nitro said:
Dear Aunty Tito,
I have the terrible burden of having the body build of an Adonis and, according to my many..erm...'friends'...a face they can barely look away from.
While I appreciate the adoration of so many, it can be fatiguing. One only has so many hours in a day, after all.
My current lover cannot seem to get enough of me. The problem is, I sometimes am so fatigued from adoring myself I barely have time for his adoration. I slightly resent his distracting me from myself.
Kicking him in the balls does not seem to discourage him, nor does making sure he finds me in bed with others I might amuse myself with.
Is the problem him, or could it really be me? And if it is me, should I sue myself for emotional distress?
Yours ( to a degree ),
A beautiful, but quasi-tortured soul,
( aka Adonai )
Tito says:
Dear (to a degree), A beautiful, but quasi-tortured soul, (aka Adonai),
OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!
You are sooooooooo stunningly beautifully gorglosh (Sorry, I'm salivating at your fantabulous profile)
AND AS FOR THE REST OF YOU.....................................
You are like the statue of David! Only next to you, oh wondrous creature, he is as ugly as sin!
And you can kick me anywhere you damn well like big boy!
What a nose! And your luxurious hair! Why! It's as perfect as the most perfect nylon toupee ever created!
You are perfection in DNA........................
Hello. Sorry. This is Aunty Tito's secretary Blodwyn Spoils here.
Unfortunately she was overcome and I have had to sedate her again.
It's a good job I always carry my sledgehammer in my purse!
I'll throw some water in her face in a bit. That should bring the silly cow....I mean my employer round.
If it doesn't work I'll get the water cannon onto her. If it doesn't wake her up it'll be a laugh watching her inert form slither all over the living room carpet! (She only pays the minimum wage).
Best wishes Blodwyn Spoils.
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