Topic RSS | Reply to topic
Author Post

paul harris


Member

Posted Wed Dec 12th, 2007 6:07pm Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
Show me yours if I show you mine........

exercise 12 of the ode less......

i've edited this post with the latest, hopefully improved, version of my attempt.....

The Ballad of Danny Wise

Now gather round and let me tell
The tale of Danny Wise
And how his sweet wife Annabelle
Did suck out both his eyes

And if I tell the story true
And if I tell it clear
Then not a mortal one of you
Won’t shriek in mortal fear

Dear Annabelle and Danny met
All in the month of June
As lovers true are bound to do
He promised her the moon

The moon is not an easy prize
To win much less to give
Its silver face shone in his eyes
And Annabelle was his

It waxed there in his eyes of blue
Its beauty held her so
Night followed night and still it grew
The prize she’d come to know

It grew big as a goose’s egg
Round, perfect, silvery
Then Annabelle began to beg
“present your prize to me”

“I cannot reach the moon he said
And it’s not mine to take”
“I’ll have the eyes all in your head
your promise you did break”

“Don’t doubt my love for it is true
No metaphoric moon
A poet’s promise made to you
All on that night in June”

Your dowry of words offends me!
It will not shoe my feet
Or warm me when nights are wintry
Nor give me food to eat

Night came, the moon began to wane
All in our Danny’s eyes
While Annabelle felt bitter pain
The cause: her true love’s lies

Next night the moon grew smaller still
Why and where did it go?
Has he another’s heart to thrill?
Annabelle vowed to know

If he was stealing away her moon
By cover of the night
To make another young girl swoon
Then she was in the right

“If I can’t have the moon” she said
“No one shall claim my prize”
She clamped her mouth all on his head
And sucked out both his eyes

Now Annabelle is far away
It seems she claimed her prize
True love is blind or so they say
Words indeed to the Wise.

Back to top

Cherubino


Member

Posted Tue Jan 1st, 2008 11:42am Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
Here's my meagre attempt at Ode-arizing The Tale of Danny Wise. I really enjoyed the journey of your tale very much.

Now gather round and let me tell
The tale of Danny Wise
And how his sweet wife Anabell
Did suck out both his eyes

And if I tell the story true
And if I tell it clear
There's not a mortal one of you
Who'll shriek in mortal fear

One august morn in Liverpool
A woman sweet and fair
Was tending to her garden pool
Amid the humid air

With long black hair and sterling eyes
Our Anabell was sweet
She loved the world, except the flies,
That swamped her at her feet

As Danny Wise approached her zone
And tapped her on her head
Said, "Darling leave the flies alone!"
She wanted Danny dead

And Dan could see that in her eyes
Was rage and hateful scorn
He sought to seek a compromise
And said to her forlorn

'Be there a thing you need my love?'
He asked with prayer in hand
'Get me a drink with straws my love!'
His hairs how they did stand

Now as he went, young Danny Wise
To get his wife a drink
He didn't see her truthful prize
He didn't stop to think

And but to ask her, 'Why a straw?'
He'd be alive today
He wouldn't star within this lore
Nor turned a stolid grey

Returning to sweet Anabell
And giving her her glass
Then on her eyes began to dwell
How stupid was this ass

And drawing near and close they came
And out again they went
They then proceed to do the same
Until their bordom's spent

And just before they almost kiss
She pokes him in the eye
When Danny thought that they did miss
She sucked the bugger dry

Now what you've heard, it is the truth
And nothing more be said
Because I have a solid proof
The body of the dead

All grey and ghastly, Danny Wise,
Upon the metal slab
Stares into space without his eyes
And such unsightly flab

The shocking thing that I will tell
I'm sure you all agree
No links of crime to Anabell
That bitch got off scott free

Back to top

paul harris


Member

Posted Tue Jan 1st, 2008 12:27pm Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
Thanks for the reply ....... I liked yours very much...
I thought the straws might just take the vitreous and aqueous humors but no! - it was more than that - the bugger was sucked dry ... lovely

is it habit forming? is she on the look out for more eyeballs?

here's mine without the spelling mistakes.....

The Ballad of Danny Wise

Now gather round and let me tell
The tale of Danny Wise
And how his sweet wife Annabelle
Did suck out both his eyes

And if I tell the story true
And if I tell it clear
Then not a mortal one of you
Won’t shriek in mortal fear

Dear Annabelle and Danny met
All in the month of June
As lovers true are bound to do
He promised her the moon

The moon is not an easy prize
To win much less to give
Its silver face shone in his eyes
And Annabelle was his

It waxed there in his eyes of blue
Its beauty held her so
Night followed night and still it grew
The prize she’d come to know

It grew big as a goose’s egg
Round, perfect, silvery
Then Annabelle began to beg
“present your prize to me”

“I cannot reach the moon he said
And it’s not mine to take”
“I’ll have the eyes all in your head
your promise you did break”

“Don’t doubt my love for it is true
No metaphoric moon
A poet’s promise made to you
All on that night in June”

Your dowry of words offends me!
It will not shoe my feet
Warm me when nights are wintry
Nor give me food to eat


Night came, the moon began to wane
All in our Danny’s eyes
While Annabelle felt bitter pain
The cause: her true love’s lies

Next night the moon grew smaller still
Why and where did it go?
Has he another’s heart to thrill?
Annabelle vowed to know

If he was stealing away her moon
By cover of the night
To make another young girl swoon
Then she was in the right

“If I can’t have the moon” she said
“No one shall claim my prize”
She clamped her mouth all on his head
And sucked out both his eyes

Now Annabelle is far away
It seems she claimed her prize
True love is blind or so they say
Words indeed to the Wise.

Back to top

spiralthreads


Member

Posted Fri Jan 18th, 2008 4:51pm Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
So, bearing in mind I'm not up to ballads yet and my book is elsewhere, is this a traditional love story, something from the book, or something you concocted?

A few ideas are beginning to percolate..........

Help the Rage group raise £100,000 for Shelter by pledging £2 - here or donate direct here

Back to top

paul harris


Member

Posted Fri Jan 18th, 2008 6:59pm Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
the fist two verses are Stephen's you have to finish the tale in a ballad stylee

I just wanted to see how others resolved the eye sucking ..

two motives and two motifs so far . . . .

good luck :o)

Back to top

spiralthreads


Member

Posted Fri Jan 18th, 2008 11:14pm Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
Ok, I just need to learn how to write a ballad and I'm away - sucking out eyes? I have a much easier method in mind (sounds of evil laughter). Watch this space.

Help the Rage group raise £100,000 for Shelter by pledging £2 - here or donate direct here

Back to top

paul harris


Member

Posted Sat Jan 19th, 2008 1:17am Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
the eyes have to stay sucked as it's part of Stephen's set up
i'm sure you'll soon get in the swing of the thing

Back to top

spiralthreads


Member

Posted Sat Jan 19th, 2008 1:27am Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
The Ballad of Danny Wise

Now gather round and let me tell
The tale of Danny Wise:
And how his sweet wife Annabelle
Did suck out both his eyes.

And if I tell the story true
And if I tell it clear
Then not a mortal one of you
Won’t shriek in mortal fear.

Now Annabelle, a simple soul,
Did love her Danny so
And went to see a gypsy girl,
His fortune for to know.

She crossed the gypsy’s palm with brass,
For silver had she none;
Not knowing what would come to pass
Because of what she’d done.

The angry gypsy hid her ire
’Neath smiles and honeyed sighs.
Revenge was now her one desire
Against young Annabelle Wise.

“Sweet lady, it is clear to me
You love your husband true
And such a trusting soul you be
I’ll tell you what you must do.

Your Danny has a wandering eye,”
She warned poor Annabelle,
“And if this is not rectified
He’ll surely go to hell.”

Alarmed, the poor bride hurried home,
Her heart filled with dismay.
She must not let her Danny roam.
She had to find a way!

The fear of their love sundering
Did set the maid to think.
His eyes could not go wandering
If they were not able to blink.

To help her think, she cleaned the house
From bottom to the top;
And not until her Dan came home
Did Anna think to stop.

She held the hoover like a mace
When he walked in, surprised,
She pushed it up against his face
And sucked out both his eyes.

To keep his eyes for her alone,
To save him from himself,
She placed them in a pickle jar
Upon the pantry shelf.

So now you know the dreadful tale
Of poor young Danny Wise
And how his sweet wife Annabelle
Did suck out both his eyes.

Now Annabelle is all alone
For Danny left soon after,
And as he stumbled out of town
She heard the gypsy’s laughter.

“Tight fisted girl,” the gypsy cried,
“I’ll teach you not to short change me.
He did not roam, you see, I lied!
And now I have revenged me.”

But that was not the final word
The young wife was not done
She gripped her vacuum like a sword
And stole the gypsy’s tongue.

Help the Rage group raise £100,000 for Shelter by pledging £2 - here or donate direct here

Back to top

spiralthreads


Member

Posted Sat Jan 19th, 2008 1:30am Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
Isn't it funny how all the faults glow like fireflies as soon as a piece is posted

Help the Rage group raise £100,000 for Shelter by pledging £2 - here or donate direct here

Back to top

paul harris


Member

Posted Sat Jan 19th, 2008 1:46am Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
pretty groovy
I'd like a verse about how the eye/hoover thing actually happened . . .

ballads usually cross rhyme: lines 1,3 and 2,4 ... like stephen's first two - i'm sure you'll see that when you get to that bit in the book..

it's habit forming too

Back to top

spiralthreads


Member

Posted Sat Jan 19th, 2008 11:39am Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
Yes, I realised the rhyme errors after posting. There are some other problems with it, apart from the secretive suction question, but we have to start somewhere, don't we. It will be resolved, hopefully on the second draft. You actually got it freshly picked, errors and all. I'll leave it now until I get to the relevant chapter as I'm supposed to be working on a novel.

Your ballad, by the way, was nicely stomach churning, but there's still a proofing error in there .

Help the Rage group raise £100,000 for Shelter by pledging £2 - here or donate direct here

Back to top

paul harris


Member

Posted Sat Jan 19th, 2008 11:45am Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
do tell

Back to top

spiralthreads


Member

Posted Sat Jan 19th, 2008 2:23pm Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
"But it silver face shone in his eyes "

Incidentally, I loved the beautiful imagery of the moon in his eyes - very visual.

Cherubino's Annabelle was quite scary, wasn't she. Good bounce to the meter too.

I realised today that I've actually written a bona fide ballad before. It was something I constructed for my daughter when she was small. Fancy that - I thought it was just a nursery type rhyme.

Help the Rage group raise £100,000 for Shelter by pledging £2 - here or donate direct here

Back to top

paul harris


Member

Posted Sat Jan 19th, 2008 4:03pm Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
it sort of gets in yr head that bounce
i've tidied up mine in terms of meter

the exercises are very good - i hope you enjoy them
& good luck with yr novel too X-D

Back to top

spiralthreads


Member

Posted Sat Jan 19th, 2008 10:18pm Post subject: Ballads of danny wise
Thank you Paul and good luck to you too.

Help the Rage group raise £100,000 for Shelter by pledging £2 - here or donate direct here

Back to top