last fall, around this time of year, i started going to a counselor for depression and "bedroom problems" in the hope of fixing my relationship. my partner ended up leaving me, and after my partner left my counselor said that she "saw this coming", and then started touching me in ways i didn't like.
let me say, it wasn't abuse or anything like that. that's not what i mean. but i already had problems with being touched, that's why i went. i stopped going to appointments. she acted emotional when i cancelled and it made me uncomfortable. a friend i talked to who is a social worker said that it seemed obvious this woman had some unhealthy attachment or ideas that aren't part of a dr/patient relationship. i just knew i couldn't be there anymore. (a lot of difficult times came after that... let's skip them...)
anyways... the time of year reminds me that it's been a WHOLE YEAR. and i don't even like it when a friend rubs my back. the only time i went to a counselor after this there were cameras in the room, otherwise i wouldn't have gone. and anytime someone tries to get close to me, i want to say "i'm sorry, but i'm not capable of whatever it is your thinking, you should just let me burn up alone." i feel very lonely and alone, like i am at the bottom of the ocean.
do i have a question?
not really. i should think of one, though, maybe it will help me feel better to focus on something in particular. all i know is i've been thinking about it a lot, it hurts, i feel worthless, and i'm terrified of those little rooms that counselors use. oh, and the counselors.
it's sweet. 
