The lady is right! When retired teacher Bente Christensen writes in a recent newspaper article that It’s Men That Are the Problem she’s only saying what everyone ought to both admit and discuss openly and seriously. The problems of wars, terrorism, fanatical religions, crime and knife fights in our discos are the result of male hormones, which all too many men seems to be poisoned by – or at least have no positive outlet for. Men between the ages of 16 and 30 gladly create 95% of the violence in the world. It is us men who steal cars and crash them (I humbly but seriously suggest that a 10 kilo concrete block be permanently molded around the right foot of all car thieves caught twice so that they cannot physically ever drive a car again! The public must be protected from the murderously thoughtless. And those found carrying folding knives in nightclubs should have them thrust up their fundaments.. closed of course.. I’m not a sadist! But by these modest suggestions you get a good idea of we men’s typically violent solutions to violent problems.)
As for other radical solutions, the anglo-Irish satirist Jonathan Swift of Gulliver’s fame once sarcastically suggested that the starving Irish eat their children. He never meant it seriously but just wanted to shake people’s consciences in Britain. I, however, suggest with much greater seriousness that we men soon begin to be chemically castrated in large numbers. There are too many of us and our excess of aggression and frustrations will only increase with ever greater murder and misery to follow as the planet is ever more overcrowded and our natural resources depleted.
While in the old days, before technology, men fought wars against men on the battlefield. Losing tribes and nations were looted and/or carted off to slavery. Women were raped, but it was generally men who died in large numbers. But today war and murder have become more democratic. Thanks to technology, American, Israeli (..and soon Iranian?) pilots drop death from the skies, killing men, women and children in equal numbers – as do terrorists when they bomb market places. In the old days the numbers of men were kept down by constant skirmishes. Today we have too many men and therefore the ever growing danger of increasing terror and bloodshed. And it’s going to get worse, as the struggle for lebensraum and resources quickens.
In doubt? Statisticians tell us that there already hundreds of millions of more men than women in China and India and other parts of the east, as boy children are illogically considered more valuable to parents. By the year 2050 there may be as many as 300 million more men than women in the world, men without wives, men without sexual outlets or the civilizing contact with the opposite sex. Imagine the wars to come – the Sex Wars! Kidnapping, rape and forced prostitution in unimaginable numbers!
“Don’t worry,” some naïve souls may respond, “..we have the Internet.. the answer to everything. These excess men will watch porn and masturbate – problem solved!”
No, manual catharsis may help some men to behave less aggressively, but porn won’t be of much lasting help. Already men are turning in droves away from porn sites to poker channels, hypnotized increasingly by an even more dangerous form of self-delusion. (Apparently we men must have something in our hand – our joystick or a good poker hand in order to feel content.) Feminist Gloria Steinem remarked, “Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.”
Currently, Danes, the British, Germans and Americans are all asking themselves why locally raised young men of foreign descent can turn to ideological violence. But we seem to forget that violence begins in kindergarten! Observe any playground and you’ll see 5 year-olds, mainly boys behaving in ways that would put Auschwitz guards to shame! Children are not born innocent and become corrupted. The opposite is true. With luck we can become more civilized as we grow, but aggression and the lust for domination are part of our bodies and our programming, from birth.
Here in Denmark we forget that it is not only the sons of immigrants that are quick to aggression. My recently published novel, Nightmare on Elmegade, gives a Swiftian look at the other young men in this country who are eager to commit bloody acts, the more rabid of the autonomes, the steroid-addled rockers, the thuggish neo-nazis – all descendents of those looting and murdering vikings everyone here is so proud to be descended from!
While their ideologies differ, these bitter young Danish males are united by their excess of anti-social hormones. In other words they are young men without healthy outlets. And sports, masturbation, education, integration, incarceration will never be enough to pacify all these hormonally frenzied young beasts. Hormones cannot be fooled! And 2 or 3 percent of young men will always find an excuse for creative violence, whether they come together in groups like Bader-Meinhof, The Red Brigades, Ku Klux Klan or Al Queda. Sports clubs, kindly father figures, healthy activities no doubt save many boys from acting out their violent tendencies – but there will always be 2 or 3 percent who shun any form of help and aim specifically at passing their misery along to other innocent souls. And with today’s technologies 2 or 3 percent is enough to make this world a tragic place to live. Fundamentalist Islamic terror will eventually disappear for the same reasons Red Brigade and Bader-Meinhof type terror disappeared – because they are no longer “in”. Young brutes, having little patience, will always tire of one excuse for mayhem and move on to a fashionably new but equally deadly excuse.
Yes, when we men spread such misery in the world, it would seem to be a good idea to eliminate us altogether. But before going that far, let’s examine what we men are good for – and in some cases what we’re vital for.
Let’s start big. As men love the big and the grandiose let’s admit that women, if deciding everything, would be slow to build Metros, bridges, motorways, locomotives, big dirty dangerous potentially economically ruinous projects. Capitalism is based on risk with other people’s money. Women are far more reluctant to gamble, as the above poker example proves.
Women fear failure, scandal, pollution, waste, dishonor more than men. A female Brixtofte is a nearly unthinkable creature. (Ritt’s one night’s aberration at the Ritz amounted to a millionth of Peter’s squandering of tax payers’ money.) While many men relish risk-taking, few women are able to ignore the possibly unfortunate side effects of immodest behavior. Women, as we all know, are generally better human beings than men. Women are better at sharing, better at caring for the old and the ill. Women often feel guilty over things they haven’t done, and indeed feel pride in their guiltly consciences – while we men are all too often unnoticing and indifferent to the misery we spread.
But if we are to either eliminate the number of - or the influence of men in our daily lives, in politics, in economics, in war, we must understand and prepare for the consequences. While it is too much to suggest that if women alone controlled the world we’d all be living in tidy little cottages, drawing our water from crystal clear streams – that nasty dangerous electricity never would have been invented - there is some reason to believe that it is men’s aggressiveness, our relative lack of fear or sense of personal responsibility that has promoted progress in the fields of science, construction, transportation, agriculture and more. Women do not, in large numbers seem to enjoy felling trees, building monster dams that displace thousands - or constructing large inhuman factories that spew out locomotives or container ships. These things we men do because we have the balls to do them.
So play with our balls with care, with precision. Already science tells us male fertility is falling dramatically. Good thing or bad? Probably both. But as it’s involuntary it may be a sign of something going terribly wrong with the environment – and not just mother(!) nature wisely trying to cut down on the numbers of idiots pacing the planet.
Personally I’ve always wondered why nature has arranged it so that there are about 50-50 when it comes to the ration of men to women. Why are so many men needed when it would take relatively few to impregnate relatively many women.. which we would only be too happy to do? I once asked an Arab why they were allowed four wives. He laughed and said it was not for sexual reasons. He explained, “When you have more than one wife, they fight with each other and not you! They actually compete to be the favored wife by trying to be the most pleasant!”
But as we all know most women are not happy with polygamy. They want a man of their own to focus on making unhappy. Sharing one would mean that an individual woman’s desire for expressing all her dissatisfaction (admittedly justified) would never be fully heard amid the grumbling of other wives’ voices. Complaints unheard are complaints diluted. As Jenny Weber, a wise woman once said, “If a man is talking in a forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?”
No, cutting down on the misery caused by men by cutting down on the number of men would have too many negative and possibly disastrous side effects. The fewer men left would be viewed with increased interest and importance by women, making us even more egotistical and irresponsible. And women would probably behave with even more disloyalty to each other than they do today if men were scarce and therefore a sign of status and luxury.
All that is left to us is a form, not of chemical castration, but of chemical limitation. If our clever scientists can come up with something like an opposite viagra, let’s call it letharga, which will diminish men’s antisocial behavior, a drug which can be added to the drinking water – then we may all - men and women – have an increased chance for survival.
This is not a crazy idea. Many years ago I read of two large Texas cities, cities similar in size and economic structure. Yet one had three times the crime and incidents of violence. Statisticians were puzzled until scientists noticed that the violent city had abnormally little lithium in the ground water, while the more passive city’s water was rich with it. And as many know, lithium is given to some mental patients to quiet their violent tendencies.
Perhaps one day, along with Jack Daniels and tequila shots we’ll be able to order drinks laced with lithium or something like it, so that knife fights in bars will be a thing of the past – as well as thugs like George Bush and Osama Bin Ladin.
If human beings are going to survive long into the future, we must change our bodies so that our brains are smarter, our bodies are smaller, and our testicles are better batteries and far more positive sources of energy and optimism. We can’t survive much longer with these little terrorists in our trousers!
Finally, the reader may ask, why am I willing to offer traitorous suggestions for emasculating my own sex?
"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example." Duc de La Rochefoucauld 1616-80