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SymptomlessComa


Member

Posted Thu Nov 3rd, 2011 8:04pm Post subject: Change in Meds/ Feeling Low

Hello all,

I hope everyone is as well as can be expected. Firstly, for everyone who knew/knows of Katy-Sara - I am really sorry to hear that news. She was one of the first people to talk to me when I came here, so sorry that I don't have her around to be an online buddy anymore.

Not posted in a long time, but going through a really rough patch at the moment, so thought I might drop by and try and get some positive energy back.

At the moment I am just feeling particularly awful about things I've done in the past, mostly when I've been having an "Episode". Not even sure whether to refer to them as being manic anymore. Supposedly I'm only BP2, so seems a cheat to say I lose contact with reality when theoretically I can't... or can I? I don't even know anymore.

At the moment every loud noise makes me shiver as I am convinced that it's someone or something out to get me. I keep seeing the usual shadowy little "monsters" that follow me and every voice that I have to hear just tells me how much of a cunt I am. I feel so bad for things I've done when I've been like that. I know people say that they feel bad, but I mean I *feel* it, you know? It's even on a cellular level - in my blood, I feel it, like a darkness that's full, but only full of emptiness. I can't even begin to describe how bad I feel right now.

I'm scared I'm going to lose my job - or quit. I'm scared that I'll be branded the next big serial killer or something and that I'll be locked away in some dungeon and if somehow I am able to get out then it'll only be for long enough for someone to catch me and beat me to the painful death I deserve for being such a waste. Worse than that the guilt and anxiety. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I deserve to be locked away forever, never to be let out. A danger to myself and everyone else. That's another bad thing right now, feeling like I don't trust myself and having to repeat in my head "You're a good person, not a monster..." over and over in the hope it means something. It doesn't. I hate the part after feeling so good that you stop trusting yourself because you never know what you're going to do next.

I find I'm just repeating song lines in my head that keep me down:

"Under a blackened sky, far beyond the glaring street-lights the vultures lie in wait..."

It's a broken record that won't stop playing.

Sorry if I'm bringing everyone down, it's just right now I feel that I want to die. Not even kill myself. Not even that, but just not being alive anymore. Just not existing. Which is another issue I have right now. Feeling like I am never sure whether I exist or if everything around me does. I sometimes have to touch things or hold on to myself just to remind me they're there.

I must be such a bitter disappointment to everyone I have ever met, even those I haven't.

I don't know what to do with my life and how to make everything better and undo all the bad I feel I have done.

Maybe a change in meds will help? My Dr's are reducing the Depakote that I take and are looking to get me off that altogether but instead they're increasing my Seroquel and putting me on Seroquel XL. Any ideas why anyone?

Anyway, that's my misery done for right now. If anyone has any advice or anything, please help.
Andy

"I'm too exhausting to be loved. A volatile chemical, best to quarantine and cut off..." - Tapes, Alanis Morissette

"I'm feeling so bad and so good I don't know what to do..." - The Vicodin Song, Terra Naomi

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Vengeful_Fred


Member

Posted Sat Nov 12th, 2011 2:32am Post subject: Change in Meds/ Feeling Low

Hello symptomlesscoma. sorry to hear about your troubles and despair. I am afraid I don't know anything about the meds you are on, though I used to take effexor an anti-depressant that at a lower dose worked well for me when I was diagnosed as clinicly depressed as a teenager. These days, I attempted to start taking it again, at a higher dose than when i was younger. It did have nasty side effects this time, mostly intense nausea and lack of appetite. previous symptoms whilst on the lower dose were less severe, and mostly brief feelings of vertigo. if you haven't tried that one, you can ask your dr about it.

I too have done things while in the grips of mania that I felt really ashamed about. I was a complete paranoid mess thinking family members were out to hurt me physically and psychologically. I even started sleeping with an exacto knife under my pillow, fully intending to use it should someone break into my room and wake me up with hostility.

All those feelings passed once I was put on the right medication. I had to work through some of the embarrassment I felt but it was easier to do that once the paranoia and intense depression subsided. I was put on an anti-seizure mood stablizer, and a tranqulizer for nighttime that did the trick for me. I doubt you deserve to live in this despair. You should really talk to a medical professional about how you are feeling. Maybe there is a chemical reason in the brain for this to be happening, rather than just purely psychological reasons. You have the right to feel healthy.


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