NUT FREE NUT TREES
The recent spate of gardening programmes will have inspired many of us to make improvements to our outside space. Tempting though it is, try to avoid exotic plants which generally don’t fare well in our climate. A case in hand is that of the little nut tree. These diminutive legume producing shrubs rarely give rise to a glut of nuts. More common is the appearance of a silver nutmeg and a golden pear.
Garden centres are not obliged to refund your money. Moreover, owners of trees of this type are subjected to visits (often unannounced) from the King of Spain’s daughter.
HOT CROSS BUNS PRICE FIXING SCANDAL
Christians are being tricked and left confused about the recommended retail price of their favourite symbolic Easter treat. Hot Cross Buns are commonly advertised as being one a penny, two a penny. This can’t be right. If you can buy two for a penny then one should be only cost a ha’penny. A pieman, who we interviewed on the way to a fayre, said, “My pies are a penny each which represents better value than one or even two Hot Cross Buns.” To find out if the pieman’s claims are true we sent intrepid reporter Simon (who is a bit thick) to purchase one. Unfortunately Simon, on account of being thick, was unable to produce the necessary funds when required to do so.
THE WATER BOARD, THE ARMY AND THE NHS MAKE MAN’S LIFE A MISERY
A man and his wife, Jill, intend to take the Water Board, The Army and the NHS to court following what he sees as atrocious behaviour from all three. The man and his wife, Jill, are required to make daily trips to a well for their water. The well is inconveniently placed at the top of hill on which army manoeuvres frequently take place. Says, Jack, husband of Jill, “ There is usually a ten thousand strong army going up and down the hill. This is, of course, dangerous and inconvenient. We find that most times when they are up the hill, they are up, and when they are down the hill, they are, of course, down. The most infuriating times occur when they are only half way up, because then they are neither up nor down.” It was during one of these hiatuses that an accident occurred to both myself and my wife, Jill. We had just gone up the hill to get a pail of water when I fell down and broke my crown, my wife, Jill, came tumbling after. I complained to the officer in charge, a rather grand old man of noble bearing, but could not receive any understanding. Both myself and my wife, Jill, made our way to the local hospital and after waiting for over four hours we were fobbed off with a concoction of vinegar and brown paper to mend our heads. We have received no apology from either the water board, army officer or the hospital. We are out of water and are dreading our trip to the well tomorrow.
MAN RELENTLESSLY PURSUED BY BELLS
Waking to the sound of church bells may not be as relaxing and peaceful as it seems. A frustrated reader comments;
I moved to London recently and bought a comfortable apartment near St Clements Church. I was woken abruptly one Sunday morning by the bells which were constantly ringing on about two kinds of citrus fruit. I tolerated this for a few weeks but eventually the strain got to me and I had to move house. I settled near St Martins-in-the-Field Church when one Sunday morning I was woken abruptly by the bells informing me that I owe them three farthings. This is absurd as I have never owed anybody money at any time, especially not money that is no longer legal tender. I tolerated this for a few weeks but felt, once more, that I had to move on. I found a pleasant bijou residence near the Old Bailey. I was woken abruptly one Sunday morning by the bells asking me to give a payment date for the three farthings that I assure I do not owe. I moved to a bungalow in Shoreditch only to be woken abruptly one Sunday morning by the bells informing that they will pay the outstanding amount of three farthings when they are in funds. I can no longer leave the house. Is this campanology gone mad?
Wanted – Domestic Staff.
Single gentleman is looking for experienced staff to work in his home. He requires One or two to buckle his shoe; three or four to knock at the door; five or six to pick up sticks, seven or eight to close the gate and nine or ten to tend his large obese rooster. Please send photo.
A bigamist, reported to have no less that seven wives, accosted a walker who was on route to St Ives. The bigamist’s wives had produced several sons each causing the walker to attempt to solve a trick mathematical problem. “It was really weird, but I have no witnesses to the incident as I was the only one going to St Ives.”
A PIG OF A PROBLEM
Q. I run a smallholding in which I keep, amongst other livestock, five pigs. However I’m finding them difficult to control. Despite recently installed electric fencing two of them managed to escape. One of them, the most adventurous, broke loose the other day and was discovered at the local market. His brother, however, stayed at home. Added to this is the worry of the pig’s diet; is it usual for one pig to eat roast beef while another (from the same litter) has none? The most worrying this is that the fifth pig (also an escapologist) cries constantly when brought home from one of his jaunts. What can I do?
A. The best thing would be to get rid of two of the pigs and buy yourself a wolf. Make sure that is a non-smoker with a larger than average lung capacity. The remaining three pigs will soon leave home.
Q. But where will they live?
A. Don’t worry. One in three pigs is perfectly capable of constructing a safe and solid shelter out of durable building materials.
Q. But what about the two other pigs?
A. Unfortunately statistics show that these two pigs (I’m guessing they will be impatient by nature) are unlikely to be able to fend for themselves for long. Although they may well assemble living quarters in record time the build quality will be poor.
Q. Why couldn’t they live with their brother? The one who is capable of constructing a safe and solid shelter out of durable building materials.
A. Don’t rush things. Allow the two impatient pigs to make their own mistakes before letting them move in with their brother.
Q. Will their brother mind them moving in with him?
A. Initially he’ll have reservations, particularly if his two impatient brothers had taken the Mickey out of him for his meticulous approach to building work. Eventually loneliness will dictate that he welcomes them.
Q. What about the wolf you suggested I purchase?
A. Well he will be responsible for destroying the first two pigs homes. It is highly probably that he’ll track the pig’s down to their brother’s sturdy abode. However, even a wolf with extraordinary blowing powers will find it difficult to demolish such a well-built property.
Q. That’s a relief. But aren’t the pigs going to become hermits...too afraid to leave the house because of the rampaging wolf?
A. Try to encourage the pigs to lure the wolf down the chimney and into a large pot of boiling water. It’s simple and very effective way of eliminating the threat to your pigs.
Q. Thank you so much for all your help. One last question, what will happen to the two pigs that I got rid of in the first place?
A. I haven’t a clue. I am only au fait with three of five pig scenarios. Other porcine groups baffle me.