I have a wonderful group of friends who see past the issues I sometimes display and who offer tremendous support, camaraderie and advice and accept the same from me.
I have never understood why I have friends or why people will go out of their way to help me and have always put it down to them being nice people. I will do anything for the people I care for even at the detriment of myself and have wonderful references from bosses and managers and have been very fortunate in my life.
I have a good job and am regarded highly within the circles of my profession. I am respected by colleagues and clients and part of me believes I do a good job.
I also see in myself a horrible, miserable, moody, sharp, curt, evil, selfish, ugly human being who is worth nothing. Not worth your reading this message or even clicking the link to the thread. I see myself as a waste of space and air and will often think about what death would be like; how much better the world would be without me.
I spent yesterday on cloud nine following a very successful morning in difficult circumstances and ended my day sat right here ( as I do too often) reading websites and getting annoyed at news stories, threads on message boards, so trivial I could scream, and at my inward agitation and energy combined.
I was not actually reading what I was looking at: I was skimming and reorganising words and phrases inside my head into weird and wonderful (sic) orders and coming up with scenarios that obviously did not really exist.
The online world is faceless, emotionless and often contrived – like this message must seem.
People are your friend but not really.
Some people really do feel like friends and I have many people online that I consider my friends, would love to meet and miss when they are not around.
I hate it when people are nice for the sake of nice which is what I think might have caused me to be extra nasty in my posts recently. I am not saying the thread I posted on was one of those but we tread on egg shells when we think we should, when sometimes it is best not to post at all.
People often do not say what they mean unless it is in defence and when we do say what we mean -when it is opposing another, it is often taken badly. Emotion doesn’t come across well, or it comes across too strong. Anger is always communicated well but compassion not so.
Last night I posted some things that I truly believed to be true but which were obviously misguided and hurtful. For this I would like to apologise to Red Raven and I truly hope I have not been the cause of someone leaving an online community.
I will be the one to retreat and leave space for more civil conversation and debate – this is only fair.
I do not expect or desire any replies to this thread and will not be looking back to check anyway.
If there is anyone who would like to remain in contact with me then PMs will get to me via email notifications – that is, assuming I am still on the member list – and we can exchange email addresses.
I do not want sympathy or forgiveness. I am not worthy of that but I do hope that apologies can be accepted especially by Raven and Tracy, Banjo and Saturn and others whom I have a lot of respect for.
I believe we often think along the same lines and am sorry I have let you all down.
I’ve let myself down but have done this all my life. Some of us are born wasters and will continue to be until we are freed from this.
I realise that there are many of you on this site going through an awful lot more than I ever have or ever will and for this reason I feel even more ashamed. I genuinely hope things work out for the best for you all as depression and MD have the potential to destroy lives, friendships and parts of communities – as I’ve managed to do this weekend.
Please do not waste your precious time and energy berating me – I will not see it – but please use it to continue your talents, your caring natures and humour that has made this site what it is. (in the main)
Again I am sorry.
