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gadgetgirl


Member

Posted Thu May 26th, 2011 4:34pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear 17 year old self,

I know you are feeling incredibly confused and depressed right now. A lot of things do not make sense to you and seem to contradict one another. Sometimes you are attracted to men and sometimes you are attracted to women. The only thing you are sure of is that you like dressing like a man. The bullies at school are not making this any easier and you keep trying to pretend these things are not true about yourself. But it is okay to feel this way, and I promise that life will not always be this hard.

When you are a bit older you'll have a fairly awful relationship with a woman that will just not work out. This is not a rejection of the gay part of yourself, it's simply that this person was not right for you. You do not need to pretend it never happened. After this you will meet a wonderful man who you will want to spend the rest of your life with. This doesn't mean that you are now completely straight either - it simply means that the individual you love happens to be male. You do not have to worry that you should be strictly one side of the fence or the other. It doesn't matter that you watch Xena and have a secret wee crush on Lucy Lawless or that you watch Dr Who and have a secret wee crush on David Tennant. You can do both of these things and be a complete person, you are not splintered apart.

Please try to accept these things and enjoy being a many faceted person. Embrace your duality and don't obsess over labels and logic. Trying to switch your feelings off will leave you depressed, suicidal and in need of help. But you will be married to a wonderful person who will understand when you tell him because he loves you, not some strict sexuality construct. You'll find a fantastic gay friend who will help teach you that's okay to just be yourself.

Things will be hard for you, and it's true that some bits of society will never understand, but always hang in there and be true to yourself.

much love from your 37 year old self
PS it's okay to feel the need to come out of the closet even though you are in a heterosexual relationship.

That would be me.

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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Fri May 27th, 2011 1:55am Post subject: Dear...

Dear GG-

You and your facets are pretty freakin' amazing. Never change.

My Turn To Be In Admiration,
TM

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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michael


Member

Posted Sun May 29th, 2011 9:48pm Post subject: Dear...

Ditto the TM!!

Dear Tornadoes,

Well, what can I say?

I wish I could just tell you all to get lost and never come back.

Yet at the same time, I want to say "thanks" for stopping right before you got to our house.

Whatever,

michael

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Sun May 29th, 2011 11:42pm Post subject: Dear...

Ditto the michael!!!

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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Nitro


Member

Posted Mon May 30th, 2011 3:12pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear new plant,

I will try to take care of you. You were offered as a gift from someone who really knows how to build a garden and his gesture to me was sweet and humbling. I know his hope is that I will somehow now turn into a plant caretaker too in some way. I didn't have the heart to remind him, as he has seen, that I can kill a cactus.

You're a night bloomer he says and produce a big, white, fragrant flower that, if you make it, I'm sure will be a wonderful thing to experience. I do want you to have the chance to make it and I will try.

But you should know what you're getting into here. My relationships with houseplants have a very, very poor history. There's no part of me that's ever wanted to BE a caretaker of a houseplant and so I've never pursued it. I don't buy plants mostly because I prefer them in the wild, even when I see meticulously designed and built gardens such as my friends. I pursue other interests and am busy with other things. Time is so nebulous and odd and I've never mastered it enough to be everything to everything. Maybe one day.

He told me what to do and how to do it and I will. I'll give you all the chance I can, because I owe at least that to my friend who thought enough of me to bother sending us home together, and you are a living thing and I feel I owe it to you as well. Why, before you were even a seedling there was someone who thought so much of you to get you to your present height of four inches. And then they sent you to a new place with other plants in hopes that some of us bald monkeys would see your value as well. And one did and brought you to his delightfuly back yard to give you a new home. Alas, he also made another decision and here you and I are.

Now, my dog will probably pee on you. Please don't take that personally. I'll try to keep him abreast of your worth and meaning, but he has a nature all his own and it can only be his nature and be controlled so much and him still be healthy and happy too. Frankly, he runs my nature more than I do his, so there you go. Perhaps you do have a chance after all. So I will dilute this canine rain shower with far more frequent drinks of some of the best, fresh water around here for many, many miles.

And my friend will see you on occasion and will either step in to help you out or chastise me enough to wake me to your existence again. I write. A lot. That tends to keep my mind in a space that's rather far away from other things. While my dog has learned to physically insert himself between me and the keyboard, you cannot do this. That is part of what worries me for you. So, you will need to be a little stronger in my household than you would've in his. And more independent because unlike his house, I have no kept plants. But your place will be very, very close to wild plants. I hope the forests and such will be good friends to you during the times I have been forgetful.

So, good luck plant and hang in there. The note on my door will, hopefully too, help give you a fighting chance.

Sincere regards,
Nitro, aka President, Houseplant Killers Anonymous

Really? Wow.

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Nitro


Member

Posted Mon May 30th, 2011 3:14pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear michael,

Thank you for creating some of the best threads this forum has ever known.

Love,
Nitro

P.S. How would you feel about a new plant?

Really? Wow.

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Clive


Member

Posted Thu Jun 2nd, 2011 9:37pm Post subject: Dear...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1365952/.....caine.html

Dear Ms. Phillips,

Sadly I wasn't aware of this article until today and subsequently missed the opportunity to post this reply on the Daily Mail website.

However, I just wanted to express whole-hearted agreement with your insightful and well-expressed article 'Sneering Stephen Fry and a very dumb confession about cocaine.' Aside from its poetic and innovative headline, the article spoke to me quite profoundly, for I myself have been affected by the loathsome trivialisation of hard drug use by respected celebrities.

Not so long ago I was a virtuous, clean-living young woman of sound morals and yet sounder health. Upon hearing of Mr. Fry's 15-year cocaine and crossword habit, however, I immediately went down to the corner of my street, found the nearest coke dealer and scored ten ounces. I then robbed the first passing old lady to reimburse myself and snorted all of my score off the top of her pillbox hat, using her credit card and a rolled-up ten pound note from her purse.

This might seem horrifying enough, but you may well gasp when I tell you that I then rounded the corner to the newsagents, bought the last twelve volumes of 'The Times Jumbo Crossword' (The Biggest and Best General Knowledge Crosswords), went back to my flat and completed the entire set in twenty minutes.

The entire incident took me back to the dark time just after I watched Kate Moss sidle down the catwalk smoking a cigarette. I recall that shortly afterwards I bought a pack of twenty Malbrough Lights, some black hot pants, black leather gloves and an Elizabethan-Inspired John Galliano top, constructed a catwalk in the centre of my living room and walked down it repeatedly, chain-smoking, until my lungs were wheezy and my ankles sore.

It would not be too harsh, I believe, to assert that celebrity influence has ruined my life. I used, you see, to be a five-foot-nine, state-school-educated, heterosexual woman. Since my unhealthy infatuation with Mr. Fry, I have gained five inches in height, grown a penis, turned gay and enrolled at my local public school. On several occasions I have procured a jar of petroleum jelly and asked the nearest prefect to bugger me.

Furthermore, as you so astutely observed in paragraph twenty-five, '...cocaine and other illegal drugs have a dramatic and harmful impact upon other people and society in general. This is because, crucially, they affect how users behave... They can also turn people into fruitcakes.'

No one was more astonished than I, let me tell you, when after my cocaine and crossword binge I found myself matured nicely in a baking paper-lined Christmas tin for three months, taken out, doused in brandy, set alight and then served with a light contreau and cream sauce. During my gibbering nights of lonely regret, each moment is replayed in vivid colour across the flickering screen of my memory.

The most hideous side-effect of all this, though, I'm sure you'll agree, is that I seem to have become the sort of person who writes letters to Daily Mail journalists.

My life lies in tatters.

Yours sincerely,

A Broken Youth

'Vote for E.L. Wisty, or invisible nudists will come along and smash you round the face.'

(E.L. Wisty)

My Attempt at Tumbling

Twitter: @CliveLive49

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gadgetgirl


Member

Posted Fri Jun 3rd, 2011 10:43pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear mercycroft,

Don't ever change

love, a cackling gg

That would be me.

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Nitro


Member

Posted Mon Jun 6th, 2011 2:15am Post subject: Dear...

Mercy me!!! Bravo, bravo, bravo...I've read a couple things here today that are going to keep me laughing for days. I 'love' it! ( the apostrophes around 'love' do not, by any means, minimize my generally intended feeling about what i am trying to say ).

Dear Deer,

Deer, thanks for dragging yourself and the other members of your group by my place today. I wish you understood English and weren't so skittish though because I might've liked to stare at you all a lot longer than I did. I hope that doesn't bother you. But there you all were turning your ears, nibbling, and swishing your tails, looking soft and graceful. How do you manage to look both 'cute' and 'pretty' at the same time? Still, I think you leave at just that perfect, magical moment before I start to realize how big and black your eyes are.

Thank you,
THAT Human

Really? Wow.

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Mandala


Inactive

Posted Mon Jun 6th, 2011 8:11am Post subject: Dear...

It's so nice to have something to read crossing the room on the way to bed. Especially something well-written and funny and corded off from the rest of the internet.

Nitro, you're American? I thought we _loved_ practically everything?

I love neon rain coats, peonies and cute boots, black turtle necks and floppy caps. Your post. Mercycroft's post. Dairy Queen dipped cones and conch shell golden ratios. Twinkies. Noel Coward plays. The lights across the river. The Big Gay ice cream truck. Who doesn't love the big gay ice cream truck? It's got rainbow sprinkles. You're welcome to your choice. Still your phobia to the L word is all kinds of cheek pinch material. I mean based upon your past history at my amusement, use it or puke.

Oh, avoid the plant.

Dear Nighttime,

Why do you wake me? Why?

Sigh.


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Clive


Member

Posted Mon Jun 6th, 2011 5:21pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear gadgetgirl,

You are very sweet - hugs to you and your seventeen-year-old self!

Dear Nitro,

Thank you - and your Deer letter puts Helen Mirren in 'The Queen' to shame!

Dear Mandala,

Thank you - and I love peonies too.

....

Dear Girl I Thought Liked Me,

When I first saw you, my Darling, you were singing kareoke in a gay bar. It was Enrique Iglesias. I forgave this. You also had a mokawk haircut. I welcomed this. I asked if I might buy you a drink. You turned me down. I brushed this off.

Later on, at a house party, you sat very close to me on a sofa and asked for my number.

The following week you texted me at 3AM in the morning to tell me that you liked me, and I replied reciprocatively.

The following morning at 3AM you texted me to let me know that you were lost in a forest. This puzzled me to hell. You texted me an hour later, however, to say you'd found your way out, and I was relieved on your behalf.

The following morning at 3AM you texted me to tell me that you thought I was beautiful, and that you missed me. This puzzled me further into the depths of hell, as we'd only met once. Still, it seemed churlish not to reply reciprocatively.

The following morning, I woke automatically at 3AM, my body-clock having adjusted. Your text came, telling me that you were cooking a Sunday dinner. This rose in me suspicions of insanity, as it was Friday.

The following morning, I texted *you* at 3AM to ask if you'd like to meet me for a drink. And partly, if I am honest, to see how *you* liked it.

You stopped texting entirely, and haven't texted me since.

I can only surmise that you are lost in the middle of a forest cooking a Sunday dinner. Perhaps we aren't meant for each other, after all. I have terrible wilderness skills and despise mint sauce.

Still, it was baffling while it lasted.

Yours Sincerely,

A Rejected Lesbian

P.S. Is 'reciprocatively' a word?

'Vote for E.L. Wisty, or invisible nudists will come along and smash you round the face.'

(E.L. Wisty)

My Attempt at Tumbling

Twitter: @CliveLive49

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Nitro


Member

Posted Tue Jun 7th, 2011 3:51am Post subject: Dear...

Dear Mercy,

Your inquiry regarding the acceptability of the word 'reciprovacatively' has been received by one of our representatives and we will give you an answer shortly. As you know, we feel a certain urgency to compel all Peoples to speak and write to the highest standard ( which is outlined in our new Adobe Acrobat document, free for download, titled "Why you must speak and write well. Or else." ). We consider your confusion one well worth clearing up and have expedited the issue to our Department of Annoyances. The team who staff this area of our facility are the mostest highly educated grammar sniffers on the planet. So your concern is in good hands.

However, as a government entity we are slightly obligated to ensure that 'expedited' has a second meaning uncommon to Webster's dictionary. To save even more time for you, it can generally be understood as,"Will take months and months of silence and perhaps several frustrating calls on your part before we actually do a damned thing."

We hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Nancy M. Butterygoodness, Senior Manager, Reading and Writing Stuff
U.S. Department of You Better Watch Your Mouth, Mister! ( or Ma'am, as the case may be )

**
Dear Mandala,
* Re: American: Yep.
* Re: The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck: Without it, Life would be a little less interesting; a little more dull. They're especially fun when their music is asynchronous and out of tune. Anyone or anything who transports ice cream to my house is alright by me.
* Re: we_love_everything: Of course. We're big, slobbering St.Bernards.
* Re: The L Word: Only as used in the most American way. For example, I love Rolos. Do you know what they are? If you love chocolate and carmel, you would love them.
* Re: Cheek Pinching: I don't wish to offend you, nor sound perverse in any way, but when you say that I feel a sudden impulse to spank you and send you to your room.

L**e,
Nitro
P.S. Regarding the plant. I'm nervous now. It's not going to call me 'Seymour', is it??? I think I may join you in sleeplessness. Or piddle on myself. Whichever comes first.

Really? Wow.

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TripsOverHisCats


Member

Posted Sat Jun 11th, 2011 12:59pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear GG,

I have taken your advice to heart. Mother has stopped introducing me as her daughter for the time being, dreading the anecdotes about my father which I attribute to her on every occasion she does so (with the frequent addition of "right, dad?")

Much fun was had (by me), she learned her lesson (grudgingly).

Thank you!

-Trips

If, with the literate, I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.
* Dorothy Parker

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tsirafauna


Member

Posted Mon Jun 13th, 2011 6:30pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear woman who told us today to make our horses poo on the fields instead of the path (I don't even know the English word. earth roads? dirt tracks? well, the paths between fields) and that you were sick of the horse droppings on the tracks:

First of all: those paths are not, like you said, hiking trails. They are paths for the farmers to get to their fields, in the first place. The farmers pay to keep those paths intact and passable. And we riders pay for them as well. you don't.

second of all: We don't make our horses poo on the paths on purpose and of course, if we notice they are about to poo, we turn them towards the fields.

third of all: those paths are 2 metres wide. there should be plenty of room for your precious little feet to dance around the droppings.

fourth: horse droppings are not dangerous for the cows and other animals. unlike the poo of your dog which you probably don't pick up: dog shit not only stinks but it can poison cows. (I admit: horse droppings, like any poo, isn't exactly the most beautiful thing on earth. But if it rains once, it's gone. it doesn't stink (so much) and YOUR ROSES LOVE IT!)

sincerely
me

(phew. rant over.)

@tserafouin on twitter and
@tsirafauna is my english account.

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Nitro


Member

Posted Tue Jun 14th, 2011 3:21am Post subject: Dear...

Hmmm, maybe you could've scooped some of it up and placed it on her lawn. When she complained you could act hurt and innocent and tell her you thought she wouldn't mind since she wanted no poo on the path

Dear Night Owl In Me,

Please stop keeping me up till dawn. I do have to sleep sometimes you know.

Best regards,
you know who

Really? Wow.

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