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Nitro


Member

Posted Mon Oct 10th, 2011 2:10am Post subject: Dear...

Dear Chair,

I hope you enjoy the new look you now have, thanks to a can of spray paint. My fingers, clothes, and hair are trying to enjoy it along with you.

Very spottily yours,
Amateur

Really? Wow.

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schildpad


Member

Posted Sun Nov 6th, 2011 6:17pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear B,

If you don't like the translation job I did on your paper - which I greatly improved by rearranging a few things so that you didn't come off sounding like a dribbling moron incapable of stringing your thoughts together in a coherent fashion - all you had to do was ask for the unedited version. I would have happily have sent it to you. What I did not need today, of all days, was a snottily written little note implying that not only had I ruined it, I had ruined another paper by an author from which I had previously heard not a single complaint.

Here's a "hint": print it out, role into a tube, sit on it, and spin.

And course now I feel awful for having written all of the above because I'm sure you didn't mean it that way at all, but I'm having such a god awful fucking time of things recently that I just didn't need the extra kick while I'm down. I'm sure when I see you next I'll insist on your not paying me for the work.

I think you had better put the Indians on wheels so that you can run them about as you wish. Anon - Chief (1876)

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RaggedEdge


Member

Posted Fri Nov 11th, 2011 1:46pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear Gods/Universe/Empty Space,

Why did you let me fall so badly for someone that I can never be with? How can it be fair that I break up with them somehow, without ever having actually had any amount of physical contact at all, but incredibly deep feelings? Even worse, I can't tell anyone about it because it would ruin too many other peoples lives.

It sucks.

Dear Samaritans,

Thank you for listening.

You rock.


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gadgetgirl


Member

Posted Mon Nov 14th, 2011 7:43pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear Self,

Deep breaths and calm down over work... but to all you annoying people who don't understand what "part-time" means, I cannot do that much stuff!

flipper

That would be me.

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joan


Member

Posted Tue Nov 22nd, 2011 5:35am Post subject: Dear...

Dear world

I want to get off. But I'd settle for a divorce.

There - I've said it - the D word.

Unfortunately, in my life there is also the S word - skint.


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gadgetgirl


Member

Posted Thu Dec 1st, 2011 3:13pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear Joan,

Lots of big hugs. I hope you can work out what you want and need. World is shit sometimes, but not always.

flipper

That would be me.

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joan


Member

Posted Fri Dec 2nd, 2011 2:59am Post subject: Dear...

Dear Gadget Girl,

Oh, I'm better now - got over the grumps!

Joan


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anarain


Member

Posted Tue Dec 13th, 2011 5:57pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear (insert debt collection company name here)

I acknowledge that I may have been somewhat enthusiastic with money that wasn't actually mine but threatening me with legal action when you have no intention of taking me to court seems a little redundant. Were you to follow up on your threats then perhaps we would have a relationship that would transcend the usual debtor/creditor interaction. Our time in court may be a thing of epic proportions, what with you lambasting my poor money management skills and the judge quickly reaching a verdict of £1 a month. You may even have the chance to utter the lines, 'The truth? You can't handle the truth!'. We could be legendary.

Alas, our relationship is nothing more than a series of letters sent to my home address which I promptly stick in the bin.

In a way, dear creditor, I am living the dream.

I have to go now before my beans on toast get cold.

Yours with love

Anarain


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Nitro


Member

Posted Wed Dec 14th, 2011 7:35am Post subject: Dear...

Dear Perception,

I'm not so sure you're right, are you?

All my love,
Abstraction

Really? Wow.

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gadgetgirl


Member

Posted Thu Dec 15th, 2011 2:11am Post subject: Dear...

Dear Beer,

Why are you so nice?

Hic, flipper.

That would be me.

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Nitro


Member

Posted Sat Dec 17th, 2011 8:05am Post subject: Dear...

(you had to know this was coming and the haters just skip forwards, skip forwards rofl )

Dear Christopher Hitchens,

You awful, awful man. How dare you come along upsetting good, decent folk the way you have? You are a vile blasphemer and do you know what God does with those types? Well Mister you better watch it!

Yeah, sure, you do all that intelligent talk stuff and think you're all big and intellectual, but you are not fooling us you despicable atheist. It's people like you that destroy the good name of good manners and cause people to think more of themselves than they should. You and all your questions and facts and stuff are exactly what we're trying to fight against. All those people that need God might not get Him now because of YOU! Why, they might actually think or think about something else as being real instead of following the unsubstantiated truths of God. They might actually value this life, which isn't the really important one as the after-death life that is, a lot more and do a lot more with their lives if they go about thinking like you and your subversive friends do. Besides, it's not like you and your ilk are the kinds of celebrity-driven diversions that are more useful to the general populace. We can work with people being fascinated by Lady GaGa, but we find it far more difficult to evangelize the types of people who think you're more interesting.

Well, now that you're not alive anymore we feel we have a good idea where you are and that pleases us greatly, even those who won't admit to it. But you sure did leave a lot of work behind you the way you went about using your mind as you did, and that part's a little harder to work around. But you can bet we'll see it as a challenge from our chosen Creator to rise to! People need to be told how to think or there's no telling where their brains might lead them!

Many of us are sighing with relief and surety that our God has finally settled the score with you. Your legacy of autonomous thought and freedom and social justice and ethical idealism will, if we have it our way, one day be gone forever and ever Amen.

Sincerely,
The Faithful

P.S. The Catholics asked us to include the fact that they shall be praying for you in the event you are in Purgatory aka gods waiting room. The Sharia law loving Islamics, however, want you to know they're certain they can defeat freedom forever. God bless!

Really? Wow.

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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Sun Dec 18th, 2011 7:36pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear author of Do You Hear What I Hear-

Every time I hear this song and it reaches the lyric "a child, a child shivers in the cold let us bring him silver and gold" I have a mini WTF moment causing me to look up at whatever sound system it emanates from in mild contempt. It's just so ridiculous and so I feel there should be a baby Jesus reply verse, something like "fuck the silver and gold, how 'bout a damned blanket, do you hear that?" to kind of resolve the issue of what sounds like neglect. Anyway you did ask.

From-
That's what I hear, and you prolly shouldn't have asked.

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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marzgirl


Member

Posted Sat Dec 24th, 2011 11:08am Post subject: Dear...

Dear Saved Person,

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

God Bless, Sinner

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~

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gadgetgirl


Member

Posted Tue Dec 27th, 2011 11:33am Post subject: Dear...

Dear Waistline,

What the hell happened? What do you mean you can't cope with a few extra drinks and some turkey over the last few days and have gone all wobbly. You don't expect me to exercise to firm you back up again do you?

*burp*

That would be me.

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SophieBird


Member

Posted Sun Jan 1st, 2012 8:03pm Post subject: Dear...

Dear employer

They tell me you took the clock out of the deli department where I recently started working because you felt that the customers might think we were slackers if there was a clock visible. Do you not realize that just because there is a clock in the room it does not cause everyone to stop what they are doing and watch the hands go round? Who would have the time let alone the interest. The term Clock-watchers might be synonymous with slackers, but having access to a clock does not a slacker make!

How are we supposed to know when to bring in food which has been sitting out for a number of hours, and risk poisoning unsuspecting customers; or know when it is time to begin the various tasks of closing down the department? We have been relying on our cell phones though you plan to ban those shortly as well, making the assumption yet again that a glance at any time piece at all is proof of sloth? Do you perhaps consider it better time management for us to walk to the other end of the store to find a clock each time? Geesh.

Want the department to run more efficiently? Put a little trust in the lower ranks of your staff who benefit most from efficiency and all too familiar with the lack thereof, and stop simply pretending you know anything about the actual workings of the department based on title alone.

Your strolling through the store casually putting mislaid items back in their proper places, (a job for any one of your lower minions) does not seem to qualify as a fiscally wise use of managerial time either.

And while you are at it could you maybe spring for a new broom because a wad of plastic meat wrap wadded around the broom pole to keep the brush secure does not exactly lend itself to efficiency either.

Too be continued . . .


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