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Abominableangel


Member

Posted Sun Jul 25th, 2010 12:11am Post subject: Don't Know What To Do

Hello everyone

I'm not sure how to start this so I'll just jump in with whats going on in my head right now.

I right now should be sleeping, but I cant tare myself awayI dont want to move.

Many things have happened in the past 5 years (though in truth all my life- just the last 5 have made a whole group stand up and say theres something wrong there) which has lead people to request I get myself tested for Bipolar Disorder.
I too have thought that I might be, and Im of two minds about it. If the answer is yes then I get an answer to "me" if the answer is no then something else could be up with me or in my worst fears I'm nothing but a screw up.
But what if it is yes..I feel backed into a corner that I cant get out of.. I'm already pitied by my family "She's struggling again send in the cavalry" this is where I get talked down to like a 5 year old, which then sets me off inside, I hold in my utter contempt and rage but all the time I just want to attack.

I dont know why I stall at the simplest of tasks if the pressure gets to high, the anxiety is cripling.. and all I'm doing is running a house I dont have outside employment, but I cant cope with house hold chores they are to much. I try to take my time to cope but by the time i get XY and Z done Im completely drained and the family have screwed up my attempt.

I always had pride in what i percieved as my intelligence, I figured I was quite bright etc but my lack of intelligence is now becoming painfully clear to me.. I'm probably as dumb as a box of frogs.
and with all these people coming in to "rescue" me and patronising me along the way.

I cant bare the thought of not having and answer to "me" but then again it means the patronising the "rescuing" continues ad nauseum
Im being informed along the way by my recuers that I must consider the impact I have on their lives (as if I was clueless) Its like saying "could you try and not be a burden on us theres a good lass" Like i activly attempt being one.

so with the feeling that ive failed at life as i got board so easily one thing to the next on and on never found joy in any subject for very long and if thejob required a stressful situation like going to a publishing house to find and agent or trying out for a part I'd balk and run for the doors... I never went to Uni for fear of getting board and spending huge amounts of money.. but still wanted to be a high flyer.

It feels like my feet are imbededed in concrete I wanted to be more that what I am I truely believed I was intelligent enough to be a lawyer or an actor with high aclaime.

I love to create things and over the past few days Ive redone the garden and made plans to redecorate the whole house, earlier today I decided I was not only going to become a plasterer but also all the other trades as well (faceplant)then it hit me.. when I realised my mode of thinking and I stopped to take stock of what I was telling myself, pure rage and dispair set in. My husband noticed and asked if I was ok,I lied saying I was just tired.

If I am BP and there is i'd say a high chance of this i wont be in the top 20% maybe in the 40% but afraid of being in the stay at home catagory. I have always wanted to be admired and be well known and liked, however I've scared off every friend Ive had (no joke) terrified to meet anyone other than a user name and I'm constantly paranoid that my husband will walk out on me for another woman (i know it irrational as hes stuck with me through all the horror of the past 10 years. I recently asked him on a scale of 0-10 10 being I cant hack this any more, im off he said 7 ... now i know he wasnt being mean but its frightend me.

oh god does this post make any sence.. probably not
im terrified of being this burden where my husband has to leave work to take over here as im inept and so being this burden which my sister will have no hesitation in telling me.

so if yes i get the answer but if yes I loose my identity and become this thing called Bipolar Disorder no longer me .. i never existed im just a walking talking malfunction that requires its ass metaphorically wiped andhead patted like a dog.

if no then i get branded as a lazy brainless bitch, whos workshy.

i feel like theres no way out, i just want to run for the hills

(ps excuse poor spelling, i have dyslexia, doesnt help on the feeling dumb side)

Only when the last tree has fallen and the last fish has been caught will man realise that he cant eat money.

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Vampyros


Member

Posted Sun Jul 25th, 2010 1:16pm Post subject: Don't Know What To Do

This sounds all too familiar.

There is a way out. Check other threads for some great advice.

People here genuinlly care about each other and they will be more than happy to offer you there full and unconditional support.

Vx

I think my multiple personalities have multiple personalities - makes for quite a party.

"Books and friends should be few but good."

"It is better to be in chains with friends , than to be in a garden with strangers." -Persian Proverb
"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends." - Richard Bach

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katysara


Moderator

Posted Sun Jul 25th, 2010 6:39pm Post subject: Don't Know What To Do

Hi A-angel, welcome to the site. I am sorry to read about your fears. Personally if I were you I would rather know one way or the other but that is just my feeling. I spent a long time lying to my doctors about not having mania but once I owned upo and got a proper diagnosis and meds my life has much improved. I understand your fears all too well however... keep writing here.

KSx

I am an administrator on this site.

"Having a great intellect is no path to being happy."
~ Stephen Fry

See my website: www.katysaraculling.com

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Abominableangel


Member

Posted Mon Jul 26th, 2010 11:12pm Post subject: Don't Know What To Do

thanks for the replies.. how exactly does one not become or stay this burden? It's the last thing I want for my family or to have people look at me differently (hushed wispers - did you hear about blah blah)
but I fear its a loosing battle .. for example this morning on the first day of the school holidays, the phone rang off the hook and all were the groups assigned to help me and my family but I also had to get myfoster child off to her grandparents so im washing clothes and packing, the phones ringing again and again asking me questions like how am i feeling and can i talk about my depressive/manic episodes in more detail.. my gear box on my car had decided to blow up so im getting the AA out for that and my youngest had jabs in the afternoon i thought id missed my appointemnt as relationship play just as said grandparents were due to arrive... My fuse blew and I was alone so in ringing to appologise for said missed appointemtent which didnt exist i burst into tears i sobbed over the phone and i wanted to run away... 1 day in and im a jelly. I had no choice but to ring reinforcements, which I chastised myself for now this is an example of extreme pressure but it doesnt even have to take this much to throw me to the wolves by which time id have phoned for back up..

back up didnt arrive no one had answered the phone.. so i just froze while the kids decided mud pies were the order of the day and came in looking like something from the moores.

Why can other mothers cope, why cant I, why do i always need my parents, or husband.. I know what to do and how to do it, my body and mind wont let me. i feel trapped in myown skin.

my husband tells me that when i get medication things should start to even out, but im scared they will just bring out my inner vegetable..
I dont want this crippling anxiety, I want to wake up and not fear what the day will throw at me.

Only when the last tree has fallen and the last fish has been caught will man realise that he cant eat money.

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heatherthevet


Member

Posted Thu Jul 29th, 2010 12:36pm Post subject: Don't Know What To Do

I was a bit like that just before I went on to antidepressants for the first time, I couldn't cope, I was desperately unhappy but I sure as hell wasn't going to let anybody try to medicate me thanks. I had a fixed idea about what the tablets would do, despite never having taken them. So I decided my guesswork was better than the extensive experience of the professionals trying to help me. Genius.

Luckily I was talked round. My experience was that the tablets didn't make me feels anything as such, they helped to stop me feeling shit and kicking myself in the head for every tiny mistake. They didn't make me happy, they just gave me a level playing field so that I could be happy if I wanted, it was now possible. I could still be sad too. I'd just been moved up the emotional spectrum a bit now so that instead of my range going from wanting to die up to being down, it went from being sad to being able to smile and laugh.

These days I'm not taking anything at all and I'm doing fine. The good thing about tablets is that it's not like getting your arm cut off - if after a month or so's fair trial they aren't working you can go back to the doc and stop them. It's not forever if you choose that.

I'm not trying to talk you into anything, I'm just telling you how it was for me, if that makes sense to you then good, if not that's fine.

For right now though, cut yourself some slack, eh? You've got a lot to deal with. You don't have to be perfect, all you have to do is your best as it is today - anything else is beyond you so you can't kick yourself for something impossible can you? Your best will vary from day to day, but go to sleep knowing it was the best you could do today and that's okay.

I think that was probably a grammatical nightmare but it was my best effort right now

You can do it, you know you can.


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