Faultless Rufus (1544 -1599)
Faultless Rufus was a contemporary of William Shakespeare. He was a failed playwright who lived in London. His origins are not clear, but it is believed that he was born near Southwark and spent his youth working as a carter. He always wanted to write for a living however once his limitations as a playwright became apparent he changed direction. He took to the commercial world of public relations in an attempt to make a living offering his services to various trading ventures and working hard to write them slogans that would help sell their wares.
His real name was Rufus Barking, but his inability to tell lies in his new chosen profession led him to gain the name Faultless. He was honest to a fault. His slogans included, Stinks like a Lord, but fit for a King’s table, to promote the wares of local fish merchant Mudlark Molloy. This caused some controversy, mainly from various lords who maintained that they didn’t stink at all; subsequent research proved them wrong. From this moment Faultless Rufus was walking on thin ice. He was firmly in the sights of the aristocracy.
Another slogan, Deflowerin Maidens - London’s best brothel - Only a 40% chance catching the pox, earned him the wrath of the female population of London, who were incensed that he had stooped to advertising the sex industry. He followed this with an advert for a local medical practice, The Leech House – Have your blood sucked out by us, not the tax collectors. This earned him a special visit from the tax collectors, who delivered him two black eyes and kick in the groin. This slowed him down for a while but he continued his quest for honesty in advertising.
His most well known piece was a sonnet to promote London as a tourist destination for the rest of the world. It was Queen Elizabeth’s idea and she personally commissioned the work. Rufus toiled on this for many months agonising over how best to promote his native city. He eventually produced his final work Come to London in November 1599. This sonnet was a triumph of honesty over common sense, however, despite some reservations about upsetting a small number of people, Rufus thought he had really nailed London for what it was. The problem was that he was about to be really nailed for what he was.
Come to London (Sewer of the West)
I drifted lonely as a turd,
Through open sewers of London town,
With an odour of which most have heard,
This is the Jewel in England’s crown.
Come moor your boat at Greenwich Docks,
The Bloody Flux and Plague await,
As does a strong dose of the pox,
If you take our women on a date.
Come stroll throughout our putrid place,
Eat dodgy meals that make your shiver,
Then let our thugs rearrange your face,
And dump you senseless in the river.
Come to London and I think you’ll find,
That we’ll rob you foreign bastards blind.
Most people in London fell about laughing when they read it, but not Queen Elizabeth. She was, unfortunately for Rufus, one of the small number of people that he had offended - a rather significant person too. He was promptly arrested, charged with treason, and imprisoned in the Tower of London. Since his honesty had alienated most of the influential people of the city, his appeals for clemency fell on deaf ears. He was executed on 24 December 1599 and hung outside the Tower of London under a sign that said 'Happy Christmas' proving that the hangman had a very warped sense of humour.
The system grinds on
malodorous, relentless
producing manure
(Sudo Kamikaze 1780 - 1835)
