STEPHEN FRY

While not physically or sexually abused like you were; at school I was bullied constantly for the whole period of time, sometimes physically, mostly mentally though which has affected my life greatly.

I was so afraid of it happening again that when I went to University after leaving school I had such problems dealing with people I didn't even attempt to make any friends, have any kind of social life or anything. The opportunity of starting a whole new life was denied me because I was so petrified, so deeply depressed and had zero self-esteem and self-confidence.

I was always sensitive, extremely shy and easily hurt by people but this bulling just made me more and more depressed, more and more hateful of myself and I spent most of my teenage years and up to mid 20s alone, completely without a friend in the world.

I spent many years hating the people that done this to me, going over and over my school days being eaten up by hatred and loathing that I was unable to look at the future and see anything but more of the same bitterness, anger and regret.

Eventually, after seeing a psychologist I came to the realization that I had to let go of all that anger because it was destroying me. I had internalized the bullies, had been bullying myself constantly, always putting myself down and hating myself, blaming myself for what they did.

So I did, I just stopping hating them. I just decided I don;t care what those people think/thought of me, I know that I'm a good person, that I didn't deserve such abuse and treatment from those guys.

I don't know about forgiveness [that's mostly a Christian ethic] but I do know that I do not bear the people who tormented me any ill-will, in fact I feel sorry for them, sorry that they felt they had to do that to another person.

I'm not saying this has changed much for me, I still have severe social difficulties, problems with dealing with people, making friends and forming relationships and tend to avoid social situations because I still have extremely low self-esteem and self-confidence but I no longer have that hatred for others. I try and always see the best in people, until proved otherwise.

Don't know if that will help in your case but that's my story anyway.

The past is the past and no amount of thinking can change it, you can 0nly change the way you deal with it, and try and if not forgive, or forget try and learn that whatever happened was not your fault and that you can't change it.

Revenge will solve nothing, regret is rot.

I don't know what I'm saying I'm never very good at explaining but just try and learn to live with your past so you can look to a future free from hatred and bitterness.

xxx

Is the problem the anger at the people who hurt you or the anger you keep within yourself? In cases of sexual abuse, there is a certain propensity for the victim to blame themselves and for the mindset of 'I deserved it' to come about. You said you had a violent marriage: again, it's quite common for someone who's been abused to find a partner who continues that abuse. It's almost the self-fulfilling prophecy in a way.

The notion of forgive and forget is s shitty one to me. I can't forget things that people have done to me but I will come to terms with them if reasonable attempts to rectify the situaiton have been made. Sometimes though it's pointless. I know it's worthless trying to get along with my brother as a proper borther so we have a nothing relationship. I probably talk to the postman more than him and I live with this brother.

One tactic often used is to write letters to the people you fele hurt by but to not send those letters. It's a tool for releasing the anger, getting everything out physically. You try and keep in the emotions over the years but they churn up inside of you. It sounds like it's a good time for them to come out because life is more settled in terms of house, college etc. The exterior part of life is quite good but it's your interior with all your emotions and feelings that needs help.

Thanks for all the advice!
My anger and really rage is not so much at me, well, maybe it IS at me, the anger is of course to them for treating me like dirt, calling me a liar when they knew full well what was going on at home when they left me alone with the brothers, etc, but anger at me for not confronting Mom before she died and asking what the he** she was thinking.
A quick example. I was never in trouble, always a geeky goody two shoes. One brother was ALWAYS in trouble with the police. Mom always defended him. They (counselors) were thinking of "rewarding" him with a free ride at university to get him a degree/skill to maybe keep him out of trouble. Yes, while I had to work to PAY my own way through and couldn't finish, hence I'm back in university now. Want to add insult to injury? When I told mom, 'Gee maybe if I commit a crime over in Oakwood (the posh part of town) I can get a scholarship to Princeton" she just got angry and said something like "Shutup, you always have to pick on him about something don't you?" This was the same cretin who attempted to molest me, tried to molest our nephew and other kids, and this time was in trouble for armed robbery. Imagine growing up wiht THIS rubbish.
I've already told off one of them just last Friday. There is fighing going on over a trust fund, yes money of course, this brother is greedy and making chaos. I have cut off all contact, blocked his email, etc. AFTER getting the last word hee hee. The therapist said something about writing letters and mailing them to finish this business, and I did write them and will mail them. As for the parents, she said I could write to them and then burn them. I may try that.
Yes, I went through the same thing with alienating myself, no friends. To this day, if I am in a group or somewhere and people laugh I grimace for a second thinking they may be laughing at me, after all the abuse. But it's getting a lot better.
Thanks for the advice and this board! I've already confessed more here than to anyone else I know.

I will do that, I think I need to express what I have bottled up. Oh, but laugh at them at the same time. I am doing very well for someone who was always called a stupid loser. I guess I can get the last laugh.
I have no problem with hating and anger and resentment, with giving them that kind of power but I find I never let myself cry, over anything. That makes me feel like they have control, even though no one would know if I would cry over things. I have not cried in years.
I will let let the genie out, send them all my thoughts, and never bother with them again. I have blocked his email, have caller ID so I won't answer any phone calls, and if we must meet up ever about this trust fund (though I am 10 hours away) I will not utter a word. I may even dig out some old photos tonight and burn them. Anything I can to heal. 41 years is too long to let the rage make me lonely, mess up my work, and make me bungle a test last week over his batch of hate mail.
As you are all my witnesses, never again! I promised my therapist this too, and one thing, I never break a promise.

I won't forgive him.

That's all I have to say about that.

FWIW, I think that some people here are looking at this all wrong. Forgiveness doesn't mean that it was okay that someone hurt you; it doesn't mean that you have to invite them over and be best friends; it doesn't even mean that you have to let them know that they are forgiven. However, it does mean that you can put the past to bed and move on without having negative feelings every time something reminds you of that particular person/event. The only people who suffer from your holding onto bitterness are yourselves and those close to you.

Isn't it rather bizarre, though, that Christianity and Buddhism talk of forgiveness, yet many atheists would rather burn with hate.

Hmm not sure about that.

As for the Old Testament, I don't remember much talk of forgiveness in that sinister book - the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, the flood, an eye for an eye etc. The Old Testament God is one of vengeance, destruction and fear.

I was brought up as a strict Catholic, had the Bible forced upon me, but lost, or abandoned my faith in my teens, I was always taught to forgive, yet it was not until I became more of an interest in the humanities, that I began to look at my past and begin to philosophically digest what had happened and absolve myself and those responsible from any inbuilt, or inherent evil, or predisposition to do wrong.