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*!*Ash*!*
Member
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Posted Sun Sep 23rd, 2007 1:43pm Post subject: help
Hi,
I'm in a really bad low at the minute and I seem to be stuck in a situation where i literally have no idea what to do, and I would really appreciate any advice because I feel that I have no way out.
Basically I'm about to start my second year at uni, with my girfriend of four years and we hav managed to rent quite a small flat together. The first three years of our relationship were long distance until we went to uni together and she is a very jealous person who constantly making accusations etc and I was always told that she would nt be like this when we went to uni, but she is just the same. She seems to have planned our whole life for us and I feel extremely trapped as I am only 19, and I feel that I havent lived my life enough yet to be in a relationship closer to a 30 year old marriage. If you're reading this and thinking why dont you just break up with her, its not that simple because I do have some fantastic times with her, and also I couldnt live with the guilt of making promises to her, such as living with her at uni and breaking them. By going to uni as a couple we missed out on missing a lot of new people, which I was really upset/angry about. Also, she has told me on numerous occasions that I am her whole life and that if she couldn't live with me she'd kill herself, which to you might just sound like a harmless threat but i know her and I believe her. And more importantly, I do really really love her.
I feel immensely responsable for her well being, but she is the worse thing for me right now. She brings out both the best and the worst sides of me. I have a very creative side that seems to be getting replaced bit by bit by anger and hatred, and i'm afraid that I'll be sitting here in ten years time, with a shit job and a boring life because i was forced to settle down when I was so young. I really want to travel, see South America and gain more life experience while I can, not save my money and be sensible all the time, like she wants to.
I really don't know what to do and it has taken over every aspect of my life, worse than any phase of depression iv had before. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Ash x
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La Niña
Member
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Posted Sun Sep 23rd, 2007 1:59pm Post subject: help
Hi Ash.
I hope you're feeling better after getting that off your chest.
I think you need to talk to your girlfriend about getting some breathing space. Talk to her about what you're afraid of and to tell her that you should be able to make decisions together. That's what good relationships are about! Talking and (at least) trying to understand each other.
I'm creative myself and like me freedom, so I feel that when others make plans for me or have expectations of me, I don't like it one bit either. It feels as if someone hasn't regarded my thoughts or feelings. Usually, after telling them how I feel, they argue, becuase they believe they're right, then after a while acceptance. Minds don't change straight away.
I hope I've helped a little.
Nina
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katysara
Moderator
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Posted Sun Sep 23rd, 2007 2:07pm Post subject: help
I am an administrator on this site.
"Having a great intellect is no path to being happy."
~ Stephen Fry
See my website: www.katysaraculling.com
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Posted Sun Sep 23rd, 2007 4:00pm Post subject: help
I don't think leaving a web page open is a great way to communicate at all.
So she wants you to settle down with her. You want to wander the world a bit. Is there any chance for compromise? I have friends who have been going out for over a decade, the lady in question went on an around-the-world trip for six months whilst her gent stayed home and carried on working as a policeman. it worked for them, could it work for you?
"By going to uni as a couple we missed out on missing a lot of new people, which I was really upset/angry about. "
What do you mean here? Are we talking missing out on meeting new people as friends or are we talking about sex as well? You said you'd been going out for some time so I was thinking that perhaps you hadn't had many previous girlfriends.
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Posted Sun Sep 23rd, 2007 4:33pm Post subject: help
ash, you should definately talk to her. talking here is good practice for it.
i think living with someone you love is a difficult thing to do. at times, it really can bring out the worst as well as the best. because you wouldn't ever let someone who is not close to you see the worst.
i was in a relationship for about 4 years. my only relationship i've ever had (i'm 30) and it was difficult. i don't want to go into it too much here, because it was my life, not yours. everyone's situations are different. but we did try couples counseling because i had some problems communicating things. i'm not diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but being in a relationship brought out a lot of things inside me that i didn't know were there. since our break up, i've been reading about it, going to counseling when i can afford it, and visiting this forum.
i think it might help a lot if you were able to come to some compromise.. dating and living apart, for example. heartfelt dawn is totally right with hs example: you don't have to be acting married and living together and holding each other's purse strings to be in a good relationship.
best wishes.... b.
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