STEPHEN FRY

Stephen may be interested in a soon-to-be-book of the same name:

http://thesecretlifeofamanicdepressive.wordpress.com

I am a bit worried I have breached copyright or something. :-//

Hi Stephen,

I´m from Germany and I am 37 years old. It´s a hard day today – again. I´m depressed and in sorrow and I don`t know, if I get my feet back on the ground. The world makes me be in pain, all makes me be in pain, nothing is as it should be. I`m feeling cold. And on another time I`m in rage, that I could hit the world.
But what do I mean. First it cost me quite an effort to write, because my englisch isn´t good enough. But I hope it is understandable, although it`s patched up.

My live changed completely in 1995. The breakdown came overnight, that was what I believed. But today I know it wasn`t. I was paralysed and my thoughts were jumping from one to the other, flashlights of my live and I couldn`t stop and I couldn`t believe it. The world was so far away and never before it was nearby. All was clearly and painfull and no meaning of life. I motionless sat on the sofa for two weeks, alone with my feelings and the pictures in my brain and I was sure I`m going insane. Then I tried to kill myself. It wasn`t the first try to do this, but the first time when it was so deep.

In this time I worked and went to nightschool to get the “Abitur”, which I had abandon shortly before the leaving certificate. And there were some groups I was acitv in. Around the clock so to speak.
But in Germany we have the possibility to get a leaving certificate between secondary school and “Abitur”, it calls Fachhochschulreife. Then you cannot study at the University but at Fachhochschule. I got that and tried to study and wantet to became a welfare worker with my last ounce of strength. But there was much anxiety, panic, that I couldn`t leave the house most of the time. The world was too much for me, I was too much for me.
Following I moved to another city and stayed in a hostel for some time and went to clinic for therapy for half a year. Then I got my own flat again.
Further Drugs to survive, not to feel as much as I did - to feel normal. On the other hand I hoped for dieing by drug abuse. And I woke up in intensive care sometimes. Blackouts. I didn`t want to see, to hear, to remember and to feel anymore. I needed a break – times-out. And then therapy, therapy, clinic, therapy, clinic, therapy.

Now I´m better in some ways, but not all the time and it was hardly work. And I know I have to live with it all my live. But maybe it will be better once more, step by step. And there were so much more to tell, but it´s time to stop here. Only a few words to you:
You are an great actor, you are looking behind the “scenes” with empathy and I am impressed of you´re work and you´re courage to go to public and to say what`s with you. Over and over again.
In those days, when I didn´t know what was with me, it was heavy for me to explain, because I didn`t know what had happened. And fear, people wouldn`t understand me and they wouldn´t be interested in. And I was right, most of them didn`t and they don`t. They are far away from themselves, I believe. You are important for people like me and their families to understand, I`m sure. They are listening to you. Stay alive.
And sorry, that this Text became more extensive than I wanted, but now I´m feeling a little bit better. Thanks for the possibilitiy.

I wish you and all others in here as strenght (physical and psychical) as you need to continue and to do and enjoy what´s important for you. Possibly fun. And I wished I could assist you all to do this.
Best wishes
Susanne

I am not reading this entire thread just to find out i can't leave a message for Stephen here. I don't have that kind of time.

Especially when it says I can't in the first post.

See, it works to be a lazy poster.

I read it, but I didn`t know how to write generally to Stephen, only to say what I had to say in this moment. If he would read it or not. Where? The forums are specific and they want to "talk" to another, I believe - I read. Sorry, that I was so stupid, lazy and an illiterate.

HELLO STEPHEN,
SORRY IF I BECOME TOO FAMILIAR, BUT I FEEL I KNOW YOU SOMEHOW -THOUGH JUST A LITTLE- THANKS TO ALL THE INFORMATION I´VE FOUND ABOUT YOU AND YOUR WORK. GOD BLESS INTERNET AND YOU TUBE!!.

IT´S JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO I WAS LOOKING FOR INFORMATION ABOUT HUGH LAURIE, AMAZING ACTOR AND SPLENDID COMEDIAN WE KNOW HERE IN SPAIN TRHOUGH "HOUSE M.D.", WHEN, OF COURSE, I GOT TO MEET YOU. I HAD NEVER HEARD ABOUT YOU BEFORE, YOU ARE NOT KNOWN AT ALL IN SPAIN (WICH IT´S A SHAME, BY THE WAY!!), BUT NOW I MUST SAY I´M CAPTIVATED BY YOUR PERSONALITY AND CHARM AS IT´S SHOWN THROUGH YOUR WORK.

FIRST OF ALL, I HAVE TO SAY I´M A 35 SPANISH WOMAN AND, OF COURSE, ENGLISH I NOT MY LANGUAGE, BUT I REALLY LOVE IT. I´VE JUST LEARNT LISTENING TO MUSIC, WATCHING TV,READING BOOKS (YOUR "MAKING HISTORY" RIGHT NOW-SO BRILLIANT, BY THE WAY) SINCE I WAS A CHILD AND LATELY, THANKS TO MY JOB. SOMETIMES I THINK IN A FORMER LIFE I MIGHT HAVE BEEN AN ENGLISH PERSON (JOKING, OF COURSE) CAUSE THIS OBSESSION TO LEARN MORE AND MORE HAS EVEN LEAD ME TO WRITE MY OWN DIARY IN ENGLISH! ( WELL, MAYBE THIS IS PART OF MY MANIAC BEHAVIOUR, WHO KNOWS...). SO PLEASE, ANY WRONG THING, I BEG YOUR PARDON (I STILL DON´T KNOW HOW I´VE DARED...)

THE POINT IS ABOUT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO I BEGAN TO SUSPECT I MIGHT BE BIPOLAR. SUDDENLY IS LIKE ALL THIS MESS IN MY LIFE SINCE I WAS A CHILD MAY HAVE AN EXPLANATION. THOUGH OF COURSE, IT DOESN´T BRING ANY RELIEF...ON THE CONTRARY, I HAD TO SPEND A COUPLE OF DAYS IN BED INCAPABLE OF ANY MOOVE WHEN I READ ABOUT IT AND SAW MYSELF REFLECTION IN ALL THOSE SYMPTOMS. MY MOTHER SUFFERED FROM A MENTAL DISEASE TOO (FIRST DEPRESSION AND LATER ALTHEIMER FOR MORE THAN TEN YEARS IN WICH I WAS FIRST LINE OBSERVER AND CARER) AND THE MERE IDEA OF ANOTHER MENTAL DISORDER IN MY LIFE IS FOR ME COMPLETELY UNBEARABLE AS YOU CAN IMAGINE. SO I´M SO SO SCARED TO DEATH, I´VE HAVEN´T TALKED ABOUT THIS TO ANYONE...EXCEPT HERE AND NOW.

I JUST CAN´T EXPLAIN WHAT MEANT TO ME WATCHING "THE SECRET LIFE OF A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE" AND ALSO SOME INTERVIEWS YOU´VE BEEN GIVING LATELY, TALKING SO OPENLY ABOUT THIS DISEASE. IT WAS VERY MOOVING TO SEE HOW MANY THINGS IN COMMON WE HAVE. I THINK I´VE BEEN DEPRESSED ALL MY LIFE SINCE I WAS A CHILD. I HAD A BAD CHILDHOOD, BEST THING MY FATHER COULD DO WAS IGNORE ME AND MY MOTHER, WELL, I THINK SHE JUST DIDN´T LIKED ME AT ALL. THEY BOTH USED TO PULL ME DOWN IN MANY WAYS, AND I THINK THAT MADE ME BE A VERY PLEASING PERSON. I THINK THE TREMENDOUS NEED OF BEING LOVED MADE ME BECOME THIS KIND OF WARM, PLEASING AND ALSO STUPID PERSON I AM. EVERYONE´S NEEDS USED TO BE IN FRONT OF MINES, SO THIS IS HOW I GOT TO BE ALONE, CAUSE I GOT FED UP OF GIVING AND NOT RECEIVING HALF AS MUCH AND ALSO BECAUSE OF A VERY LOW SELF STEEM REGARDING MY APPEARANCE. MY SOCIAL ISOLATION IS NOW WORSE THAN EVER, AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, WHAT I THINK WAS A MANIC MOOD HAS MADE ME BE UNNEMPLOYED, WICH BY THE WAY IS A REAL SHAME, CAUSE I AM A GOOD PRO, AS THE RESULT OF ALWAYS NEED TO BE THE BEST, YOU KNOW, TO HAVE EVERYONE´S APPROVAL, HAVE EVERYONE´S RESPECT, TO BE SUCCESFULL, WHAT I GOT TO BE FOR MORE THAN TWELVE YEARS...BEFORE I THREW IT ALL UP WHEN I WAS IN THIS "TOP OF THE WORLD " MOOD.

WELL, I DON´T WANT TO BOTHER YOU WITH MY WOES, IT´S JUST I´M SO HOUNDED THESE DAYS WITH DEPRESSION, I FELT KNOWING ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCES AND YOUR OPEN-ATTITUDE, IT WOULD BE A BIT RELIEF JUST SHARING WITH ANYONE WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND WHAT IS FEELING THIS WILD STORM, MORE A TORNADO, BLOWING INSIDE YOUR HEAD ALL DAY LONG, JUST MAKING YOU SO DESPERATE YOU´D RATHER WANT TO BE DEAD TO HAVE SOME PEACE OF MIND AT LAST. I´VE NEVER ATTEMPTED SUICIDE LIKE YOU, BUT I´VE PLANNED MANY TIMES AND I´VE PHYSICALLY HURTED MYSELF IN A SEARCH FOR A PAIN THAT IS EASIER TO HANDLE THAN THIS SORT OF ABSTRACT DULL DEEP PAIN PLACED IN YOUR HEART AND YOUR MIND EACH BLOODY DAY. I ´D WISH I HAD ANYONE TO TELL, BUT I FEEL UNABLE TO TALK TO A DOCTOR AND IMMERSE MYSELF IN A DIAGNOSIS PROCESS THAT, FOR WHAT I´VE READ, IS LONG AND TEDIOUS, AND I HAVE NO FAMILY TO TRUST, CAUSE THERE´S ONLY TWO OLDER BROTHERS LEFT AND WE ARE NOT VERY CLOSE. I JUST WANTED TO WRITE THIS DOWN AND SEND TO SOMEONE WHO WON´T THINK I´M A DISASTER, I´M CRAZY OR I´M A SHAME PITTY-WORTHYPERSON, AND I THOUGHT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND. THAT´S ENOUGH FOR ME...DEAR GOD HOW PATHETIC THIS MAY SOUND...

ANYWAY, THE POINT OF THIS IS I JUST WANTED TO SEND A BIG BIG THANK YOU, FOR SHARING YOUR EXPERIENCES AND LETTING US KNOW THAT, SOMEHOW, WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS CRAZY INSANE AND SELFISH WORLD AND STILL THERE´S SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT´S WORTH TO KNOW. HOPE YOUR LIFE GOES ON WITH ALL THE HAPPINESS YOU DESERVE AND YOUR TREMENDOUS TALENT LEAD YOU TO KEEP ON MAKING THOSE WONDERFUL CREATIVE JOBS AS WRITING, MAKING FILMS AND TV SERIES AND SO ON. IT´S BEEN A PLEASURE TO KNOW ABOUT YOU, YOU´VE BEEN ABLE TO SHAKEN ME UP FROM MILES AND MILES AWAY (AGAIN, GOD BLESS INTERNET). YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION AND A BEAUTIFUL ADORABLE LOVABLE HUMAN BEING TO KNOW, THOUGH JUST A LITTLE.

THANKS FROM THE DEEPEST OF MY SOUL FOR EXIST,
MARIA.

No need to shout, dear!

Oops I meant, welcome seasun545

(!) dear stephen. Saw your tv programme on BP. This went undiagnosed in my case until fairly recently,and as I have epilepsy, it was hard for them to treat. I find myself turning into a recluse, because if the epilepsy and BP are not enough, over the last two years I've been suffering from osteoarthritis, esp in the feet. It is all a far cry from when I was working and living in London, (Dean Street)
now I'm living in a residential home for the elderly and disabled.It's bad enough coping with the mood swings,but the pain is intolerable.I have spent the last four months trying in vain for a grant for a disability scooter!(don't laugh). Those horrid things you see when you are out shopping. Soon I'll not be able to go out of this place if I don't get one, which scares me, because I have this horrid thought of going mad. Do you know if the princes' trust could help?(re:scooter.)
I'm going out of my mind. Please ,If you know of any other agency to E-mail me at jcollins6@sky.com. They might need my address- 53 SparableLane sheltered housing Wakefield WF1 5NGRight now I feel like hiding away. Well, maybe I'll read a little while longer, but I find the mind drifting. Thanking you, mr John Collins.