Hello, my name is Evie. I live with my younger sister and our best friend The Amazing Twatboy. This book is meant to chronicle his mishaps but may well read more like a comedy than anything else. Hope you enjoy it, if not please feel free to use this book as a door stop, floating bath toy for your child or any random children you may be sitting for, or I suppose you could just be boring and take it back to the shop from whence you bought it. Here goes...
The story starts simply. Rosie works at a card shop and one day brings home a green T-shirt which she has to wear for the next week instead of her regular blue one. The new green T-shirt is to let every customer know that the shop she works for has donated a large sum of money to the MacMillan Cancer fund.
Rosie : 'I have to wear this...I'm going to look like a gigantic pea!'
Twatboy : 'No you won't.' Big pause, then 'I know you get lung cancer in your lungs and prostate cancer in your prostate, but where on earth is your MacMillan?'
We have a bread machine.
Twatboy : 'What does 1 cup plus 1/4 cup mean?'
Me : 'It means you have to put 1 cup of the ingredient in the machine and then a quarter of a cup in as well. Are you sure that you're going to be alright making this?'
Twatboy : 'Yeah. I'll be alright. Don't worry.'
I received a text message later that day which read 'erm....was the bread meant to be watery?' So I phoned up to see what he meant.
Twatboy : 'Well, I got it out of the machine but it was more liquid than anything else so I've sort of splashed it all over the kitchen. Then I made a second one and that went okay until I tried it and it was really really salty.'
Me : 'How much salt did you put in?'
Twatboy : 'Just what the recipe said. Only it says teaspns in the recipe and I didn't know what that meant so I put a spoon full in.'
Me : 'Which spoon did you use?'
Twatboy : 'The ones that we used the other day when we were eating pasta.'
Me : 'You mean the dessert spoon? Cuz that's what you were using the other day.'
Twatboy : 'No, the big one that you used to make the sauce. Not the ones that we ate with. Was that not right?'
Me : 'Teaspn means teaspoon. The spoon that you make your tea with in the morning.'
Twatboy : 'Oh right. Erm.....'
Me : 'Yeah?'
Twatboy : '...so that was sort of the wrong spoon then? I have to go anyway....there's bread mix on the floor and it looks like glue......could you make the bread when you get home?'
We have a basement which sits just about the water table so we have a pump on down there pretty much constantly. Occasionally in heavy rain the pump down there can't cope and stops working and then we have a flood down there. Normally this wouldn't be a problem but the last time it flooded, Twatboy's dad had stored a lot of stuff down there in cardboard boxes and because he hadn't come to help tidy it up and tell us which bits of his we could throw away, all the cardboard decomposed into soil and bugs started showing up. Possibly to have little parties but really who knows? Then one Sunday afternoon Alan, Twatboy's dad, turns up with lots of plastic gloves and bin liners and announces that we're going to clean the basement. Twatboy laces up his trainers, puts a pair of gloves on and goes down there with a bag. A few bangs and ouch's later, we all hear screaming from the basement so we all rush down.
Alan : 'Whats wrong? Have you caught yourself?'
Twatboy : 'No...there's a centipede over there....'
I should mention at this point that Twatboy is standing on a bucket saying this and is terrified by insects.
Me : 'Where? I'll get rid of it.'
Twatboy : 'Over by the table....careful. It's absolutely massive.'
So off I go, hunting through the gravel down by the table (don't ask me why there's gravel down there. I have no idea). A centipede runs off in the other direction. It's about a centimetre long, if that. Twatboy screams again 'See I told you it was huge! It almost bit my leg off!'
Aftermath of the basement
Twatboy comes wandering into the living room with the trainers that he wore in the basement in his hands, only the soles aren't attached anymore.
Rosie : 'Geez...what happened to those? Did the massive centipede get hungry and eat all the glue?'
Twatboy : 'Don't be stupid. I put them in the washing machine on 90 to get all the dirt off and to kill any bugs on them, and they came out like this.'