STEPHEN FRY

hello m00c0w,

i read your poem. are you still around? can you keep posting?

it's definitely understandable, how people often seek suicide to escape pain, and to take control or deal with something that was done that You had no choice in.

Is this on your mind today?

Have you called any of the helplines in your location? a few listed here:
http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/help-services

There is some good in humankind, (though hard to see sometimes)and you deserve to see it and have it, and you can.

(sorry if you were just posting a poem, to me you sound very in distress)

ok now i'm getting worried ~KSx

I have plans too. Part of me wants to ask where you bought the GBL (still legal isn't it?) and half thinks shit, that is serious stuff, you're not messing around:

Gamma-Butyrolactone = GBL for those who didn't know.

*Using both GHB and GBL can cause unconsciousness, coma and death.

*Even experienced users are at risk from death by intoxication.

*There is some evidence that taking these drugs with alcohol or other sedative drugs adds to the risk of harm.

*But it is also clear that GHB and GBL can cause death when taken on their own.

And you don't want me to worry? Part of me will, part of me understands the need to make a final exit - it's not a black and white topic. I would be a total hypocrite if I told you attempting suicide is wrong. I believe each person has the right to do with their life what they will but most of us consider those left behind. I've tried many times, but I was too ill to put good plans together, or I got caught, or I survived the impossible.....

Your poem was very powerful. I particularly identify with:

Why can't I do it?
Visions of my mum suffering keep me alive but why?
So my endless suffering continues
Behind sometimes smiling eyes

take care,
KSx

I was about to give you advice on how not to vomit then I stopped myself. It's good you have a friend keeping in touch. Ah Morrissey, so many turn to him when suicidal... I never did but I've seen it many times over. I prefer to read the lyrics than hear the song - is that bad?

Glad you are still with us and I apologise for my weird post today, I'm not quite with it...

No i've not been drinking.

KSx

m00c0w,

i've never used those lines myself, for different reasons...but i do post them when someone sounds as distraught as you do.

part of what the lines are for is to talk about things that a lot of friendships just can't handle... but also to help you let some time pass by.

I've done crisis email, & there was no magic advice in the answers, but it did mean that i was waiting out a few hours until i heard back from the person on the other end. they passed so slowly! but little by little...

it's great that you are trusting your friend, at your own speed. from your poem i'm guessing that you have a LOT of reasons to mistrust people. And it's great that he admits he doesn't understand or know what to do...sometimes those people are the best listeners.

do you have a counselor or doctor?

m00c0w said:
why do i feel so alone?
Consumed by emptiness
The darkness that surrounds me
Hold my hand and take me away

Feeling worthy of nothing and no one
Just another piece of shit that's failed
Oxygen thief by definition
Thieves used to be hung - if only

Labour of love
If you tell anyone I'll kill you
I can still smell him on me
If only to turn back the clock

And in all the confusion
Childhood innocence removed
I wonder if I liked it
Maybe it wasn't confusion after all

The feeling of fists and feet raining down upon me
My life mapped out for me at an early age
Your going to be nothing and that's what I am
They were right

The taste of my tears
I can't take it any more
The end it's all i want, not life
I shan't be missed

Why can't I do it?
Visions of my mum suffering keep me alive but why?
So my endless suffering continues
Behind sometimes smiling eyes

Anger and resent
Underachievement is what I've achieved
I can't even kill myself no matter how much I want it
But I strive to get at least one thing right

And one day it will be done
The people that know will no longer know
I shall disappear one day
If only to be cared for but no one does

Even when I'm told I'm cared for
It seems like a cruel lie
My tormentors now dressed up as friends
This pit I'm in feels deep

No one to forget me
I've been forgotten all ready
No one that can help me
Although help will be shunned

I hope after life there is nothing
The end has to be the end
Silence, darkness, peace
We'll all escape and things will be better

May my suicide be the last pain I feel
It is all I am deserving
Although this pain will be exquisite
I long for it's reward

hello m00c0w,
i just wanted to say, that as worrying as this poem was to read, i also totally get it!
m00c0w your poem sounds like MY life, sounds like how i feel all the time....and i too cannot escape it!
i spend a great deal of my life crying, because there is just nothing else that i can do, no one can help me, and i have no solution for my missery either!
i wish that someone could just take all these hurt feelings away, and save me from my life of missery, but no one can!....and i always feel that its my fault in the first place, because i failed!....i feel like this now, because i failed as a Daughter and a sister, and most of all because i failed myself!....i got myself into this mess, i didn't do enough to ensure that my life would not be like this!...and thats why only i can make my life better, but i just don't have the will power anymore, i'm emotionaly drained, the only emotions i feel now are sadness, lonelyness, and emptyness!
and i have no one in my life who cares or understands properly, and this is why i joined this lovely group, because people here are nice, and friendly and seem to understand!
because this group is all i have, i am greatfull for it, and the people in it!
this is a good place to talk!
thankyou everyone who has supported me,
and m00c0w you are not alone hun!
feel free to chat to me when ever you like!

Lyn/Eowyn x

m00c0w said:
Michael: I don't have a counselor, no. I went to one session (my GP figured out there was something wrong), and then after a week or so they got in contact and said that they could only give me six sessions and then refer me to somewhere else. Well, what's the point in that? I have to let someone in, talk - and then do it all again! No thanks - I passed. That didn't help, that made me feel worse - if they can't be bothered with me, then why bother at all?

i don't know what health services in the UK are like...my own all depend on if i can afford insurance and i usually can't. but most places i've been to are clinics for the poor/uninsured and yes, they have a limit of how long they can see someone. but those places helped me THE MOST...

Consider it this way: that limit may be for Your well-being and not just theirs? maybe they DO care, and they want you to get better as fast as possible. or maybe they do not have expertise to deal with certain things and want to be able to know what's going on so they can refer you to someone who's right for you?

we hardly know you, but we do care about you!!! you say you don't want to go backwards, but suicide is just about the biggest "backwards" step anyone can take. why not contact someone to take with you? or be very brave and go on your own?

if you're so in pain that you want to die, and you feel like you have nothing to lose...then, hey...you have nothing to lose, why not try getting help?
(and i don't mean that in a flippant way at all, it may sound like that...i mean it sincerely, as i have felt it before.)

m00c0w, What can we do to help?

help you find more support? more options? a better counselor? go with you (in spirit) to get help?