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MRTmum
Member
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Posted Thu Dec 31st, 2009 2:26am Post subject: I don't know what to do
I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. The feelings you are describing are VERY familiar. If you don't mind me asking, what depression meds are you taking? I take 40 mg of Paxil daily for my depression (was dbl'd too last year) and if I run out or take it irregularly, I experience what you are describing and/or anxiety attacks.
There are people who care about you and want to help you. If you can't love yourself to care about yourself, please find someone who will. This moment will pass (not soon enough I'm sure it feels like)
Send me a PM if you need to talk ok? *hugs* Please take care, ask for help.
Tracy
m00c0w said:
Thought I'd drop by tonight because I have no one else to talk to. Fuck I'm low tonight. Maybe having a vent on here may help, I don't know.
I'm at my best friend in Wales' house, who has been helping me sort myself out. He booked the doctors appointment for me, of which I'm on some pretty strong pills. I was nearly sectioned for the month of December too - but I managed to dodge that bullet - they took too long to talk to me so I left the hospital in the end. It got to the point I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone any more, so I upped and left. They hassled my mate for a while trying to get in touch with me, but they never caught up with me - and I didn't call them back either.
So since then I've been back to the doctors, and had my meds doubled - which I don't like. It's really weird - I still feel worthless, and I hate myself every day - but I can't cry about it (actually, I have just now but that's the first time in a while). It's like depression without the feeling of being depressed if that makes any sense - although like tonight, sometimes I can sink very very low. It's all kind of out of body experience. A strange sensation.
I have thrown the GBL away - again, just yesterday in fact. If only I had it now. I'd leave here and go out for a long walk, and that would be the end of me. Tomorrow's supposed to be THE day, and I'm sat here in bed now thinking of what other way I can go. Razor blades? Hmm.. Maybe I'll be going to Sainsbury's tomorrow - and not come back.
I still want to die, I really really do. I now have got to the point where I don't think anyone is a consideration - neither my mum or my best mate, I just want to go. I feel very uncomfortable being at my mates at the moment. Part of me wants to stay though, part of me wants to leave here, part of me just doesn't know what he wants, but all parts of me wants to die - still. There have been days though (albeit very few) where I have felt OK. Those aren't bad days I have to admit but too few and far between.
I feel so alone. All I want is to feel loved by someone. Is that such a big thing to ask for? I long for a hug - a meaningful one. Instead I feel so alone. I've been signed off of work until Feb. and I hate it at home - alone. It's like being in a "This Is Your Life" scenario, except on this episode, no one turns up.
My mind is so muddled. I should of kept the GBL. I should of not let anyone get involved. I've kept my depression a very personal thing to me except this year I have let people in. I should never, ever have done that. Everything was so much more straight forward and planned before.
In 24 hours time, I should be taking my life. God, that makes me cry typing that. In 24 hours, all of this pain could disappear. All of my problems solved. No one would miss me - I'm ready.
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tito
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Posted Thu Dec 31st, 2009 1:59pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Hello m00c0w,
It's very good to hear from you again. Patience can be a difficult thing to have at your lowest ebb. In fact it evaporates.
But please stick with it and give your medication the chance to start to work.
I'm thinking of you, and am very relieved you have posted again.
Thankyou,
Love Tito xxx
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quantumofire
Member
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Posted Thu Dec 31st, 2009 10:24pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Hello m00c0w
I'm sad to hear that you're still feeling the way you do and you're still thinking of following through with the plans you set out all those months ago on this forum. But perhaps this is also a time for despair to give way to anger. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry - to say to those around you what you really feel. To break the bubble of self-containment that others have forced you into. I'm sorry if this sounds grandiose.
Once I had many friends when I moved to Manchester. Now I'm sitting alone in my flat with a bottle of gin - a little muzzy headed, I admit - thinking of all the bullshit people put on our lives. Those of fitting in to what others demand.
I've just been watching An Englishmen in New York on ITVplayer. Not that I want to paint myself in rouge and run out screaming, 'I am a homosexual', but that I am a human being who doesn't have to buy into the bullshit of playing some sort of game that those around me feel I have to play in order to justify my place in their society.
Sometimes the past bleeds through generations. And people don't know any better. Not that they shouldn't - but that poison should be seen for what it is. Something that should be shouted out.
Stay with us
XXXXX quantum
http://quantumofire.blogspot.com/
Breaking contradictions in his mind was, to him, like walking through a winter forest snapping twigs underfoot.
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greentree
Member
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Posted Thu Dec 31st, 2009 10:52pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Whatever that part of you than wants to stay is, hang on to that.
'What's the point?' is a strong question, emotion, pull over to the other side. But in the darkest moments, there is that 'something' that keeps us here - call it base survival instinct, or whatever.
Had this conversation with therapist before Christmas - the 'something' that keeps us plodding on, keeps us here. We don't know what it is, or WHY it even is, but hang on to it. With your fingernails if necessary.
It's hard, so hard, when all is dark and seems hopeless, but hang on to that shred.
This will pass. It may not seem like it, and you can't see any way out, but this pass.
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marzgirl
Member
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Posted Fri Jan 1st, 2010 3:35am Post subject: I don't know what to do
I cannot give you a real hug m00c0w but I would if I could. I could use one myself actually. My mom is in hospital because they think she might have had a stroke. Her blood pressure was 125/110!!!
Thinking of something happening to one of my parents or my kids is just unthinkable!!! I would imagine you feel the same for your mom and she for you.
I understand and often wonder myself why life is just so damn hard, why can't I just snap out of this mood or that, why when I feel fine something is always around the corner to knock me on my ass again.....
Greentree is right. Whatever the something is that is keeping you going, hand on to it with all your might!!! I like example of hanging on with your fingernails because mine are fake and that makes them stronger. Sometimes I think to myself it is a good thing my nails are acrylic or I would have lost my grip a long time ago  .
Massive virtual bear hugs to you m00c0w!!!!! XXXXXXXXXX
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
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m00c0w
Member
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Posted Fri Jan 1st, 2010 3:53pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Well it didn't take much for my mate to figure out that there was something up yesterday, so I showed him for the first time this thread, or rather, the last post I had made on here.
Needless to say, he didn't let me out of his sight and was very supportive. We had a really good chat in the evening - and I'm still here. I felt wanted, loved - which he did anyway, but last night I really felt it. Seeing in the new year was a struggle though. I think the few hours leading up to, and the hour afterwards were the worst I have endured for a long long time.
I suppose another factor is that the shops around here aren't allowed to sell razor blades due to a high suicide rate amongst farmers - so my plan was doomed before the start! Doh!
Thanks to all on here for your support too. I suppose the next steps are to keep taking the meds and see where we go from here. I owe my best friend my life.
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fryfan20
Member
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Posted Fri Jan 1st, 2010 5:45pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
good to hear from you dear
you got a good friend, hope all will be a lot better for you very soon
*hugs*
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marzgirl
Member
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Posted Fri Jan 1st, 2010 6:51pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
 I am so glad you shared with your best friend!! Please keep us posted on the med situation as well. Please do not give up on meds working. Some work for some people and some don't. It might take a while of trying this and that to find the right one or right cocktail for you. Just be honest with the doc and tell him/her, hey I don't think this is working.
To ring in the new year I watched The Soloist while my husband played world of warcraft. Whoopee!!!! It just feels like another day to me. As long as starbucks is open, I am good. 
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
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quantumofire
Member
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Posted Fri Jan 1st, 2010 7:22pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
It's great that you have a best friend in your life; one who understands how you feel and cares about you.
I so overjoyed that you made through into New Year.
xxxx quantummy (put on five pounds over the last week  )
http://quantumofire.blogspot.com/
Breaking contradictions in his mind was, to him, like walking through a winter forest snapping twigs underfoot.
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katysara
Moderator
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Posted Fri Jan 1st, 2010 9:20pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Glad to hear you have shared all of this with a real live person m00c0w, I think that is a great step forwards. Glad razors weren't on sale too, though that seems quite odd, most farmers own a gun!
I'm glad you made it to 2010. Personally I found it very hard too, I went to bed at 10pm but woke at 1am... at least I missed the bells.
Love and hugs,
KSx
I am an administrator on this site.
"Having a great intellect is no path to being happy."
~ Stephen Fry
See my website: www.katysaraculling.com
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marzgirl
Member
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Posted Fri Jan 1st, 2010 9:41pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
I am so glad to hear from you as well KS!!!! XXXXXXX
We did not have bells here we had fireworks. GRRRR!!! I had no idea they did that in New Mexico so when they started I thought some bear or wild cat was banging around on my roof!!!
I finally put two and two together because earlier on the radio there was an advert from the humane society telling people how to help their pets through the anxiety of fireworks. I thought it odd when the advert came on but made sense when the banging started.
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
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michael
Member
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Posted Mon Jan 4th, 2010 5:41pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Hi MooCow!!
it's great to hear from you! your friend sounds like a wonderful fabulous person, who does love you. you must be a wonderful fabulous person too then.
i wish i could win the lottery and send you tickets to travel to other places! (if you wanted them anyways. lol. as if i'll win the lottery. i don't even play it. :P)
this new year's i went to the city to a gay bar and a drag show with a date that i'd never have dreamed of finding where i live ( a rural farm area also ) but i did. you never know what life will bring you in the next days. i was suicidal over and over, at it's peak these very weeks but 3 years ago. i know that may not console you when you are so down, but your bad times can and will ease up.
"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name
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m00c0w
Member
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Posted Mon Jan 4th, 2010 9:09pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
I'm an idiot. After my friend does everything to help me, I treated him like shit on Saturday night. 
I opened up to him - a lot. He officially now knows more about me than anyone else, including the bits that I am really really ashamed of. I didn't take my meds for a couple of days before hand, and I'd had a lot to drink during the day and the evening.
It wasn't an argument as such but some real horrid comments were passed backwards and forwards between us. Still, I wont use the drinking and lack of meds taking as an excuse. I was out of order, and I take full responsibility - because I knew what I was doing. I was pushing him away. What I have told him really bothers me (in general). I trust him (more than anyone else because I have some serious trust issues - but no reason to mistrust him at all), but what I told him was one of my darkest hangups. He took it well, but now I'm going to feel judged. Something else I now have to deal with in my head.
For once, I should just let someone in and let them help me, or even just know what I'm thinking so they can understand me better. He has done a hell of a lot, and I suspect the horrid comments in return were because it felt like being kicked in the teeth for everything he has done. I don't know. - I certainly don't blame him.
I hope we have patched things up over the last day or so, because I felt like a real bastard for the unpleasant comments, and a complete idiot! I want him in my life as my best friend, my brother for the rest of my life.
I always screw things up, don't I?!
On a positive note, back on the meds now and feeling OK. I'm going to the doctors in the week and see if he can change them because I am still very up and down, and when I am down - boy, I'm down!
Again, thanks to everyone on here for the posts, the pm's - everything. It does mean a lot to me. Thank you.
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m00c0w
Member
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Posted Mon Jan 4th, 2010 9:15pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
MRTmum - I am on Citalopram.
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tito
Member *
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Posted Mon Jan 4th, 2010 10:03pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Hello m00c0w,
I hope you and you friend will be OK. He does sound a wonderful person. Someone who understands.
Aside from all that, you do sound better, if that's possible when writing!, than you have been.
It's always a good thing to hear from you.
love Tito xxx
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