STEPHEN FRY

I can't take this any more. I really can't. Sunday despite the awkwardness in the morning between me and my friend I was fine. Yesterday I was fine. Today I have felt even better - almost to the point of wondering what was wrong with me in the first place - you know, right up there.

Until this evening I got an email from said friend asking me how I was, and at the time I was great. Now though (pretty much 15 minutes after sending the email)- I am back to uncontrollable sobbing and the thoughts of doing away with myself again - and I don't know why. I don't know what has brought this on all of a sudden.

I really, truly am sick of this roller coaster ride of emotions. Emotions that I can't control - they control me. I don't think any type of medication is going to help me because what I am on (and it's a lot more than 20mg!) isn't working. Talking to someone either helps for a short period of time, or makes me feel worse, and the only person I care for lives miles away so I feel so alone. I have no one else, and no one else gives a damn about me.

How can I make this all stop? I want to make it stop. Someone PLEASE help me and make it stop! I'm not asking now - I am begging and I'd do anything!

Someone..... please help me.

and from what i've experienced and what others tell me of thier experiences, it's very common for a doc to start you on a low dosage and up it from there... for many reasons: if you have bad side effects, they won't be so bad, and if you may be bipolar but undiagnosed, that can keep a manic phase from happening.

that's what makes it a hard time, getting used to it and going thru the low dosage time can have lots of ups and downs, i remember feeling much the way you do now!

mc00w, if things are at desperation point, i would echo michael and say call the GP, call the samaritans, get yourself to A&E....make contact with someone, somewhere.... call the local mental health trust crisis team, just don't go it alone.

I've been to the doctors today and my meds have been changed. I'm to take a month coming off of Citalopram and in the mean time start on Mirtazapine.

However, the interesting thing he said was don't just stop taking Citalopram because "you will hit a real nasty low". Really thought I! - maybe that's just what I need!!

And so the idea of just stopping the Citalopram has entered my head. Even though I have thrown my GBL away - I can still get it (!), and I can easily get Mephedrone which is legal and apparently equally as bad. So easy that I've just ordered 2 grams of it - 10 doses. The GBL would take a few weeks to come through, so I can't be bothered waiting.

I'll take the meds until that arrives and then I shall see what happens. Why is it I still want to push people away and still want to die? I've even thought of going to a nightclub and then od-ing there, so it doesn't look like a suicide attempt. I think my mum would live with that a little more than me being depressed and then doing it.

I've turned my mobile phone off, and unplugged the one in the house I am that down. I don't want to talk to anyone!

Calling my friend is the last thing I want to do right now. Besides - what can he do?? Really...........

I've known him for about 7 years now, and it's within the last year we have become close. Beforehand this was all clear cut and simple - I knew what I wanted to do and when. Now, letting someone get close to me has made things quite complicated. We have so much planned together too - a holiday in March, a music festival, a few concerts etc - through to September.

At the moment in my head, I'm not going on holiday because I don't want to spoil it for anyone. A holiday is a holiday and he needs a break from me! The concert in a few weeks time - *shrug*. The rest I can sign over to him. It's all paid for, but I can take the financial hit - it's not like I spend my money on anything really.

The way I see it - he'll be fine a week or so after I'm gone - if that. My mum obviously will take longer, but she'll get over it. Life carries on after all doesn't it?! It's just that I don't want it to.

I know a woman whose 2 children both died young, this is over 40 years ago, and she still hurts. I have lost friends in accidents, I still think about them. I think about my father most days, and he died over 40 years ago.

Trying to convince yourself won't change anything. You are a real, flesh and blood, human being and you are part of peoples' lives. Leaving irreversibly will rip a huge hole in their world.

None of us here can tell you what to do, but I'm going to ask you to talk to your doctor about counselling and therapy as a matter of urgency. Take a printout of this along with you if it will help.

I did stuff the hard way, went into my own darknesses alone and conquered some of my own bogeymen; it really wasn't pleasant and I'd hate to think of anybody as far down the black slope as you are, going there without anybody to guide their steps.

The poor self image, feeling of worthlessness, they have roots in experience and conditioning. You need to see that the experience and conditioning are not a correct reflection of your actual personality and worth in the world.

Most of us here know that sensation of self loathing, disgust, guilt at our own weaknesses and faults. We fight them daily, and sometimes our suns shine. I want, we want you to have your days in the sun too.

I tried to respond to the idea that the people left behind don't just get over it in a factual way, not trying to add to any guilt. I am sorry if I did.
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