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marzgirl
Member
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Posted Sat Oct 17th, 2009 8:25pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Even if only one or two people would suffer the loss of you, does that make their suffering less important? I don't know you and I would suffer the loss of you. Just knowing that you are out there somewhere hurting and there is not a damn thing I can do about it, hurts me.
Most people don't appreciate what they have until it is gone. So those distant family you mentioned would surely be impacted more than you can imagine. If you are in some way motivated by thinking that because you are not close with alot of these people you think you should be, killing yourself would be a big fuck you, I will show them, I would ask you to consider this. Living well is the best revenge. KS had the best advice. 6 appts could turn into more. She knows the system there better than anyone I know so far. Get the help, get sorted, live well and if you still feel like saying fuck you, them just say it, laugh and then go about living well. I could certainly be way off the mark. I am just brain storming and throwing out ideas really based on some of my own passed thought processes. Regardless, everyone's advice has been sound and wise. To add to that get the help, get sorted and live well. Everyone deserves it and everyone has a contribution to make no matter how small. Take your friend, use all the support you need and can get right now.
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
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Maxx England
Member
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Posted Sat Oct 17th, 2009 8:43pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Marz is right. Everybody, me, you, everybody has the right to live in the sun. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to meet somebody that makes a difference for you, and you can make a difference for them. Leaving won't give you that opportunity; wherever you live, there are good people out there who will genuinely miss you.
Stay a while, give yourself and the good guys a chance.
The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?
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captainslow
Member
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Posted Sun Oct 18th, 2009 7:37pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
m00c0w said:Michael: I don't have a counselor, no. I went to one session (my GP figured out there was something wrong), and then after a week or so they got in contact and said that they could only give me six sessions and then refer me to somewhere else. Well, what's the point in that? I have to let someone in, talk - and then do it all again! No thanks - I passed. That didn't help, that made me feel worse - if they can't be bothered with me, then why bother at all?
Hi M00c0w
I read this thread really feeling touched by your agony. You are in need of help but you seem to feel you are not taken seriously.
Although I was in a bad state it was not as bad as your state of mind, when I first met my psychiatrist. This is two months ago. I have seen her now six times. Although I do not have a six visit limit right now, I must say these six talks I had dramatically improved my well-being. After two visits I was put on medication, but the talking was incredibly helpful to reframe my life and my understanding of my own condition. I would like you to rethink the importance of six visits, they can make a difference!
Let us know how you fare, we will read with compassion and understanding, offering you whatever comfort and support we can through this medium. We care.
kind regards
Captain Slow
“Depression is the inability to construct a future”
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m00c0w
Member
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Posted Mon Oct 19th, 2009 11:15am Post subject: I don't know what to do
Well, I've read what people have said since my last post and this morning, a rare thing happened. I was in a fairly decent mood!! Well I wasn't up nor down - just OK. An impovement since the weekend - I didn't get out of bed the entire weekend (other than for toilet duties and a little food).
So, I started to think about things I want to do next year - map out some holidays, some motorbike riding abroad, and some music festivals I wouldn't mind going to - and then the mood came back.
I feel like a fraud. I've already told people "the plan". If I don't go through with it, I feel like the boy that cried wolf! There are two people that know, and they'll be thinking "attention seeking bastard...", and trust me - I'm not! More complications - and it's the last thing I need. I don't know if thinking like this has made me more determined to go ahead with it now or not. Screw all the plans and the forward planning....
Yes, I have things booked for next year - yes, I've already told some I'm not going (and my best friend why). There is a big full stop at the end of December. I'm not planning anything beyond that.
Plans were being made to spend Christmas with the best friend - well, the plans were being made of which I've since changed my mind - I want to be alone. I've also had offers of going abroad for Christmas too, but declined.
I hate the time of year anyway, detest it with a passion - I'm at my lowest around this time, so I'd rather be alone anyway. I hope my friend doesn't think that I've told him about me and my plan simply to put pressure on him to secure the Christmas invite - that is not the case. I'm a bit of a deep thinker like that. Hmm... Stil, now I have posted my thoughts on that here, that has now secured the fact that I'll not point him in the direction of this thread. You can't beat a little self destruction, can you?!
I even thought about not coming back to post here. Posting in the first place was a stupid mistake. Stupid! Stupid!
I shall write it down in the "book of things I regret" - if there is any room left in it. I'm looking forward to the end.
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michael
Member
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Posted Mon Oct 19th, 2009 3:04pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
I am glad that you have posted here! it sounds like you are a little frustrated that some of your friends may not understand you... and this is a place where you can say anything you want. you do NOT have to follow through on everything you say. no one does. i definitely cannot...i change my mind a lot, and that's HUMAN (and animal too) and OKAY. Not just okay, it's a great thing.
changing one's mind is not a dishonest thing. all of our lives progress through changing our minds. otherwise i would have never been toilet trained...lol...seriously though, i mean that.
do you own a motorbike? what kind?  you will immediately become Maxx's new best friend. 
keep up with those good plans for next year. write them down, do what you can little by little. the bad mood remains because it's a disease, an illness...like any other, does that make sense?
and keep talking
"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name
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michael
Member
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Posted Mon Oct 19th, 2009 3:05pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
p.s. what are your thoughts on trying out counseling again?
"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name
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marzgirl
Member
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Posted Mon Oct 19th, 2009 3:28pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Michael said "the bad mood remains because it's a disease, an illness...like any other, does that make sense?" Most of us would go to the doctor if we had a migraine, broken arm, chest pain, to manage diabetes..........I don't see any difference in seeing a doctor for this.
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
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katysara
Moderator
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Posted Mon Oct 19th, 2009 5:13pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
Don't worry about appearing a fraud - just say you changed your mind. It's important to be open about it because you want them to take you seriously next time, if, unfortunately, there is a next time.
I think everyone will be happy to have you around rather than not, and that will be their overwhelming emotion.
KSx
I am an administrator on this site.
"Having a great intellect is no path to being happy."
~ Stephen Fry
See my website: www.katysaraculling.com
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marzgirl
Member
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Posted Mon Oct 19th, 2009 5:34pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
To add to another thing Michael mentioned. Maxx is an avid motor biker. Loves to race and everything. Besides that he is just a delight. I think you would find commonality and a great friend in Maxx.
Everyone else here Michael, KS, CptSlow, Tito..........are all delightful and supportive. If given the chance I think you would find them to be strong advocates and friends to you.
XXX
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
~Martin Luther King Jr.~
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Maxx England
Member
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Posted Mon Oct 19th, 2009 6:28pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
m00c0w said:
Well, I've read what people have said since my last post and this morning, a rare thing happened. I was in a fairly decent mood!! Well I wasn't up nor down - just OK. An impovement since the weekend - I didn't get out of bed the entire weekend (other than for toilet duties and a little food).
So, I started to think about things I want to do next year - map out some holidays, some motorbike riding abroad, and some music festivals I wouldn't mind going to - and then the mood came back.
I feel like a fraud. I've already told people "the plan". If I don't go through with it, I feel like the boy that cried wolf! There are two people that know, and they'll be thinking "attention seeking bastard...", and trust me - I'm not! More complications - and it's the last thing I need. I don't know if thinking like this has made me more determined to go ahead with it now or not. Screw all the plans and the forward planning....
Plans were being made to spend Christmas with the best friend - well, the plans were being made of which I've since changed my mind - I want to be alone. I've also had offers of going abroad for Christmas too, but declined.
I hate the time of year anyway, detest it with a passion - I'm at my lowest around this time, so I'd rather be alone anyway. I hope my friend doesn't think that I've told him about me and my plan simply to put pressure on him to secure the Christmas invite - that is not the case.
It strikes me that there is something in your nature that makes you go through with things once you have given your word. This is generally an admirable thing, but the world is not a black and white place, there are shades and colours of action; the decision to "leave the country" is entirely in your hands, but we would all be surprised if the people who know of your plan were not hugely relieved if you told them you have changed your mind or extended the timetable.
What I'm saying is that you are entitled to take your time deciding. It's all your choice, and there is no external pressure on you to change direction, what we're saying here is that you have the right to back out of "leaving the country" and then try to find a way to peace that is not self destructive.
You're a human being with as much entitlement to happiness and fulfilment as the next. There are different ways of escaping the past. They can include finding a better future if you will let it come to you instead of drawing a line that you will not go beyond.
The bike, we'll talk about that later. I have many loopy friends, including one complete eejit who thinks it's fun to ride a Honda Cub to the Arctic Circle. In winter. Seriously.
The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?
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m00c0w
Member
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Posted Tue Oct 20th, 2009 10:07pm Post subject: I don't know what to do
"p.s. what are your thoughts on trying out counseling again?"
Well, I've been there and done that in the past and it made no odds. I've done a little reading on the forum about counselors wanting you to go to a "safe place" in your mind - that really isn't me and would never work. In fact, if I was told that I wouldn't go to any more sessions, that's how ridiculous I find that notion. I've done some strange role play in which in one chair I was the abuser and in the other chair I was the victim. I felt stupid doing that - the only good thing that came of that is that I got a hug from my counselor (he said he shouldn't but felt compelled to) - and then told me he was moving abroad - so that was that. The one person at the time who I could of just poured everything out to disappeared.
Going to the doctor about a broken arm is one thing. I can easily go and say "Doc. I think I've broken my arm". I can't go and say "Doc. I hate life and I want to kill myself".
I'm going to experiment with the GBL tonight. I'm taking a ml over the "recommended" dose to see what happens because I've got no idea what this stuff does. Only one way to find out, and if something does go wrong then now's the time.
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katysara
Moderator
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Posted Wed Oct 21st, 2009 6:13am Post subject: I don't know what to do
No no no no, these things are lethal even at 'normal' doses. Please contact us and tell us you are alive.
if you are alive you flirted with death. You should urgently see your gp and be honest.
KSx
I am an administrator on this site.
"Having a great intellect is no path to being happy."
~ Stephen Fry
See my website: www.katysaraculling.com
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m00c0w
Member
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Posted Wed Oct 21st, 2009 9:19am Post subject: I don't know what to do
It's OK - I'm here 
I slept well, I don't even remember going out.
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Maxx England
Member
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Posted Wed Oct 21st, 2009 9:50am Post subject: I don't know what to do
m00c0w said:
It's OK - I'm here
Simply - thank fuck. We were seriously worried about you. And that's not a figure of speech, we, the congregation of the damaged, were worried about you. You're a human being and worth looking after. Do us a favour, keep doing that breathing exercise, OK? In, out, in, out.
The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?
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tito
Member *
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Posted Wed Oct 21st, 2009 11:09am Post subject: I don't know what to do
m00c0w said:
"p.s. what are your thoughts on trying out counseling again?"
Well, I've been there and done that in the past and it made no odds. I've done a little reading on the forum about counselors wanting you to go to a "safe place" in your mind - that really isn't me and would never work. In fact, if I was told that I wouldn't go to any more sessions, that's how ridiculous I find that notion. I've done some strange role play in which in one chair I was the abuser and in the other chair I was the victim. I felt stupid doing that - the only good thing that came of that is that I got a hug from my counselor (he said he shouldn't but felt compelled to) - and then told me he was moving abroad - so that was that. The one person at the time who I could of just poured everything out to disappeared.
Going to the doctor about a broken arm is one thing. I can easily go and say "Doc. I think I've broken my arm". I can't go and say "Doc. I hate life and I want to kill myself".
I'm going to experiment with the GBL tonight. I'm taking a ml over the "recommended" dose to see what happens because I've got no idea what this stuff does. Only one way to find out, and if something does go wrong then now's the time.
Please stay safe and stay here with us. Please talk to a professional too. I know it's hard but you can, believe me, move forward.
Much love T xxx
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