STEPHEN FRY

M00c0W,

You have us all on edge now, we are really willing to help and listen. It's an illness, it needs treatment; what shook me most is how life can change because one's perspective on life changes... give it a try?!

Standing deeply worried behind KS in line,

CSlow

Hello M00c0w,

please don't step away. And don't feel uncomfortable either. So many of us here have been where you are right now.

We do understand.

Stick around M00c0w, No-one will hold anything against you.

T xxx

Please don't feel uncomfortable. We all want you to stay....

m00c0w said:
katysara - I'll not take it again for now. Last night wasn't an attempt by any means. I was feeling pretty average by my standards!

I didn't want you to all worry, that wasn't the idea. Now I feel uncomfortable, so I am going to step away for a bit. I don't know how long for but I promise I wont take any more between now and then. You have my word.

Thanks for leaving the message, m00c0w!

it's all totally okay, you're definitely welcome here anytime, all of us have been through similar things, and many of us have talked about it on here... like you are now. So hope to see you again soon

As you can see of the time of posting, I can't sleep - I'm not in a good place right now. I've reached for the GBL a few times this evening. I've opened the bottle, I've closed it again, I've opened it and held it to my lips, and then closed it and so on for probably the last hour or two. I've had a drink or three (i'm not drunk, but I know I've had a drink) in preparation because that's when GBL becomes it's most potent (apparently).

I'm in such a bad place right now, the effects of ending it all now aren't even a consideration (that would be my mum and best friend - my brother as I call him). I just want to end it. I'm VERY low, and this level of low doesn't happen often.

I work for the NHS and I am currently working for the Mental Health department. The name alone makes me cringe because when you (well, I) think of mental, I think of loonies in straight jackets, or people walking around in a daze as if they are on another planet with spit dribbling from their chin and rocking backwards and forwards - but there could so easily be a orange "Highly Confidential" folder with MY name on it, and I could so easily be sitting in that blue chair - it makes me feel so, so uncomfortable that I will probably never go and see anyone about me.

And now I am at this rare level of low I want to punish myself. I hate myself. I'm worthless, a nothing, a nobody - and the world and everything in it is just so fucking pointless. I hate who I am. I mean - who wants to be gay? I don't! I hate it! If I could carve it out of me, I would. I'm never going to be able to tell my family - my dad would kill me (and that is no exaggeration). The rest of the family would make fun of me - and I've had enough of that through my childhood. I feel ashamed and worthless - dirty and unworthy.

I've been with women just to make it look like I'm straight - but who am I trying to kid?

I hate my job, hate the fact I have underachieved, I'm a failure. I I hate - well I just have a hate for everything.

Someone jumped in front of a tube this evening. I hope they managed to kill themselves. If only I could do it. All it will take is a few gulps - I have the answer here in my lap - and still, I can't do it.

WHY!!!???

Still, if I don't do it before, I know I'll do it on new years. I have several alarms, on my computer, on my phone that simply flag up the words "DO IT" at midnight - but fuck waiting. I'm ready.

Hi m00c0w,

I'm strugling with sleep too and I have enough chloral hydrate(a lethal sedative) to kill 10 men... like you I can't sleep and I have a deadline, not new years, but when i am 35 - but my deadline is more ambiguous and less set in stone than yours. Sounds like yours is decided upon. I hate New Years - is that why you chose it?

Be careful with you drinking because you are more likely to say fuck it and do the deed. Alcohol is a factor in many suicides.

Opening and closing the bottle, holding it to you lips - sounds like you are right on the edge anyway. Does it taste foul? Yes it does become more potent with alcohol but that doesn't matter with the amount you have.

"I'm in such a bad place right now, the effects of ending it all now aren't even a consideration (that would be my mum and best friend - my brother as I call him). I just want to end it. I'm VERY low, and this level of low doesn't happen often."

I remember that level of low. It's the lowest you go and is really worrying. I really wish you would see your GP. Then I read this part about your fear of ending up with an orange folder... I'd say don't worry about it, I have folders 6 folders thick in Oxford and 4 folders thick in Derby. They don't effect my life in any way, but the help i received saved my life many times over.

"when you (well, I) think of mental, I think of loonies in straight "jackets, or people walking around in a daze as if they are on "another planet with spit dribbling from their chin and rocking "backwards and forwards"

You do know this is inaccurate for most psych patients don't you? Especially not patients with a mood disorder.

" I hate myself. I'm worthless, a nothing, a nobody - and the world and everything in it is just so fucking pointless."

I'm sorry that you hate yourself. I quite like you. You're definitely not worthless or a nobody. As for the world, well I struggle to argue with you there but that's because i'm depressed.

"I hate who I am. I mean - who wants to be gay? I don't! I hate it! If I could carve it out of me, I would. I'm never going to be able to tell my family - my dad would kill me (and that is no exaggeration). The rest of the family would make fun of me - and I've had enough of that through my childhood. I feel ashamed and worthless - dirty and unworthy."

I'm gay, or bi I'm not really sure. That doesn't mean I run around screwing anyone. I'm 34, had 4 partners, 2 of which I lost to suicide - one straight, one gay. All my partners were/are bipolar. Sexuality is something you are born with, not something to feel dirty about. This is Mr Fry's board, there are many gay people here.

And I may be 34 but my parents don't know. Their reaction would be.... not good.

"I hate my job, hate the fact I have underachieved, I'm a failure. I I hate - well I just have a hate for everything."

You have time. Time to change. Time to do something else.

Please don't do it. Consider you do have a future. I killed myself once or twice. Once I took a massive OD of heroin and died, but they managed to revive me. If they hadn't I wouldn't be in the middle of writing my 3rd book right now. I am extremely proud of my books. Sure I have times when I wish they'd arrived a minute later but I am proud of my books which wouldn't exist if I didn't. Think of something you'd like to do, not now, for now you need to focus on surviving - getting rid of that bottle - or putting it somewhere out of reach so you are not holding it and contemplating all the time.

Hugs
KSx

It's good to see you posting again M00C0w.

I don't feel I can add much to what people have already said here. I just want you to know it's nice to know you are talking to the forum again.

Thankyou, Tito xxxx