I was diagnosed with Manic Depression about 5 years ago and it is a daily tiring struggle to keep it under control. For some strange reason I decided that about 4 years ago I would get myself out of my situation(had to give up work) and become a DJ which I thought would help me come out of myself and be more sociable.
The problem is that I am quite succesful at it but I have to put on a very good act to become my 'DJ' persona.
I have set myself a target of New Years Eve 2009 to give it up because I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep up the pretense. At the end of the night its soooo nice to get in the van and have a slow ride home alone with my thoughts(and radio 4 sometimes). I now have a baby daughter as well(14 months old) who is quite demanding and tiring on me as I look after her 2 days a week and go to university another 2 days a week.
I get this desire for some stupid reason to try to keep myself busy but it is absolutely wiping me out and I feel something is going to give.
I am doing the degree course to try and get back in to work because I feel guilty that i had to give up. My wife is very supportive but I feel sometimes that she resents the lifestyle we had to give up. I had a very good job with a six figure salary, nice big house, 4 cars, holidays abroad and now we live in a small ex council semi with one income.
Sorry for the ramble but I am just getting ready to go out to another gig tonight and I have to try and motivate myself to perform and put on the act. I just wish sometimes I could take my brain out and swap with someone else just for a few days for a bit of respite. Other days I try to think well whats the worst that can happen but then I over analyse everything like I work out that I will be dead by the age of 80 and now being 40 thats an average of just 50 holidays left to take!! A car every 4 to 5 years so thats only about 8 more cars I am going to own!! So tiring just thinking all the time.
Thats it I have rambled enough, time to perform darlings.....the lights...the roar of the crowd....the greasepaint....OK I know I am overacting slightly now.