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michael


Member

Posted Wed Jul 15th, 2009 11:57pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
:( :(


i feel like i'm going crazy.

i keep getting so frustrated by anything, like ... having to tell someone my real name or ... seeing people flirting with guys with mild muscles and some body hair

because i am male, and my body is not! i am constantly convinced of it! don't they see, that guy with an athletic build, is me too!

there are so many people who also have bodies that they dislike in SOME way, maybe EVERYone. but this is like...feeling trapped! why? surely it's not that big a deal?

sometimes i think, hey, slow down, this is the body you were given, deal with it. everyone else does. someone should like you for you. and if they are only attracted to men, and DO NOT SEE YOU as a MAN, then LET IT GO.

besides i do not have the money, the hope, or the bravery to change it if i could. i am brave, but i'm afraid that this may be my limit!

maybe i can make some sort of compromise with the situation?

argh :'( it makes me cry!!

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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IdeaCollector


Member

Posted Thu Jul 16th, 2009 6:09am Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
*Hugs* Sorry you are having a rough go hun.

Being transgender must be soo hard.

If it helps though...I think you are great!

I used to be EternalStudent on these forums until the switch over. So don't get excited..I'm not someone new and exciting. I'm just me :P

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michael


Member

Posted Thu Jul 16th, 2009 6:18pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
*Hugs* Sorry you are having a rough go hun.

Being transgender must be soo hard.

If it helps though...I think you are great!

of course it does specially from cool people like you.

tbh i didn't consider myself that for a long time, just identified with people who are.
but now i look enough male that i have different interactions with people, and i am treated like a different person, etc...like half of the wierdness people get with transitioning already happens to me even though i haven't.

i don't know what i'll do.

some people are able to walk a line.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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michael


Member

Posted Thu Jul 16th, 2009 8:32pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
transmogrifier:

http://calvinandhobbes.wikia.com/wiki/Transmogrifier

and how come plots of calvin and hobbes comics are so funny-in a new way- when told in a wikipedia type deadpan debriefing??

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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michael


Member

Posted Thu Jul 16th, 2009 8:36pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
heeehhhhhhhhhhhh....

i was a lot like calvin when i was a kid.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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andrealein


Member

Posted Thu Jul 16th, 2009 11:28pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
Ahhh... I Iove Calvin a lot!

And it's hard or even impossible for me to imagine what being in your situation feels like. Of course there are parts of my body that I don't like that much (a bit of workout could help to make that better - although my nose wouldn't become smaller) but still it feels like me. So I don't think it's really close to what you're experiencing.

maybe i can make some sort of compromise with the situation?
I don't know you so well, but I really hope you can. Or find the courage to change something. You seem like a strong person, so you should find you way - whatever that may be. Don't cry! Or cry and feel better afterwards. *hugs*

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michael


Member

Posted Mon Jul 20th, 2009 4:43pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
oh, thank you andrealein! *hugsback*

i think about it back and forth a lot.

when i'm on my own and in a good mood i love myself, and i'd rather have what i am than the possibility of some botched surgery or hormones that would change my appearance so much i'd probably feel dysphoric in another way.

it's relationships and interactions with other people that push me off into these panicky kinda feelings.

people have lots of different reasons for going ahead with hormones&surgery, etc...but if i think about it while calmed down, it doesn't seem like it's for me. a lot of people really need the change to survive. maybe i'm not like that.. if others treated me like a male without me going through any of that, i would be happy.

someone on another forum i'm on (that's made for these conversations, lol) said "some people can be trained!" and i laughed.

yeah, it's not exactly like having a nose you don't like... but maybe that's just because what society assigns to your nose is not as huge as what society assigns to our gender. it's different because of that, but wouldn't it be nice if it wasn't!

and besides, maybe to other people, your nose is beautiful! (i haven't seen it haha )how would i feel if someone thought i was beautiful as inbetween male and female? i think i'd feel okay with it. so for right now, maybe changing it is not what i need.

but i can definately understand that it is right for lots of people.

that was long whoops

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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Nitro


Member

Posted Tue Jul 21st, 2009 5:22am Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
Just curious michael, when you say you want others to "...treat me like a male..." what do you mean? Maybe part of your struggle is dealing with social programming, gender cliches etc of your own? I don't mean that to sound snarky or anything at all...

Do you mean like they should feel free to give you a slug in the shoulder ( in a friendly/joking way, for example ) and others to tell you to go pick up that hammer and others to NOT cry...but then you meet people who don't think that like that at all...that's what I asked what you mean/expect in terms of being 'treated like a male'...and realize not all men are going to behave towards all men the same way...you don't go slugging a guy smaller than you ( because there's an assumption of weakness, right or wrongly, or being seen as some swaggering asshole that throws his greater strengths around on smaller guys....)...dunno if that makes sense or not...and some men and women raised in rural areas will have social manners/expectations than those raised in, for instance, an environment of sophisticated manners...maybe the real 'answer' for you is to move somehow into a social group more suited to your own ideas and stuff...more humane versus rougher....dunno if that makes any sense or not....

Really? Wow.

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Maxx England


Member

Posted Tue Jul 21st, 2009 3:41pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
I just tried posting a reply and it disappeared. So this is version 2.

I don't have any insight into gender divergence so I'm flying a bit blind on this, but I'd like to offer one insight about appearance; bear in mind I'd like to be 6 feet tall, handsome and have a full head of hair, but none of that's going to happen.

Too often the expense and pain of surgical and hormonal intervention in outward appearance is unsatisfactory in it's results. Surgery will always have post operative pain attached and any parts de-tached won't be available for re-attachment if you change your mind later. Not saying don't ever think about doing it, but be aware of the flaws and risks involved.

Mentally, you say you feel masculine, I can't say one way or the other if you present in mental attitudes as masculine, I don't know you well enough to make any comment. Do you find yourself gravitating into masculine company and doing masculine things? Is the gearbox of a car more important to you than the latest fashions or makeup? Do sports hold a fascination for you that women find baffling? I ask, with all the kindness in me towards them, do women baffle and frustrate you with their illogicality and apparent randomness in mood and behaviour?

What I can say, both for myself and on behalf of everyone here, is that we all hope you find a place to be yourself, be happy and, knowing how important this is for most of us, you find the right person to be happy with.

The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?

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michael


Member

Posted Tue Jul 21st, 2009 5:46pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
that makes sense Nitro, and it's not snarky.

i should've said: Most people do treat me as male at first, and their intuition is right! But i can't carry that off completely and strange stuff happens when they realize i'm female.

True, there is the kind of stuff you mentioned, (hammers, not-crying, slugging) but that doesn't bother me. It's there, but those were the issues when i was a child... i deal with all that kinda by reflex now. And while i don't have many friends where i live right now, I do have great friends, where i moved away from, that just naturally "get" me, and it's never been an issue because we're too busy having fun.

i know that probly doesn't answer your question... when i said "treat me like a male" i was thinking mostly of sex and dating
(i mean stuff like "don't touch that" "hope you can get used to this" etc. it would take some talking and a lot of understanding)

i also know that, if i was more masculine looking/sounding than i am already, i would be safer in some ways, but not in others.

and those 2 things aren't really me wanting the change, it's me reacting to how people interact with me, and trying to fix it. i can fix it in other ways, i hope.

even if i was a transitioned FTM, i'd still have difficulties with relationships and my personal safety... it was realizing that i ALREADY have those problems, without making a decision to transition, that kinda snuck up on me and made me sad.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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michael


Member

Posted Tue Jul 21st, 2009 6:09pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier

Too often the expense and pain of surgical and hormonal intervention in outward appearance is unsatisfactory in it's results. Surgery will always have post operative pain attached and any parts de-tached won't be available for re-attachment if you change your mind later. Not saying don't ever think about doing it, but be aware of the flaws and risks involved.

yeah, you're right maxx, that's partly why i don't think i want it. it's not really some magic wand! not to mention, that's a step that throws families, employment, health insurance eligibility, and all sorts of things into chaos.

as far as masculine stuff goes...heh, there is some of that... like riding a bike full tilt while listening to motley crue and eating beef jerky... and yet i'm not 100% "masculine", and i don't want to be. (i don't actually like motley crue, it just kinda happened)

a lot of it is different from those kinds of things (makeup vs trucks)...like a very real feeling that my body is missing something, or if not missing something, it is definately not a woman's body. my body changed drastically when i was 21, like second puberty.. shoulders widened and i put on muscle fairly easy (not like the hulk) and i sweat totally differently, have a hairy neck (why not on my face? shrug)

And i read in a list of things... something about "consider these things before you transition"... one was, "you can never be completely male or female, so understand that your body will always be inbetween and considered freakish by many people." i already feel like that... just like the safety issues, and dating issues, i already have that, maybe that's why i relate to transpeople even if not transitioned. and they understand me.

What I can say, both for myself and on behalf of everyone here, is that we all hope you find a place to be yourself, be happy and, knowing how important this is for most of us, you find the right person to be happy with.

aw, thanks! true, it's really the same kinds of things everyone deals with in some way or another thanks for the good wishes, same to you all

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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Maxx England


Member

Posted Tue Jul 21st, 2009 6:17pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
Body hair - hope you don't have to comb your shoulders first thing in the morning like I do. The head just needs polishing, but the shoulders, oh dear.

Sounds to me though like you got extra testosterone from somewhere, is there a family history?

The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?

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michael


Member

Posted Tue Jul 21st, 2009 6:33pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
Body hair - hope you don't have to comb your shoulders first thing in the morning like I do. The head just needs polishing, but the shoulders, oh dear.

Sounds to me though like you got extra testosterone from somewhere, is there a family history?

no, not nearly so much hair! just random hairs on my neck like my dad has. even if i was male, i wouldn't have much body hair, cause of the cherokee.

i don't know of a family history with that...but i've gone to docs with other assorted things and had blood tested for other hormone stuff (it's always done before prescribing antideps, etc)

i've kinda decided in my mind that there's something going on in there, partly because it gives me a feeling of validity LOL!

harmful stuff has been ruled out as far as i know, so, that's good.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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Nitro


Member

Posted Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 2:52am Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
Body hair - hope you don't have to comb your shoulders first thing in the morning like I do. The head just needs polishing, but the shoulders, oh dear.

Sounds to me though like you got extra testosterone from somewhere, is there a family history?

There are a TON of bio-chemical things going on in the human body, that most males and females do not know about. For instance, most people don't know that every baby starts out 'female'. Or that women have microscopic testicles and men fallopian tubes. I could go on but won't...

Many, many definitions of 'masculintiy' or 'femininity' are created not by Evolution, but by social and cultural influences.

What many men think of themselves is not something, no matter how much they protest or wish it to be so, can be blamed on having testicles. And it's long since been understood the biggest sex organ is the brain.

One man may find the idea of "goin' frog-giggin' and slammin' some beers", or driving a truck, or trading punches as repellant. IOW, they are not identified by the activities/perceptions of that group because they simply weren't born into it or familiar with it. Not all men have such fragile egos, but TV and the media would have you believe it's so. They'd also have you believe men are unthinking, stupid, and reflexively oriented.

Many males do NOT develop heavy musculature and there are more and more women who DO, and do so naturally. Some women are better born into athletics and others would have to work very, very hard for a physique giving them any kind of advantage in order to, for instance, do the long jump or run hurdles or rock climb ( insert something else hyper-active ).

Many men, and this fact is particularly hard on boys whose familial genetics predispose them to carry fat or think like engineers ( versus quarterbacks ), are physically 'slight' and don't develop wide shoulders. I've seen enough pear-shaped men to know this is true. That's just how they're born.

So, 'masculinity' is flexible whereas 'male' is not. This is also true of 'femininity' and 'female'. It is cultural definitions that tend to cause individuals of both genders a lot of discomfort if they do not fit into 'the norm' or 'the status quo' of the group.

Boys who prefer cooking, dance, and knitting are going to be chewed up far harder than girls who prefer playing with trucks, wrestling, or playing Halo all the time. Not by their family necessarily ( though that happens of course ) but certainly at school, where children bring their parents bigotries in. That changes in some parts of the world when the girl becomes an adult and is suddenly expected to 'act feminine' and start wearing high heels and getting big blobs of plastic stuffed under their chests to appear more 'womanly'. Many young girls are perfectly content to be called Tom-boys, but at that age when boys become important to them, ( puberty or adulthood ), they now have a 'complex' put on them externally. I've had a couple of female friends who've gone through that. Fortunately, they said,"Fuck it, I like to ride motorcyles and I like to climb rocks. If some guy's intimidated by that, he ain't for me." and they tend to have other female freinds who are more interested in being active, than worrying about their nail polish.

I believe the issue of how different one womans body can be from another womans body, or males from males, really screws up a lot of peoples heads. It makes them unhappy with themselves, however they define their sexuality ( straight, bi, gay, lesbian..). All of this is where I was coming from in my reply to you. I wish I had something more useful to offer in terms of the current social pool you're swimming in. But hang in there, you never know what's around the next corner



Really? Wow.

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michael


Member

Posted Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 4:39pm Post subject: i need a transmogrifier
So, 'masculinity' is flexible whereas 'male' is not. This is also true of 'femininity' and 'female'. I

heehee...actually...'male' and 'female' are flexible too...i guess you could say that's what transgendered people are, what makes them different from tomboys, etc...? make sense?

you're definitely right that social ideas about what's normal for a gender are detrimental.
a better public understanding of that would help transpeople, and vice versa!

but tomboys and less-macho guys aren't necessarily transgendered, (well...i guess it depends on a person's definition of it. i go with what the person tells me, if a tomboy said "i'm transgendered" to me, then yeah they are...if they said "i'm a female" then yes they are.)

Anyways, (do i sound like bertie wooster rambling on about seaweed?) the world becomes massively different when crossing that line. that's kinda why i struggle with it...i'm on the line, enough that i can see how scary it is for them.

i don't know WHY it's so different. i know that transpeople have a 1in 12 chance of being murdered, compared to the typical 1 in 18000...but WHY? i have no idea. i've gotten LOOKS from people, when my presence says "male" more than "boyish looking lady", and they put a level of anxiety in me like what i'd get when cleaning the lions' den at the zoo. LOL, and now that i think about it, i react the same way: don't make eye contact, do what ya gotta do, then go somewhere else for a breather.

i can't tell if i'm overexplaining or underexplaining, stop me anytime.

http://www.hrc.org/issues/1508.htm

i'm truly thankful for your support! This has given me a chance to practice talking to people about this outside of forums full of transpeople. and it makes me very happy to read everyone's responses

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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