STEPHEN FRY

I had to go to this thing at work today where we learned what our predominant colour energy is.

A few months ago we answered a lot of multi-choice questions - stuff like, 'I feel I am a) More introverted and less optimistic, b) More relaxed and less determined, c) More impatient and less thrifty d) More depressed and less fastidious,' and not a single one of them made sense to me, and so I just randomly clicked on any answer for all of them.

So now apparently it's spit out my personality profile

There's a list of 'strategies for communicating' with me. One of them is, 'Make sure that information is accurate and complete.' Well, that's wrong right there. Because I love information to be false and with enormous gaps in it.

When communicating with me, you must not assume that I do not wish to empathise. True again, amazingly. Just the other day someone assumed that I didn't wish to empathise, and I cut off their head with a meat cleaver. You also mustn't 'implement change for change's sake'. Well, it's funny, because I was talking to this guy last week, and he put on a silly hat halfway through the conversation just for the heck of it, and I strangled him with some dental floss.

Among my key strengths is the fact that I live 'in and for the moment.' Wrong again. I live in the day before yesterday and for next Tuesday.

My conscious colour wheel position is located in the Accomodating ring of the sky-blue 'co-ordinator' area, on a grey, transitional spoke. My Sub-conscious wheel position is on the Focused ring in the Supporting Coordinator area. I also, apparently unusually, have a streak of sunshine yellow, which is polar opposite to sky-blue, and as such fall into only 8% of the population that combine these colour traits.

If I'm frank, this whole profile is of no use to me. I don't know what I was expecting, though. I would've been freaking out if it had been genuinely accurate. Like:

Personal Style:

Andrew is a quiet, cynical transsexual. He spends far too much on DVDs. His imaginary sex-life with Hugh Laurie may be holding him back in the business of mundane, everyday life. His mild religious guilt and crippling neuroses prevent him from becoming the prominent public figure he could be. His showerhead needs replacing.

Strengths:

Uses scissors precisely and accurately

Remembers complex song lyrics amazingly well

Is amazing at 'The Settlers 4'

Weaknesses:

Fondness for overpriced beanbags

Gets unreasonably angry at car adverts

Sits too long on the toilet reading until his poo dries and it's harder to wipe off

When communicating with Andrew, DO:

Assume he wants to discuss the controversial conclusion to the final season of House: MD.

Stand to his left - this is his best side.

Offer him a coconut mushroom. These are his favourite sweet

When communicating with Andrew NO NOT:

Use French, Dutch or Semaphore. He understands none of these

Say, 'are you a boy?' and when he answers, 'yes,' reply, 'Are you sure?'

Try to tell him what colour his personality is.