STEPHEN FRY

Hey Tracy,
I would mention it to the psych and just tell them that you hadn't thought of it as self harm as you'd always considered that to be cutting and such.

I can understand it as I have done something similar myself although never understood why I did. :-//

The psych will be able to help you - I'm sure.

Don't worry about posting on here- that's what it's for!

Take care.
M

...

To me, self-harm is any act commited against yourself that leaves you feeling somewhat bad. Overexercise, starvation, bulimia, binge drinking, sex with dubious persons, cutting, the works. If it causes emotional pain, it's self-harming in my little book.

ooh.
I agree.

I agree that it is just another form of self-harm, but it is probably not one that the professionals would consider as typical (and hence take much notice of). I think Inducible put it well with the winged horse vs unicorn hallucination point. Your actions are not typical self-harm, but they are self-destructive and you are doing it to hurt yourself. I think the lines between bingeing to self-harm and bingeing as part of an eating disorder are quite blurred. Do you think you have an eating disorder?

Out of interest, are you actually diabetic? Because if you are, and you are doing this and not using insulin then it is very serious indeed.

KSx

Firstly, I want to thank you all for your brilliant, kind and interesting advice.

Katysara, you are right about the eating disorder side to things. I think the lines between bingeing to self-harm and bingeing as part of an eating disorder are quite blurred. Do you think you have an eating disorder?

Yes, you are right, I have gone from one form of eating disorder to another since my teenage years. I find it difficult to eat 'normally' for any length of time. In fact, I have just finished on the phone to an old friend of mine who is a pshychiatric nurse and who also counsells people with eating disorders. He thinks that I'm purely seeking comfort when I'm feeling rough. He also sees that I'm punishing myself (can't believe I'm writing this - sounds so fucked up) but doesn't think that it's actual self harm because there is no immediate 'release'. He actually gave me some really good advice that I want to share. He says that it is really important not to over analyse and become the diagnosis. He told me that he's seen it happen to a lot of people he has known with B.P. and that ultimately it is important to remember who you are underneath it all. It may sound very basic, but for me it is like a hand pulling me back up. I only got officially diagnosed 3 weeks ago (feels like 3 months) and it's all I've been able to think about - disecting every part of my behaviour, emotions and relationships past and present. I'm going to try to remember that I'm Tracy first.

Out of interest, are you actually diabetic? Because if you are, and you are doing this and not using insulin then it is very serious indeed.

I am diabetic, but do not use insulin (yet), but take tablets. I know that I'm being very stupid. I don't check my bloods at all. Although I don't care much at the moment, part of me does worry that I'll come to regret it when I start to fall apart in the future. I have seen various counsellors in the past but they just listened - although I felt like I was screaming for help on the inside. Frustration eventually lead me to give up the sessions. I know that I need to ask for help properly and to the right people. I will do this next time. I can't go on like this. I know that it is self destruction.

Again, thanks to Maniac, HeartfeltDawn, Inducible, Katysara and Panda for your helpful and kind replies. Sorry for not replying to them all - just really tired after a hard day. Going to resist the urge to get the Ben and Jerry's from the freezer and have another cigarette instead - Doh

Tracy xxx

I too starved myself. I was anorexic from the age of 15 - 28. I think I did it in part to cope with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I found the eating disorder numbed me quite well. I also have many scars from self-harm on my left arm and both legs.... Not cut for 5 years now though. Not since I got the bipolar disorder under control.

I think that (my own experience) is why I picked up on the eating disorder possibility.

Now I don't want to lecture but I am really worried about your diabetic status Tracy. I worked at OCDEM (Oxford Centre for Diabetes, Endocrinology and Metabolism) for 3 years before I moved to psychiatry. I worked mostly with type II diabetics, which you must be if you aren't on insulin. You are risking organ failure, blindness, and all sorts of horrors (amputation) if you don't keep your blood glucose under control. I KNOW it's hard. My mum's diabetic and struggles, though she does pretty well. Please don't bury your head in the sand about this issue. Please.

You have a bit of a grace period because you are only just coming to terms with your diagnosis; I know that must be tough. Don't worry about writing things that are fucked up. We all do fucked up things, as Andy said. (And I didn't think what you wrote was fucked up anyway, it was honest).

I too resort to the evil cigarettes.

Best,
KSx