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WhyGenTom


Member

Posted Thu Nov 8th, 2012 11:41pm Post subject: It's been so very long

Good evening to you all,

I have been away from this forum for what I suspect is coming up to 4 years.

http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/6-years-of-h.....al-torture

I haven't actually been anywhere - following on from the post above I've spent almost 18 months in complete isolation, and the more recent 2 years in full-time work. Not all doom and gloom... but a bounty of tales, smiles, tears, dellusion, relationships made and ruined and rage. Bipolar? Unipolar? Maybe. All the signs have been acknowledged, but sadly NHS Lincolnshire isn't exactly top of the range of health care, let alone mental health care, so I've had to go along with the flow rather than feel treated. Also, in recent months I've found having a job - regardless of anything else - is a big tick in the 'fully operational' box. Those in charge might have a thing to say about that, but no matter.

I've come back partly due to a recent spell of severe depression (I'm seeing something of a light) and what can be best described as a 'quarter life crisis', a lack of direction and a dream that's so hard to find a path to (writing and comedy in some measure). Coming out of depression, I'm finding things very difficult to talk about, both lyrically in that I don't know how I feel or why I feel it, and also in the sense that I don't feel it will help. Also, the recent series of Red Dwarf on Dave has brought back some memories of old times and this forum, and those on it always sits fondly with me - it's just taken me a little while to pluck up the courage to re-introduce myself to what I suspect is a group of people who never remember me, or have happily forgotten me.

Regardless, I hope all the old faces are keeping well and all the new ones are finding this resource and the people are kind, helpful and compassionate as I did in one of my darkest moments.

Tom


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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Fri Nov 9th, 2012 7:04pm Post subject: It's been so very long

I remember, and welcome back WGT

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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elTweeno


Member

Posted Fri Nov 9th, 2012 9:51pm Post subject: It's been so very long

Welcome back! I remember you, and I'm glad you're beginning to see your way out of a darker spell.

I, too, have been away for quite some time, and have returned in the hope of a little community spirit to lift my own spirits, so i can understand your motives for returning, completely.

I hope this place is still as kind and helpful to you as you remember it being.

eT

I'm also on Twitter: elTweeno (of course!)

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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Sat Nov 10th, 2012 3:50am Post subject: It's been so very long

Welcome back, elTweeno ( cos I see you on FB)

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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elTweeno


Member

Posted Sat Nov 10th, 2012 9:20pm Post subject: It's been so very long

Thanks Toby

I won't be posting on Facebook for a while, being spied on for the purpose of using things against me by my soon-to-be 'family' has put me off social networking for the time being!

eT

I'm also on Twitter: elTweeno (of course!)

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WhyGenTom


Member

Posted Mon Nov 26th, 2012 10:43pm Post subject: It's been so very long

It's funny you should mention Facebook ... a rather painful and drawn out break up for myself since the weekend. Two years together and I've chosen the silence and isolation again and Facebook is being used as something as a propagnda tool against me. As much as I hate it... social media... and as much as I hate mobile phones, I can't seem to live without. Is that addiction or a really primitive and childish need for attention? I'll probably never be able to pluck up the courage to face the truth on that one.

It's funny I should have posted back here a couple of weeks ago... since then I've spent 2 weeks destroying a 2 year relationship, ignorant to everything kicking off around me and making plans to go to Alaska for a couple of weeks next year as a sighter to get away from this place in the hope I find something that might keep me entertained for a few years on savings until I have to come back and face the fact life isn't what I was hoping it would be. The line "I'm heading tonight for Alaska, and I want you to come in the Spring..." from a song 'Sun Green' by Neil Young is etched in my head and I can't shake it. There's no validation for it... Alaska seems like the only place I could go where the civilisation speaks my language, the wilderness is near enough to be safely hidden in and there's no spiders to ruin my fun. What would I do when I got there? Who knows. Sit in a hotel room and cry about how much I miss home no doubt.

I'm aware that this isn't exactly sane talk... especially as a loner from the British countryside who hasn't travelled before. Infact I can't even drive. But I'm more aware of obsessive compulsive thoughts and tasks, disturbed sleep and violent mood swings and lapses in incredibly short term memory. I've been relatively calm, all-be-it depressed, in the last couple of years so this is something of a concern in all honesty. Especially that I have an awareness of it. 'Breaking point' would be the phrase. Perhaps. I've been to madness before and I don't think I truley 'broke', I just found solice in silence and isolation. Comedy and music was the cure. I don't laugh at stuff I find funny any more ... Black Books? The funniest sit com ever written and the sensation a joke brings, the internal spile is more one of embarassment and annoyance. I have been pumped full of some crap since the end of last month, a standard anti-depressant, so maybe this is all part of the journey but I was honestly better where I was. At least I was consistent. That's what I've lost, consistency.

Also, I feel pent up. Which isn't unusual, but to the point where I feel in the right situation with a bit of 'rash' logic, which is again unlike me, I would say and do things that I wouldn't dare usually. There's a lot of physically repulsive, self important and know it all people at work I day dream about shouting in the faces and stamping on the heads off, and well... as I say, consistency isn't an option at the moment.

I mentioned 'breaking point' - I feel closer to a sense of giving up than I've ever felt. I've always had a little light of hope that because my life is relatively comfortable and I always felt if work got too much, or relationships, or socialising, I can come back here and have the comfort and security to just hide. I can afford not to work for a little while - I'm very stingy with money, so nearly 3 years of working has left a little pot doing nothing. Also scarily, that money can take me whereever I want... yet I'm still here. All these things have made that little light of hope fade to memories of being young, assuming things would work themselves out for me and not having to chase them. Never the less, the relatity has very much hit home that to get anything out of life, you have to hunt it. I don't know what I want, I never have, and I now truley believe I never will. Whatever I have is not enough, I'll always be looking for something more at times like this, and something less when those times of searching for more get too much.

I type this on the day one of only two remaining close friends, all of 23 (same as me), has just had treatment for cancer and has been told he still has to go through a few weeks of chemo, so whilst I type out this whingey rant, there's also a tremendous sense of self pity and loathing that these self caused issues are the cause for complaint when someone so close is suffering something so much worse and out of their control.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this all out in rage here rather than talking to people... sorry to use you in that respect, but the 'pity' the 'real world' (for lack of a better phrase) doesn't interest me. I used to be happy to talk about it, especially with anxiety... addressing it with people made me comfortable to behave how I needed to behave. I don't think I can justify any of this. It's just pure venom, internal and external hate, restlessness and despair.

Oh, and apparently the doctors surgery who could at best offer me a 'telephone appointment' 2 weeks ahead of time and then didn't bother actually calling me... for me to phone and get a response of 'he's not here, you'll have to call back tomorrow and make another appointment'. Now I've brought that back up maybe my anger's a touch valid.

This all started as a quick comment about Facebook but hey-ho, here I am complaining at great length. I'm at the mercy of demons again, I'm aware of this and as each phase passes I'm becoming aware of my behaviour and what I'm doing. It seems to be in episodes, very short and direct, very purposefully destructive and hopeful and hopeless in very short spells of time.

Neil Young's album Tonight's the Tonight album, when released on vinyl, had linear notes of a letter in Dutch. The reason? Because it meant everything he felt, but he couldn't read it, and everything was Dutch to him at the time. That comes to mind, for reasons I can't fully fit together.

Oh well. I'm sure I'll read this back with complete embarassment soon enough.

I sometimes feel it's a shame I don't have it in me to end it all... I always thought I would write a tremendous, artistic and meaningfully meaningless suicide note. Never mind.


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elTweeno


Member

Posted Wed Nov 28th, 2012 9:33pm Post subject: It's been so very long

Hi WGT

I'm not sure you were looking for an answer, and to be honest I can't seem to answer my own thoughts right now, so I won't patronise you with a guess at a response.

I hope writing your rant helped a bit. Maybe just a tiny, tiny weight off your shoulders?

Anyhow, just wanted you to know someone read your post, and if it helps at all, I empathised a lot. With the need to get away, the rapid changes in mood/hope...just, a lot of it.

Hope you find something to cling onto soon. In the meantime, continue to rant if it helps!

eT

I'm also on Twitter: elTweeno (of course!)

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WhyGenTom


Member

Posted Thu Nov 29th, 2012 7:48pm Post subject: It's been so very long

Tuesday: I print off a load of pictures of my face and deface a colleagues calendar to much laughter.
Wednesday: Off "sick" (aka. sleeping and too tired to make up an excuse) and bottle going to the doctors just nodding saying everything's fine.
Thursday: A full moon at 8am, weird as hell, and the same switch going on and off. Phone call from an apathetic doctor. Manipulated and guilt tripped into going to see my ex for a chat (wish me luck).

I just want words to describe it all so I can hold out for help. I support it's like being on the verge of panic and losing control and sense of reality in pulses. Acompanied by a level sense of overactivity and an energy more comparible to a headache than anything pleasant.

Does that make sense?


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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Sat Dec 1st, 2012 7:35pm Post subject: It's been so very long

WhyGenTom said:

I just want words to describe it all so I can hold out for help. I support it's like being on the verge of panic and losing control and sense of reality in pulses. Acompanied by a level sense of overactivity and an energy more comparible to a headache than anything pleasant.

Does that make sense?

It does, particularly the panic and loss of control. How are you coping?

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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WhyGenTom


Member

Posted Mon Dec 3rd, 2012 1:45am Post subject: It's been so very long

The energy's passed a bit and I've fallen completely dependent on sleep. Not unusual for me, but not something that's been an issue for the last few weeks

Still I'm quite obsessed with trying to find the words to explain it but it feel so dettached.

I got lost in a town on my own on Friday, having been sent to Spalding by work. Gave me some isolation, and a small, safe sense of adventure and carelessness. It just fueled the desire to get away which I've been researching obsessively. I'm not going to turn up an airport and go tomorrow (I haven't got a car, that's been for the best more than once) but it doesn't seem a rediculas idea to take a few weeks in Alaska next year to take in some perspective.

This is the polar opposite to giving up, which is good. Right? I've never been the type to think I want to give up, not in any real sense. Often a step removed, thinking like... 'I wish I could just end it all' or hoping things will happen that are out of my control, but never within reach of acting on anything myself.

That said, I'm lucky enough to be in a position where I can hide away from the world and not worry about the real world without the consequences others might.

Like I said before, the effect isn't overpoweringly negative... it's a nervous panic when faced with life. Not in a social way, but in that everything around me leaves an impression. It's a throbbing, warm headache without the pain.

Thank you for sticking with the commentary. I do appreciate it, and it's a massive therapy and benefit for me to write as I feel rather than sit on it until I get to (or never get to) a doctor and forget it all when that time finally comes.


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