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Nitro


Member

Posted Sat Jun 20th, 2009 4:15am Post subject: July is my reminder
I love the 4th, the fireworks, the explosions, the smoke and participate in it as an act of rememberance for my father (RIP Pop) who was my sidekick, nay, the lead in our many experiments in explosive things It was a very special day for us and filled with much laughter. I also set off fireworks in memory of losing my dearest friend to murder because she too loved firy, explosive things. So young, and such an abrupt and cruel exit from this world. The world tilted on its axis for me when she passed and I feel the loss of both these two special people only daily. So the 4th is the one day to kid myself into thinking I'm giving them what they want ( which is a big leap for a rationalist like me ).

The rest of the month though fades into '''That Day'''. As my fathers cancer consumed body lay in bed, as he made peace with his impending finality - and here I must interject that I've seen a lot of people die, but none of them, not one, had the calm and graceful acceptance of his fate as my father did, and I think it was one last example for me from him. The only tear he shed was when he looked at me and noticed the wrenched face of somoene barely able to accept the inevitable. The timing of things worked out that he was fading quickly on Fathers Day. I couldn't leave the house to get him anything so I made this piddly card out of my computer and took it to his room. "Happy Fathers Day Pop. I've a card for you." He insisted on sitting up to read it, which was a monumental feat of will and intense pain. He sat next to me and I helped him open it. He asked me to read it to him and I did. A tear slid down his face, but it slid past his smile as he turned and leaned on my shoulder and said,"I'm going to read it every day, every day..." Then I helped him back into bed and got him situated. He asked for some water and when I brought it back he said,"I'm checking out of this hotel tomorrow. Do you understand?" I knew exactly what he meant. It felt like a freight train ran through my forehead. I told him not to worry, everything would be fine.
He passed the next day around five in the evening. My father's last gift to me, I think, was in not dieing on Fathers Day. The whole point of this sad story is that while I look forward to the fourth with all the glee and vigor of a child, I know there is a day to face that has the fingerprints of Grief all over it. I get a little morose by then and withdraw for days so Grief can get his beatings on me out of the way without interference of my normal life. I just pay the price and then it's done and I can climb back out of the mire he lays me in.

I'll always miss my dad and my friend. Always. So I do these little personal traditions to their honor even if my heart is breaking the whole time X-D

I know there are other stories like mine out there. And I don't mean to be a downbringer and if that's what you thought you either missed the point entirely or I failed to convey what I mean. In any event...happy freaking fourth of july kids!!

Really? Wow.

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PamJH


Member

Posted Sat Jun 20th, 2009 6:22am Post subject: July is my reminder
This is how poetry is supposed to read. You probably didn't mean it to sound like such, but it does. Happy Fourth of July to you, too, my friend.

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TobiasMonk


Moderator

Posted Sat Jun 20th, 2009 8:54pm Post subject: July is my reminder
I'll always miss my dad and my friend. Always. So I do these little personal traditions to their honor even if my heart is breaking the whole time X-D

I know there are other stories like mine out there. And I don't mean to be a downbringer and if that's what you thought you either missed the point entirely or I failed to convey what I mean. In any event...happy freaking fourth of july kids!!

I think I know how you feel Nitro, except it's my mother who's absent. My birthday is July 2nd, but we would always celebrate it on the 4th, and so that's who I always think about on that day. She always put a sparkler on my birthday cake

And I don't think you're being a downer at all.

I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep.
Walt Whitman

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Nitro


Member

Posted Mon Jun 22nd, 2009 10:12pm Post subject: July is my reminder
Ah, thank you Pam.

Your mom sounds like a pip Tobias. Sparklers on your birthday cake! Too cool
Must've been hard to make a wish and blow it out though?

I guess the melancholy in missing those who've finished their lives is a testament to how they lived them and how they impacted us. I miss my dad terribly and I know that will never, ever change. But in some way, and it might sound counter-intuitive, that hurt or ache also consoles me. There are some things in Life so precious, that nothing in my available vocabulary or language can describe them. I'm sure I'm in no minority of people regarding this.

So, all hail those who've passed on but are alive in our hearts!

Really? Wow.

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PamJH


Member

Posted Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 2:07pm Post subject: July is my reminder
I think about my grandparents the same way. The hurt and the ache at their passing (and it's been years now) never goes away, but it makes them alive, if you see what I mean. One of my sisters says this isn't a good way to feel about them, but I like the idea of them still being around me.

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Nitro


Member

Posted Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 7:59pm Post subject: July is my reminder
but it makes them alive, if you see what I mean. One of my sisters says this isn't a good way to feel about them, but I like the idea of them still being around me.

Pam! That's it! ( It's one of the times I tell my rational side to flip sand X-D )

Really? Wow.

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PamJH


Member

Posted Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 10:28pm Post subject: July is my reminder
but it makes them alive, if you see what I mean. One of my sisters says this isn't a good way to feel about them, but I like the idea of them still being around me.

Pam! That's it! ( It's one of the times I tell my rational side to flip sand X-D )

Eat sand. That's what she (I mean my rational side) can do. If thinking of them comforts me when I need it, then that's all right. Same for you with your dad and Toby with his mother.

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