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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Sat Jun 14th, 2008 4:41am Post subject: lately i feel all...
:'( :'( :'( :( :'(

ok, there.

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benson


Member

Posted Sat Jun 14th, 2008 7:25am Post subject: lately i feel all...
sorry banjo... don't know how to help but i hope something good happens to you to lift you a bit. something SO good that the world would explode if it didn't make you happier.

is there any particular reason?

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Occy


Member

Posted Sat Jun 14th, 2008 8:13am Post subject: lately i feel all...
*humps banjo's leg*??

I love you

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Sat Jun 14th, 2008 8:24am Post subject: lately i feel all...
thanks benson...i neglected to add a because there ARE good things, for example, i may have a new job soon!

my mixed bad feelings, they have a reason, and i didn't know if i should post it.
but i don't think anyone who would be affected by this could find my post.


i've been working for a relative-of-a -relative, helping her with chores as she's almost 80 and has parkinsons and can't walk very well. everything was great, everyone was nice...i though this was really helping me feel useful and helping me get back into the swing of things. then a few days ago her husband kept being very touchy feely with me, and i don't like it. however, i didn't tell him this in words...i should have...i just kept disentangling myself and leaving the room asap. it was always in a room his wife wasn't in...it included grabbing my hands, my hips, my neck, and he said "i'm sorry i'm just a dirty old man." i really didn't know what to do. when i first came in he hugged me and it was unusually long and i thought his wife was ill! but he said nothing was wrong. so i didn't realize what was going on for a while and i feel stupid.

i've not been too comfortable with physical contact my whole life... when i went to a counselor for help with that and depression a year or two ago she also hit on me and started touching me and rubbing my back and i left. other counselors said i could report her if i wanted, but when i looked at my report i was trying to explain that my depression got worse soon after, that i started hallucinating. reporting someone for unwanted touching and then saying i hallucinate? who's going to give that any consideration??

i'm so frustrated. i get out of one bad situation, slowly learn to trust people, and it happens again. it's not like i've been physically hurt by these people...this stuff happens to lots of people...but i'm sensitive to it and don't know what to do. i'm having nightmares and i don't want to sleep. and i don't want to start going back where i was before. especially now that i may have a job and a chance of doing something good.

i also start wondering if i'll ever want anyone to touch me, if that'll ever feel ok with me, because that's a big part of being human, and if i can't then what's the point of anything? i know i shouldn't think that but i do.

i hope these stories don't sound like i'm being melodramatic over nothing.

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Sat Jun 14th, 2008 8:29am Post subject: lately i feel all...
LOL!!! occy!

i'm predicting you'll feel a little guilty or awkward for *humping my leg* after reading the explanation...but don't worry about it. i know you mean well....haha...oh gosh, anyway i type this sounds bad.

it's a quarter to 4am here, i'm gonna go read about physics. maybe if i fall asleep i will have good dreams about subatomic particles. i wish i was one. no one would know my motion and position simultaneously.

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benson


Member

Posted Sat Jun 14th, 2008 9:13am Post subject: lately i feel all...
ok..... that's not being melodramatic at all, or not in my mind. shame! that is such an awkward situation. but you say you are getting a new job? i hope you do, really. i sympathise with your touch issues, as i think i have the same sort of thing. except i probably wouldn't keep my dignity as you seem to have. don't feel stupid! you shouldn't have to go through life suspecting everyone of being devious or dirty or malicious or having wrong motives...

i don't know, obviously, but what could happen is that when somebody comes along who really understands you and wants to make you happy - they will be able to touch you in a good way. sometimes i feel really stupid because when a friend hugs me or something, i'll just go stiff and sit there and not know what to do. and then feel bad for being so unresponsive. but they just carry on doing it so... perhaps it will break down my defences.

and dirty old men just don't seem to get it that there isn't really anything sweet or mischievious or "naughty" or anything about being a dirty old man. it's just creepy and unfair to whoever they pick on.

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amyl_nitrate


Member

Posted Sat Jun 14th, 2008 12:18pm Post subject: lately i feel all...
I wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation eiher banjo. I wouldn't like being touched at all. It wouldn't seem appropriate to me.

Good luck with getting the job. :d What will you be doing?

Assuming direct control...

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Occy


Member

Posted Sat Jun 14th, 2008 12:47pm Post subject: lately i feel all...
nah no guilty feelings :p

I hate physical contact - so the internet is perfect - because trust me - irl - no matter how many dogs I have - I am not known for going around humping peoples legs

He sure does sound like a dirty old man. I would have said - don't touch me - personally. As we get older our impulse control lessens - much like little kids dont have impulse control so that may be part of it - major part sounds like letcherous old man.

Personally I can deal with stuff like that and I usually deal with it by telling em not to bother since they can't get it up anyway but I realise that isn't everyone's way of dealing with stuff.

Ive gotten better since becoming a teacher cause the kids have no sense of personal space - dont think I could take primary school age though.

re the counsellor - if you are sure she was hitting on you then you should have reported her - people like that dont deserve positions of trust.

I still love you but

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Sun Jun 15th, 2008 3:25am Post subject: lately i feel all...
the counselor ... i did write the report, but the state agency wanted me to allow them to tell her who i was and i got scared. my head was not good and i also thought either no one would believe me, or maybe i really wasn't seeing it for what it was because i WAS suffering very distorted thoughts, or maybe i would be punished for accusing someone of something bad. so i gave it up. i know that's not showing much backbone, and i feel bad about it. if it were just some lady, i would've just said leave me alone, but she was my counselor. if this guy were just any old guy maybe this would be easier. but he's family.

occy, i'm so glad to know you and see you on the InTerNEt.

thanks for your thoughts, benson! that made me feel better.

amyl, i am working a year for americorps...in stillwater oklahoma, about 2 hours away. doing fund raising and grant writing for a children's museum! it will be awhile before i start, there's federal paperwork and training and i need to move to stillwater. it's pretty there with bright orange dirt and lots of farming. but it's also a college town, so there's things to do. and i have cousins there.

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Occy


Member

Posted Sun Jun 15th, 2008 6:13am Post subject: lately i feel all...
eww - letcherous old family member

tell him to piss off - or Ill come over there and do it for you *grrr*

My four stringed friend (unless you're a five stringed banjo??) - the beauty of the internet is that when youve had enough you can walk away - sometimes and that so often when you log on and need someone - there is someone there.

Hurrah for timezones

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Sun Jun 15th, 2008 10:14pm Post subject: lately i feel all...
haha! i'm a 5 string banjo! 4 strings are kinda rare these days, at least in the US. coincidentally, i just visited the Four Stringed Banjo Museum last week!! i should upload the pics! they are all jazz era and brightly decorated with different inlays and engraving. they were incredible! there's even one for amyl, with a dragon on the back! haha. i'll get to work on uploading them soon

and yes, there've been some times where people i trusted hurt me and confused me. it seems strange, but at times i feel so much safer talking to strangers who are miles away...even strangers who don't know me at all.

i'm feeling a little better...after all, that situation could have become much worse and it was not. i still keep having dreams where i'm screaming and can't wake myself up! so i stay up late and sleep in the daytime...and still have those dreams in the daytime! haha. does me no good i guess.

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amyl_nitrate


Member

Posted Mon Jun 16th, 2008 4:42pm Post subject: lately i feel all...

amyl, i am working a year for americorps...in stillwater oklahoma, about 2 hours away. doing fund raising and grant writing for a children's museum! it will be awhile before i start, there's federal paperwork and training and i need to move to stillwater. it's pretty there with bright orange dirt and lots of farming. but it's also a college town, so there's things to do. and i have cousins there.

That sounds like a good job banjo. I hope you enjoy it once you're underway with it. What kind of exhibits do they have in this children's museum?

haha! i'm a 5 string banjo! 4 strings are kinda rare these days, at least in the US. coincidentally, i just visited the Four Stringed Banjo Museum last week!! i should upload the pics! they are all jazz era and brightly decorated with different inlays and engraving. they were incredible! there's even one for amyl, with a dragon on the back! haha. i'll get to work on uploading them soon

Squee a dragon! I can't wait to see your photos! ^_^

i'm feeling a little better...after all, that situation could have become much worse and it was not. i still keep having dreams where i'm screaming and can't wake myself up! so i stay up late and sleep in the daytime...and still have those dreams in the daytime! haha. does me no good i guess.

I'm glad you're feeling better but sorry to hear about your nightmares. It sounds terrible. I wish I could sprinkle magic fairy dust on you to send them away. *huggleglomp*

Assuming direct control...

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Soupy Twist


Member

Posted Mon Jun 16th, 2008 5:30pm Post subject: lately i feel all...

i'm feeling a little better...after all, that situation could have become much worse and it was not. i still keep having dreams where i'm screaming and can't wake myself up! so i stay up late and sleep in the daytime...and still have those dreams in the daytime! haha. does me no good i guess.

I'm glad that you're feeling better. What makes me most angry is that, no matter if you are bullied or molested, you spend your life wrecking their brain and thinking about hem all the time, while they mostly don't waste a single thought on you.
I hope your nightmares will vanish soon *hugs*

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Mon Jun 16th, 2008 5:37pm Post subject: lately i feel all...

i'm feeling a little better...after all, that situation could have become much worse and it was not. i still keep having dreams where i'm screaming and can't wake myself up! so i stay up late and sleep in the daytime...and still have those dreams in the daytime! haha. does me no good i guess.

I'm glad that you're feeling better. What makes me most angry is that, no matter if you are bullied or molested, you spend your life wrecking their brain and thinking about hem all the time, while they mostly don't waste a single thought on you.
I hope your nightmares will vanish soon *hugs*


or they do think about me and enjoy it
it's true, minutes of somebody acting like that can make the other person uneasy for a lot longer.

thanks for the good wishes! having y'all around, even if it is just on the internet, makes me feel safe. you're like circling buffaloes...er...bison, technically.
*hugsback*

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Mon Jun 16th, 2008 10:49pm Post subject: lately i feel all...
here's amyl's banjo




anybody else want one?

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