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Spitfire


Member

Posted Tue Jun 9th, 2009 5:18pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
Please do forgive me for this...
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Dear Dr Rosales

I want to tell you how I feel. I wish I could, but I don't even know it myself. I don't know who I am most of the time. It's like being kidnapped by Aunt Bessie - it's friendly and welcoming, but terrifying in itself. Due to how long I've suffered from 'Depression' I've forgotten who I am. 'Depression' can make you irritable, untrusting and self-perserved. I developed 'Depression' when I was 15. How much of who I am now is my personality, and how much is 'Depression'?

Note the quotation marks. Some people are stubborn gits. Some are self-affected - introverted. Some people are cautious. But is that them? Is it personality, or Mental Illness? Some people hate themselves because the world hates them - maybe they're not depressed, maybe they're just a twat that noone likes. Maybe people are staring at you in the street. Maybe the Goverment are keeping tabs on you. You may never know. Maybe, you don't want to know?

I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why I'm such a state, and honestly, I don't think you do either. I think you're as bummed out as me, but you have to hide because you're meant to tell how to make myself better. I thought I got it after 6 months of CBT, but obviously not. I thought the whole 'Depression' was from the Self-Harm - Being sad because you're crying, or in this case, Cutting - But maybe it's because the years of people hate me.

I'm sorry to throw this down the gutter, but I hate me because people hate me.

Theraphy can teach you to love yourself, but it's harder if you're a tosspot that noone else likes. Because then you make the jump from being depressed and introverted to self-loving and arrogant. Oh no! You cry. You can love yourself without being arrogant. Lies. It's like me learning to be Assertive, then getting fired for being aggressive. No. Bullshit.

I... Just don't know. I think this is me looking for some other route. I don't like Depression, but I can't be optistic. Life will be in South london, in a shithole with wankers. I can't get decent jobs because of my attitude, I can't train due to my short attention span. I can't make friends because I'm a dickhead, and I can't be left alone because I start living three simutaneous lives, or heaven forbid, I'll jump out a window or something dramatic like that. Get to that one later.

I don't fit 'Depression'. I don't fit 'Jennifer'. I don't fit 'Woman'. But I will say I fit 'Mentally Ill'. I think 'Psychotic' or even 'Psycho' fits me amazing, like a LBD that makes your butt look good. Yours, not mine. Boobs don't suit me, and I hate the two lumps of fat sticking out my chest. I hate the two jello plate attached to my lower back. I hate how bloody wide my pelvis is. I recently found out I punch myself in the Pelvis as I try to sleep - Does that count as Self-Harm? I don't really know, but I know question marks look good in Notepad. I think it's more as fidgeting, as I try to wrestle sleep, without feeling naeustious. When I think of 'Mentally ill', I think of an old spinster lady with shitloads of cats, and that'll be me, if I live to be old. Crazy. I can deal with that. I can't deal with 'Depressed'. I think I could if I bought that I was. Stuff it back on the shelf, cause I'm not buying it.

I think that's why I can't shrug off Bipolar Personality Disorder. I think I think - nay, Hope! - I have it because it ties everything neatly. Being fidgety. Singing. Dancing. Laughing - god I have a crude laugh! Being friendly. Being irritable. Being impatient - I couldn't wait for the van to pass, so I tried to run across before it reached me. As the Police asked me - as I lay in the bloody road - why I did it, all I could say was I don't know. I still don't know. Being incoherent. I hope my constant broken stream of thought is some kind of personality disorder and not some kind of brain fault or even worse - just some problem with my personality. Mental illness can be 'cured' or controlled. Your personality is just how you are. You can't change yourself. You can try, but you can't do it. Hitler can't become Miss America. I fear my personality is of someone impatient, incoherent, inconsistant and irritating. I much rather pin it on something else. Something out of my control, cause I would hate this whole mess to be my fault.

And then there's the stuff that doesn't fit into 'Depression'. Goddamn blue flashes of light! All the bloody time! Well, not All the time, otherwise they won't be flashes. They happen quite consistant (It's a shame my hallucinations are more consistant than me..) on average once per night.

It sets me off on a panic because then something bad will happen. It terrifies me. Flashes are not normal. Never. Brain Damage? BPD? Psychotic Depression? Detached Retinas? Those in themselves are not good, without even considering Schizophrena. God, no wonder I feel the end is nigh. Then the pain-saking task of falling sleep. I normally sleep too much or not enough. Or rarely, not at all.

The paranoia is not something I'm not a stranger to. People would stare at me, laugh at me, point at me, and in one case cluster round me, pointing, laughing, evermore when I cried harder. People still do. Someone called for my attention - I was the only person on the street - said their mate fancied me, snicker and said "Look at her face!". There's no surprise I'm paranoid! My blinds in my room have never been opened, unless mother does it - I would hate it if someone got a picture of me naked
or something. I can't even be naked in my room. I do often feel like I'm the only person that exists - everything else is something (Or someone) that my mind has made up as a metaphor. There is no Earth, no Moon(s), no Sun. Only my mind and all this chaos it made.

I don't know.

Not sure what to say-ly,
Jennifer .
---
tl;dr What the hell is wrong with me.

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Maxx England


Member

Posted Wed Jun 10th, 2009 9:30pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
I query whether your blue flashes are anything abnormal. I used to get light shows as I drifted off to sleep when I was on Prozac, actually started drinking lots of water so I had to get up in the middle of the night in order to get a repeat. I had to stop as I was becoming increasingly knackered, but the last of them was an indescribably beautiful blue and gold filigree basket that spun slowly; and I still, years later, miss them. That good.

The change to assertiveness, well, I can say from personal experience that people are often terribly shocked when the doormat stamps on them instead of the normal run of things; I used to get into rows at work over wanting the right to listen to my music rather than have the baboon DJs of popular radio thrust "industry product" down my neck. We ended up with a silent warehouse when I'd have settled for some time dedicated to what I wanted and let the others have theirs, but the MD decided that rather than have a sound war in a small unit, nobody was having anything.


Self image, I've spent years repairing the damage of my childhood, and i doubt if I'll ever be totally "clean", but you just have to keep plugging away and eventually the sun does shine for you.

The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?

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Spitfire


Member

Posted Wed Jun 10th, 2009 9:48pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
Thanks Maxx.

Thanks for the reassurance. I don't really know if the blue flashes are anything abnormal, but my therapist hasn't done much to reassure me that it isn't.

I think my ex-boss was saying I was being aggressive instead of assertive because of the change, but I never know how to walk that line. I'm not socially delicate at the best of times..

Thanks! ^_^

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Anonymous


Unregistered

Posted Wed Jun 10th, 2009 9:56pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
I notice you don't mention anxiety in your letter to the GP or psychiatrist.

Chris

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Spitfire


Member

Posted Wed Jun 10th, 2009 10:04pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
Strangely enough, it didn't cross my mind! XD
(Well, obviously it did, but I didn't think about it at the time...)

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Nitro


Member

Posted Thu Jun 11th, 2009 4:06am Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
I've heard certain visual symptoms can be traced to seizure. Have you had a brain scan or has anyone run a test to see if that's occurring? Also, sometimes 'visual auras' are a prelude to migraine, but you didn't mention head pain.

Before a seizure there can be visual and auditory things that go on as well as change in personality/emotions, and after a seizure there can be a tendency to feel exhausted or wiped out. Oddly, this can also be true for migraines. I only mention this to maybe give you something to ask your doctor about. It should be standard procedure to rule out physical causes mentioned here before deciding it's an idiomatic manifestation of some sort.

Is your shrink a psychiatrist or a pyschologist? One is a medical doctor, the other is not. A psychiatrist can order MRI's, CT's, EMG's...those sorts of tests...

Anyway, whatever happens I do hope you start to feel better soon.

Really? Wow.

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Maxx England


Member

Posted Thu Jun 11th, 2009 3:06pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
I suffer from comparatively mild migraine symptons these days, linked to my intolerance of milk products. I keep a strict eye on ingredients in things, but every now and again something sneaks in under the wire and I get blotchy, patchy vision or brilliant white shooting stars going across my field of vision, accompanied by a sick headache.

I don't know about the possibility of fits happening, that's one thing to check out with some urgency.

Maybe there's a connection in terms of blood supply between migraines and fits? Anybody know?

The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?

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michael


Member

Posted Thu Jun 11th, 2009 4:38pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
nitro, maxx and spitfire....

i don't know answers but i do know that...yeah, there's all sorts of reasons one might see things or hear things in that way. i have stuff like that sometimes and it's been that way since i was a child, so i never felt alarmed by it. until when i had major depression it got "colored" with all the things depression does, y'know.

recently i went to the doc about it because every once in awhile it gets to where i can't sleep or rest.

to my surprise, she was very cheerful and matter of fact about it. asked me some questions to rule out the kinds of things y'all are talking about (seizures, etc) and in the end gave me a prescription for something that i would ONLY take if i needed rest...in other words, NOT a anti-psychotic med.

different docs (and different people) respond to those things in different ways.

there's been times on this forum (and others) where i ask a question about different kinds of hallucinations (what i see ranges from flashes to an overactive imagination...i don't think i've ever believed that what i saw existed in real space) and the only response would be silence. crickets. etc. this worried me, but in reality when surveyed, a LOT of people have some sort of hallucinations at some time and many of them don't have a mental illness at all. and some people who have a mental illness don't hallucinate, at all, flashes or anything.

so sometimes it's not seizures or migraines or psychosis: people's sensory systems differ just as much as our bodies do. the main thing is to make sure it's not a sign of another illness, and then take care of it whenever it's PREVENTING you from living life.

spitfire, your shrink may not be sounding very reassuring about it because their experience of it may be different. OR...they may not know that you are worried about it...? because from my point of view, flashes *can be* "normal", so maybe your doc isn't concerned and is thinking they'll subside when you get rest and a better frame of mind. what has the doc said?

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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michael


Member

Posted Thu Jun 11th, 2009 4:49pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
just an example, many different things cause people to hear things. not just schizophrenia or brain problems. i'd venture a guess that visual stuff is no different. (though i agree w/ folks saying you might wanna get it checked out by a physical doctor...as in...doc that deals with body stuff...lol...)

http://4mind4life.com/blog/2008/02/13/hearing-voic.....henomenon/

in another article

"As a society we tend to associate hallucinations with things like drugs and mental illness, but we now know that hallucinations are common in sober healthy people and that they are more likely during times of stress."

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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Maxx England


Member

Posted Fri Jun 12th, 2009 7:21pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
I can't call it a hallucination, but I am endowed/cursed with an immensely visual imagination, and I live daily with having to throttle back on saying what I see or think when I deal with the "average" citizen.

Example: a Tom Petty song, where the singer is describing driving and sing "the trees were flying by". My immediate leap is to conjure a flock of genetically modified oaks, taking off in alarm, and I see the picture on my internal screen. It might sound like a bundle of fun, but it does get in the way when you're trying to do something serious.

The only way is forward. Now where's the bar?

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michael


Member

Posted Fri Jun 12th, 2009 9:28pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
I can't call it a hallucination, but I am endowed/cursed with an immensely visual imagination, and I live daily with having to throttle back on saying what I see or think when I deal with the "average" citizen.

Example: a Tom Petty song, where the singer is describing driving and sing "the trees were flying by". My immediate leap is to conjure a flock of genetically modified oaks, taking off in alarm, and I see the picture on my internal screen. It might sound like a bundle of fun, but it does get in the way when you're trying to do something serious.

see, that's the way my brain works when it's all good, but when stressed or imbalanced, it doesn't turn off, and it does images too fast, till they go way beyond my own thoughts. (like 4-5 "subjects" in in a matter of seconds) or 2 lines of music at once plus talking, or things that i didn't want to be thinking about at all.

but i know it's not real.

either way, i'm just suggesting it's possible Spitfire's flashes are stress induced...and spitfire shouldn't freak out too much about thinking you have a brain tumor or schizophrenia.

sorry to mention you in 3d person Spitfire.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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Nitro


Member

Posted Sat Jun 13th, 2009 4:47am Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.




either way, i'm just suggesting it's possible Spitfire's flashes are stress induced...and spitfire shouldn't freak out too much about thinking you have a brain tumor or schizophrenia.

.

I want to state emphatically right here and now that I never meant to imply any physical condition actually exists. My point was that it is common sense, at least in my experience with doctors, to first rule out any underlying medical condition. And with visual disturbance that could be any number of things, not just a brain tumor nor schizophrenia. I mentioned it only as a friendly suggestion and hope it hasn't caused anyone to feel even a littler hysterical or nervous.

I'm not a doctor.
Nor do I play one on TV.

Really? Wow.

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michael


Member

Posted Sat Jun 13th, 2009 8:15pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
no no no all's cool. i agree with you. you're totally right about ruling out medical conditions. genuinely didn't mean to sound overreactive. k?

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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michael


Member

Posted Sat Jun 13th, 2009 8:18pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
p.s. even when i'm just trying to help i might sound kinda ancy about the subject because of my own experiences, was kinda responding to what people told me in the past, not to what you said Nitro. sorry that was an incommunicando mondo.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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Spitfire


Member

Posted Sat Jun 13th, 2009 11:24pm Post subject: Letter to my Shrink.
Heya!

I spoke to my therapist about this stuff, and she's taken me off the Fluoxetine for the time being, and she told me to see my GP so they can arrange for me to go to the hospital to have a Brainscan. All's looking better!
Thanks for the replies, guys. They were really reassuring!
xx

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