Lost Letters
by Ollie Sayeed
Hello? Can you hear me? Good. This microphone seems to work. This is sort of like a diary, I suppose... only I don’t have to start everything with ‘dear diary’. Because that’s just stupid. Anyway, I’m Thomas. Hello. And this is-
“Thomas?”
Oh. What is it, Mum?
“You’re late for the train to school!”
Oh, right. Coming! Sorry, got to go. Bye.
-----
Anyway, what I wanted to say was, we’ve got a new English teacher next lesson. Mrs Maddox. Apparently, she’s awful. Really strict.
“Hi, Thomas.”
Oh, hi, Harry. This is Harry. He’s my friend. He’s nice.
“Well, obviously. Why would I be your friend otherwise?”
Exactly. So, have you heard about our new teacher?
“The year above had her yesterday. Apparently, she’s-”
Awful. I heard.
“Still, she can’t be as bad as Mr Amin.”
Oh, no, of course not.
“Line up outside in the corridor, please, then come in in single file. Mr Abbot, you first. What is that thing you’re holding? Are... are you recording me? Give it here! You can have it back at the end!”
-----
She’s worse than Mr Amin. I mean, seriously. She’s horrible. She set us literally hours of homework.
“Well, not literally hours.”
What?
“Well, it was an hour and a half.”
That’s ‘hours’.
“No, it isn’t. It has to be two or more to count as ‘hours’.”
What? No, it doesn’t. It just has to be more than an hour.
“I’ll look it up.”
It won’t say in the dictionary, Harry!
“Yes, it will. Now... F... G... oh.”
What?
“It’s not in there.”
Of course the word ‘hour’ is in the dictionary. You haven’t checked under O again, have you?
“I was seven then.”
No, you were YEAR 7. Give it to me, I’ll look.
“Fine. You’ll see.”
What? But... it...
“You haven’t checked under O again, have you?”
Be quiet. What? There’s no letter H. This dictionary doesn’t have a letter H in it.
“I told you so.”
But... why?
“Lines, Mr Abbot.”
What? Why, miss?
“For asking questions. A reason exists for reprinting our dictionaries.”
And what would that be?
“More lines, Mr Abbott.”
“Miss, what’s he done wrong?”
“Your friend used a certain letter. A letter our department dislikes.”
“What, H?”
“Lines, Mr Parker.”
What? You’ve... you’ve banned the letter H?
“Greek civilisation existed for many years. No aforementioned letter existed in its vocabulary.”
You just said ‘vocabulary’ because you can’t say ‘alphabet’, because it’s got an H in it.
“Lines!”
All right, then!
“More lines!”
Yes, all... fine! But... can I ask a question?
“You may, Mr Abbott.”
Well... for... I mean... is it for a particular reason? Your banning of... said letter.
“It certainly is. ‘Said letter’, as you put it, is illogical. Greek civilisation felt no need of it, and so nor do we.”
Fair enou-- I mean, fine. So we’re now not allowed to say it at all?
“Correct.”
Are we allowed to say it w-- um, in instances not containing... um... yon aspirated sound?
“No. Not at all. If it is spelt in a written word, you may not speak it. Now, I’ve marking to do, so I don’t want any more trouble from you.”
Okay, miss. See you tomorrow.
“Yon?”
Well, what else could I have said?
“But ‘yon’ means ‘the one far away’.”
I know what ‘yon’ means, thank you, I’ve done enough Shakespearean essays! But... she’s restricting our speech! Banning things! I mean, what’ll she ban next?
-----
“From now on, it is forbidden to use a letter. A letter after W in our... letter list.”
You mean--
“Yes. That one.”
“Lines, Mr Parker!”
“Your reason being?”
“You used a certain letter in your words.”
“Oh, yes, I see.”
“Lines!”
“WHAT? That doesn’t count! I said ‘oh’! ‘Oh’ isn’t even a word, it doesn’t even have a spelling!”
“Detention!”
Miss, detention isn’t fair. You can’t just ban us from saying certain words.
“I can. Certain letters are illogical, and so deserve not to exist.”
So you’re banning... words containing... letter after W?
“It is an irrational letter. Letters K and S exist in our language already, so a letter uniting the two is needless.”
So... Miss...? Can you tell us your name?
“Miss...”
‘Miss’...?
“Miss. My name is ‘Miss’, and no more.”
-----
Well, this is rubbish. We can’t say H or X. And we definitely can’t say any words that have both in, like ‘hexagon’. We can’t even call it a six-sided figure, either, because ‘six’ has an X in. Ooh, here she comes.
“Mr Abbott! Is it recording me?”
Oh, no, miss, I’ve turned it off.
“Good. Now, I’ve news. More letters are forbidden.”
So...?
“A certain letter before Z.”
I see. Anyt-- I mean, any more? I mean... damn.
“Lines! We also banned a certain letter--”
Wouldn’t it be useful if we could... speak a certain definite article?
“We’ve no need for one.”
We do. It’s useful.
“Ancient Romans did not need one.”
But ancient Romans didn’t need a word for ‘computer’. Doesn’t mean we can’t need one.
“As I was... talking. A certain letter before Q is now banned.”
Can I ask... I mean... you’ve a reason?
“Correct. We’ve no need for letters like it.”
Yes, we have! If we don’t have a letter P, then there are loads of words we can’t say!
“Lines! It... weakens minds, to be able to speak all words. We’ve need of restrictions.”
What? No, it doesn’t. How is it at all useful to our education stopping us from saying H, X, Y, or P?
‘DETENTION!”
-----
So, Miss let me do a blog. Fine. But Miss can... can... sense me... using her ears... And... um... it... oh, come on, Miss, can’t I say the word ‘hear’?
“No!”
Fine. And I’m being... unished.
“It is not a word.”
Of course not. But I can’t say ‘punished’, can I?
“No. Must use different words.”
Oh, come on, you’re cheating now. You can’t say ‘you’, so you’re just leaving it out.
“Words!”
Fine, all rig-- what? ‘Words’? Not ‘lines’?
“It is also forbidden.”
Um... which letter?
“Words!”
R?
“No.”
T?
“No.”
L?
“Words!”
But... it’s a good one. I mean... um... written symbol. Oh, damn, can’t say ‘symbol’, it’s got a Y in. Um... glyph? No...
“Detention!”
Miss? Are... is... oh, whatever. Will you ban any more letters. Oh, right. Just a nod. That’s it, is it? A nod? You’re allowed to take away a twenty-sixth of our verbal freedom... with a nod?
“Double detention!”
-----
Ridicu-- I mean, ridicusome. We can’t... utter... much. Oh, dear, that had an H in. Ah, so did that. And that. Oh, forget it. She can’t hear us now.
“What do you think she’ll get rid of next?”
Well, I hope it’s not an E. Because then we’d be in trouble. Loads of words have Es in them.
“She can’t carry on like this much longer. I can’t even say my own name any more without her complaining. I mean, won’t someone find out?”
This is a boarding school, Harry. Our parents don’t know. The other teachers probably don’t care. We’ve got to find out what it is.
“What what is?”
What the thing making her do this is. What time is it?
“Just before midnight.”
Right. Shall we go and have a look?
“At what?”
Around the school. In her office. Try and find something out.
-----
So here we are, at Mrs Maddox’s office. Nobody here. We need to have a look inside.
“Oh dear...”
What?
“Look at the noticeboard.”
“N, O, E.” And... they’re crossed out. They’ve been banned. Tomorrow, they’re banning those three letters.
“But... this doesn’t make sense. I mean, that’s not the whole alphabet written on there. It’s just the letters that have been banned so far. It’s like... they only wanted to ban a few of them.”
Exactly. That’s odd. Very odd.
“Is it Mr J?”
It’s her! Hide!
‘Where?”
I don’t know! In the office!
“This cupboard?”
That’ll do!
“Come on. Get in.”
“Mr J?”
She’s coming closer.
“Then stop whispering! She’ll hear us!”
“Oh. Excellent. We’re alone. You can come out now, Phyton.”
“Are you sure we are alone?”
“Yes. I thought I heard a noise, but there’s nobody there.”
What’s THAT?
“What? Someone there? Who is it?”
Oh... it’s... miss, we thought we heard a noise... so we... what the hell is that thing?
“‘That thing’, Mr Abbott, is Phyton the Glorious.”
“And who would that be, then?”
“Commander of the Phytonian Alien Force.”
Right. You’re an alien. Brilliant. Our school is run by aliens.
“Does this have anything to do with the letters being banned?”
Yeah, is this alien trying to destroy earth through its alphabet, or something?
“The boy is wrong..”
They always say that. What are you doing here?
“My ship crashlanded here a few weeks ago.”
In the summer holidays, you mean.
“Um... yes. And it landed here, in this school.”
What does that have to do with the alphabet?
“Yes, why are you banning us from saying certain words?”
What do you have to gain?
“I was attempting to invade your planet.”
“Well, you didn’t do it very well, did you?”
Shhh, Harry. So tell us. Why did you make Mrs Maddox ban certain letters?
“Phyton has created an army of robots, with which he wishes to destroy humanity. He has promised me that if I help him, he will live.”
“There is a code. A code that will stop the robots. It will turn them off and make them die.”
“If anyone says the code in the area, his ship will explode, and his army of robots will disactivate.”
“The Earth woman was attempting to help me.”
So the code is a word?
“Correct. We were banning all of the letters in the word, so that nobody would have a chance of saying it.”
Harry?
“Yes?”
Can you think of any words containing the letters H, X, Y, P, L, N, O, and E?
“I certainly can.”
“Do not say it! I promise that I will let you live if you let our invasion force triumph!”
But... we don’t want humanity to be destroyed.
“Yes... but...”
So we’re going to defeat you. Harry, the word?
“XYLOPHONE!”
-----
Well, that was fun. A minor explosion in the English Department, true, but that’s nothing to worry about. Mrs Maddox has been fired for setting off bombs. And Earth is saved. Oh, and we now have a full alphabet. Lovely.
