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acidcat


Member

Posted Thu Sep 4th, 2008 1:37am Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
I completely agree with TwistedControl. I've just started at uni (again!) this Monday, and I'm struggling badly to make friends.

One particular example that rammed itself home to me today: I went to one of the fresher events where you met your college "family". I tried my best, but by the end of the evening, in a table of four, one person was only talking to the two others, only giving them eye contact and acted like I wasn't there. I was trying hard, and have been careful not to do or say anything unpleasant. I feel like people just don't want to be around me, and are looking for the first excuse to escape. I ended up walking home to the student halls on my own.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I feel like giving up, and I'm sick of being lonely and alone. I've got friends from elsewhere, but I don't think any of them are very close friends.

I think it might actually be me.

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wildfire


Member

Posted Thu Sep 4th, 2008 3:53am Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
Hey acidcat, I remember all that also - find some different people if you don't get on with your appointed "family" --

I also remember spending bored evenings cornered by people who I thought it'd be wrong to offend by going home, even if I was really tired and I'd run out of interesting things to say and I wanted to be somewhere else. and I remember feeling horribly guilty and believing that other people could intuit I was rubbish and boring.

turns out that is a rather unhelpful belief to entertain. a more balanced way to look at it is to say,

There's no guarantee that I'm going to hit it off with person X if I'm thrown in the same room as them, (and the "families" are picked totally at random, so I'll see what useful information they have, but there's no reason to expect to be mates for life with people who picked my name out of a hat.)

I can't even remember what mine were called, but I do remember feeling very awkward in a room with them because I couldn't be witty and interesting on cue to these strangers!

Look into societies to find people with similar interests, and/or: pick a random new interest and see where it leads you.

There'll be other people who you'll hit it off with, you just need to go find them out.

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acidcat


Member

Posted Thu Sep 4th, 2008 8:52am Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
Thanks Wildfire, I know it's good advice. It's just really hard when it's fresher's week, and everyone else seems to be having a good time and making friends and hanging around together, and you seem to be the only person alone. It makes me worry it really is because I'm boring, and I'm worried that it's going to be a really lonely place if I have to endure an entire course feeling like this. It makes me scared that I shouldn't be here.

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The Jester


Member

Posted Thu Sep 4th, 2008 1:36pm Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
Friends are all about quality.
I'd rather have one true friend that 20 "I guess they're okay" friends.

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Kestrel


Member

Posted Sun Sep 14th, 2008 7:30am Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
I also have a tough time making friends. It takes me ages to feel comfortable enough around people to open up to them, and at uni that's usually too late, cause I change classes and never see them again. Also I'm very shy and the thought of trying to start a conversation with someone I don't know well is genuinely terrifying. Usually I end up trying to avoid people altogether to escape the awkwardness of feeling left out and not knowing what to say; even though I know that hiding will only make it worse.

I guess the only thing to do is to keep trying.

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maitland


Member

Posted Wed Oct 8th, 2008 8:31pm Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
Actually, I don't have a single friend. Its not anyone else's fault at all. I just need a little solitary praxis - and my thoughts are full of contradictions - and my contemplation skills are awful. And I've just employed the personal words of 'I' and 'my' which are pathetic elements.
Ah God. School. School. Exam-pracs are nigh.

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Lauz


Member

Posted Sat Oct 11th, 2008 11:16am Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
I only have the one really close friend. The rest of the people i know are just acquaintances. I don't mind them telling me stuff about themselves but i won't tell them anything back. It takes too long for me to trust them. Took me two years before i opened up to my friend and even now she has to really work for me to talk to her.

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maitland


Member

Posted Sat Oct 11th, 2008 7:16pm Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
hmmm... oh lucky you, why don't you trust people? Do you trust yourself?

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Lauz


Member

Posted Sat Oct 11th, 2008 8:29pm Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
I don't know why i don't trust people. I never have done, it's just one of those things i've gotten used to. I will share very impersonal things with others but no more than that.

In what way do you mean 'Do i trust myself?'

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maitland


Member

Posted Sun Oct 12th, 2008 12:20pm Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
Well, perhaps you're worried about your reputation/identity. And, how is that a problem for you? Do you want to become friends with other people, or do you enjoy being by yourself? Do you like yourself? I think the more it goes on, its really dependent on yourself and the way you feel towards the self. Anyway, I'm not an expert, I'm probably much younger than you anyway and I have problems too.

How would you like to be stuck in a boarding school, with absolutely no outlet for your anger.

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Lauz


Member

Posted Sun Oct 12th, 2008 2:36pm Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
I don't care about stuff like reputation and popularity, i'm not the type of person to put those things first. I don't know whether i enjoy being by myself, but i've always been like it. I guess now that i'm growing up it suits my personality.

I've not been to boarding school so can't comment on that. However i have been in the situation where i have no outlet for my anger. Are you in that situation?

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maitland


Member

Posted Mon Oct 13th, 2008 9:44am Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
Well, what I put before, being 'worried about reputation/identity, wasn't exactly a precise way of putting what I meant - I didn't mean popularity in a way. Well, when I find the words for it, I'll tell you, but maybe you're experiencing alienation?

As for your other question - yes and no. I think I simply have trouble with dealing with situations, because essentially, most of the times, you are presented with choices in the way you want to see things. I have trouble seeing things in a different perspective and instead I find I merely repress anger or fear or sadness. Again, I'm horrible at finding the words fit what I mean - so it sounds like I'm in a great war with myself. Which of course, I may be if you're looking from an avid existentialist point of view.

Yes.... I digress. Anyway, I find it so much easier to be overcome by fear, anger or sadness than to think 'rationally', - as painful and destructive these emotions are, I find, I do take a guilty pleasure from them.

What about you?

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Mares


Member

Posted Fri Oct 17th, 2008 10:23pm Post subject: Making Friends...or rather, NOT
Firstly, it's not always easy, especially in these very divisive days, to make friends.

What I would say is that before doing anything else, don't put yourself down. It's really true that you need to care about yourself before others do.

Never drink or do drugs to fit in.. don't compromise yourself in that way, it doesn't help, it only hurts you.

Get out and get involved locally, with a hobby, a group or organization or take a class that appeals to you. Volunteer somewhere.

Just don't isolate yourself.

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