Ok... I'm just dropping in to share what's been troubling me as it might help others.
Like a few others on this site I've lost a couple of people to suicide so before you're tempted to follow suit please stop and think how you would feel if the people you care most about beat you to it. You know who I'm talking about, those people you would willingly move mountains and turn the world inside out for if you could if that's what it took to make things better.
I've been wrestling with my conscience over saying anything at all as I know when I've been suicidal how much I needed to talk about how low I was feeling. I've hated coming here and hearing about everyone's lows because I'm been petrified that any one of you will attempt suicide and it is (with Xmas coming up) prime suicide season.
I felt I failed the people I lost, I felt I didn't do enough for them, I felt guilty for ever laughing or doing my own thing instead of being there for them. I felt I should have been the one to have died for being such a useless human being.
It's taken copious amounts of counselling for me to learn the hard way that it was their choice and nothing to do with me, but even now I worry what I might inadvertently trigger despite all my best intentions and all my efforts.
The last month has made me realize I can't stop anyone who wants to top themselves, just as no one would have stopped me if I'd really gone for it. We have to want better things, we have to believe we have worth above all things, we have to believe in ourselves.
Some conditions and episodes are so severe that it can seem nigh on impossible to feel that way and that is why with every atom of my being I keep banging on about seeing the professional medical teams whose stock in trade is to help you to see you have worth and a future.
The most anyone else can do is keep rooting for you and be a sounding board. But I know too that we known of us play fair when it comes to our medical teams when we're that low as we keep things from them. How the fuck are they suppose to help you if they're left working in the dark? It boils down to you putting the work in to save your own skin because no one else will, but most of all can do it for you.
I had one person turn around and tell me after a suicide attempt "if you want to try that again, let me know I have some sharp knives and here's how to use them. Don't think I'll come running after you if you want to borrow them because I won't. I'll be glad to be shot of you."
She meant it. It shook me to my senses and she became a closer friend. I never had a serious attempt again. I'm on the flip side now and right with her. If you don't want to fight for yourself, I can't help you and I won't.
Sorry, but if you want people to care about you, you stand a better chance of it if you first start to care about yourself. If you're not interested in you, why should anyone else be? Anyone who does still want to live though... I'm with you all the way through the harder, tougher battle.
Discuss... with your medics please.
It's the one who haven't been assessed I'm scared of!