STEPHEN FRY

Ok... I'm just dropping in to share what's been troubling me as it might help others.

Like a few others on this site I've lost a couple of people to suicide so before you're tempted to follow suit please stop and think how you would feel if the people you care most about beat you to it. You know who I'm talking about, those people you would willingly move mountains and turn the world inside out for if you could if that's what it took to make things better.

I've been wrestling with my conscience over saying anything at all as I know when I've been suicidal how much I needed to talk about how low I was feeling. I've hated coming here and hearing about everyone's lows because I'm been petrified that any one of you will attempt suicide and it is (with Xmas coming up) prime suicide season.

I felt I failed the people I lost, I felt I didn't do enough for them, I felt guilty for ever laughing or doing my own thing instead of being there for them. I felt I should have been the one to have died for being such a useless human being.

It's taken copious amounts of counselling for me to learn the hard way that it was their choice and nothing to do with me, but even now I worry what I might inadvertently trigger despite all my best intentions and all my efforts.

The last month has made me realize I can't stop anyone who wants to top themselves, just as no one would have stopped me if I'd really gone for it. We have to want better things, we have to believe we have worth above all things, we have to believe in ourselves.

Some conditions and episodes are so severe that it can seem nigh on impossible to feel that way and that is why with every atom of my being I keep banging on about seeing the professional medical teams whose stock in trade is to help you to see you have worth and a future.

The most anyone else can do is keep rooting for you and be a sounding board. But I know too that we known of us play fair when it comes to our medical teams when we're that low as we keep things from them. How the fuck are they suppose to help you if they're left working in the dark? It boils down to you putting the work in to save your own skin because no one else will, but most of all can do it for you.

I had one person turn around and tell me after a suicide attempt "if you want to try that again, let me know I have some sharp knives and here's how to use them. Don't think I'll come running after you if you want to borrow them because I won't. I'll be glad to be shot of you."

She meant it. It shook me to my senses and she became a closer friend. I never had a serious attempt again. I'm on the flip side now and right with her. If you don't want to fight for yourself, I can't help you and I won't.

Sorry, but if you want people to care about you, you stand a better chance of it if you first start to care about yourself. If you're not interested in you, why should anyone else be? Anyone who does still want to live though... I'm with you all the way through the harder, tougher battle.

Discuss... with your medics please.

What an awesome idea; wish I'd known about this years ago when I emailed my boss multiple times basically saying I was doing her job better than her!

Nearly did some stupid things this week.. Ugh. I am starting to get a build up of anger an frustration in my head because I didn't go through with those stupid things, dunno really how to get the anger out.. I might go get a piercing or maybe a tattoo..

Vampyros said:
Piercings and tattoos work for me. I have also thought about taking up kick boxing.
Vx

I did kick boxing for a while.. I stopped because I so incredibly lazy and unfit. I am very tempted to get a tattoo.. My family doesn't approve so I would have to get one thats hidden.. Have had a few thoughts, but am still unsure of what to get..

katysara said:
my parents disapprove, I have eleven

Vampyros said:
Piercings and tattoos work for me. I have also thought about taking up kick boxing.
Vx

Here's an interesting hypothesis some of you might test. Chilli Peppers could in fact generate a similar reaction to feelings that people get from Tattoo's, Piercings or Exercise. The active ingredient that generates the "hotness" is from a chemical called "Capsaicin" which causes the body to react firstly we pain and then relief in the form of endorphins. (it's the main reason why people that eat spicy hot foods tend to become "addicts" to the endorphin release)

It's quiet possible that Spicy foods can therefore be seen a safe "upper" (At least until you have to deal with waste extraction)

Hahahahaha that was the most interesting and strange fact I have read all month stryderunknown