STEPHEN FRY

Firlefanz I don't get it?!

KSx

I can't make it work - but I have to make it work.

This truth won;t leave me. As soon as I realised I lost it - you see it IS all my fault - all of it - every last bit why we lve here in Australia though we belong in England, why my husband is on disability pension with anxiety and arthritis and why we are poor.
Things I did and didn't do from 1970 to now - things I never reasided - things I've forgotten.

Sorry - I'll explain later

Well, to continue my post, and explain - I'm on a very big 'downer' right now - my OH just explained how our awful situation, homesick and unable to return, is all my fault, and the worst is, he's right. It is my fault we came here to Oz n the first place, and apparently it is my fault we didn't go into business with his ex-commanding officer in the Royal Navy. That one is something I don't remember: it was 1970, we were in our mid 20s, and for at least a year my OH had constantly whinged about his boss - he was everything awful and his wife even worse. Then they both apparently discussed an art business which the commanding officer would finance. Apparently we all went to dinner together and my attitude made the officer decide not to bother - it would not work as we did not get on. But I just don't remember. I do remember resenting his treatment of OH - something I now realise he may well have exaggerated. I did want to go back to Yorkshire, and that's when many of our troubles started, and why we emigrated.

So, somehow, living in government housing in a place which is very nice, where we are comfortable, but where we do not belong, is all my fault.

I'm used to being blamed for everthing, but this time I can't handle it, I found myself in a hidden part of the garden hyperventilating and crying - at my age!!! You see, the blame is true - admittedly I was only young, but still.....

So I don't know where to turn. I am writing a book, but for months I haven't been able to face it. It is my only chance to replace failure with success, so I'm going back to it.

Doctor can treat depression which is clinically based, but what can you do about depression and despair arise from your own stupid fault??

Hello,

I wonder does anyone else find Sundays unbearable? I really can't do Sundays any more.

I feel in need of some help pretty badly right now and I don't know what to do other than to do something bad and go that way.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?
x

Thank you- it was good advice and you are right, distraction is the name of the game. Sundays stink because I don't have family or close friends to turn to (when it feels like all those around me do) but I still have to meet my responsibilities to my lovely son and to generally not letting everything fall apart even if I am.

But like I said, you are right - sometimes the peculiar mist over fields first thing in the morning that I see on the way to work or the chalk cross on the hillside that I pass (it's the fact that someone can be arsed to maintain it that touches me somehow) remind me that being alive is ok. Distractions are good.

Thanks again.x

Good evening/morning... I'm either on the way way way up or way way down... I have the tearful blahs that generally indicate that I'm crashing however I also have the panic and inability to sit still or think clearly that could be the up. Up is way more fun (and expensive).
Probably shouldn't have accidentally stopped my lithium huh?
I'm moving house tomorrow, totally overwhelmed with packing etc and don't know where to start with the rest. Once its over, I'll be even more in danger of going sky high with the stress relief.
I'm resisting doing the stupid things I do when I get too manic (meeting random people and inviting them home... shopping...) but when those things sometimes make me feel better when I'm sad, its not a good indicator as to which way I'm going to swing...
Anyway, will stop there
Emma
x

CSlow you don't really need me you've given a great answer.

Yes coming off our meds is something we are all tempted to do and all learn the hard way that it was a bad idea. Coming off lithium could send you spiraling up or down, I can't advise without more of your personal history which I don't expect you to post here. From what you said about watching out for manic symptoms I am going to assume you are more likely to become manic (which would certainly be true if you are bipolar I).

Coming off your meds puts you at an increased risk of harm compared to having never taken them. If you had only experienced hypomania you may experience full blown mania. Your depression may be more severe... and most importantly you increase your risk of suicide by a factor of x9.

So, see your doctor, get back on meds asap, bipolar disorder is not a game. I'd love a bit of mania but since my diagnosis nearly 8 years ago I have not missed a day of medication, not one day. Maybe that's because of the frightening place I came from, but I am tempted all the time to get my mania back, now I have cleared my credit card debt, now I could do some more writing (I am an author), now I could do with a good laugh. But I know within days I'd be hospitalised - something I assume you want to avoid too, so please, see your doctor urgently.

KSx