Guide to Life
‘Auntie’ Marjorie Kyte-Hopper’s career as Advisor to the World began when, as a Brownie, she started bossing people about and giving her opinions freely. Marjorie, who has never married, recently published a book, ‘Country Looks for the Woolly-Haired’. She lives in Norfolk with her dog Attila. Marjorie, much to her astonishment, is a gay icon.
CROSS-DRESSING FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Hello My Dears,
Last week, while adding the finishing touches to a gooseberry tart, my telephone rang. It was an old friend of mine enquiring about cross-dressing. I’m always flattered that friends think of me when faced with tricky problems like this one and I was happy to give my advice.
First though, let me touch upon the basics of cross-dressing. It is important, if you want to cross-dress successfully, ascertain just how cross you are on a scale of 1-5 before selecting garments. Mistakes are so easily made and if you are only mildly irritated it simply won’t do to wear, for example, a hat that says ‘I’m going to punch your bleeding lights out.’ Once you know how cross you are you can begin to assemble a suitable high impact ensemble. A tip I always find useful is one given to me by Hemingfold Bilstonemuff the late Marquis of Gallsberry. Red is an angry colour. Simple, but effective. Team a red jerkin or liberty bodice with; perhaps, toning accessories like grenade holders or matching flick knives. Shoulder pads, we don’t care if they are out of fashion, bedecked with military style awards for aggression and barbarism (available from most costume jewellers) will add a real feeling of fury to your outfit.
Finally, never feel ashamed of feeling cross, it takes all sorts to make a world.
How Cross Are You Exactly?
1. Mildly put out
2. Getting a bit het up
3. Quite unreasonably furious
4. Insanely enraged/violent
5. Displaying psychopathic symptoms and considering murdering someone
COTTAGING IN THE VILLAGE
Hello My Dears
I was looking through my copy of People’s Friend the other day, when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it to find my next door neighbour Major Brashe. He was in a very agitated state. He said that he had received a summons from the courts to face a charge of cottaging.
I sat him down and poured him a generous glass of Wincarnis and tried to give him some sage advice.
I told him that there was nothing wrong with living in a cottage, I myself had been cottaging for many years and have never been summoned before the courts. The Major looked at me strangely and asked me if I had something stronger to drink, I went to my secret cupboard and opened a vintage bottle of Sanatogen Tonic Wine and offered him a glass. He downed it in one and asked for another.
I said that I hoped he hadn’t had any alterations down to his cottage without referring them to the parish council because they can get quite obdurate. He mentioned he was being summoned for loitering around the public toilets in the village. I told him that the government gives grants to put conveniences in Grade 1 Listed buildings, so he would have no need to use the public ones. I told him I had seen him near the public toilets in the company of the vicar, perhaps he could give him a hand. The major laughed and left.
RUBBER FOR ALL
Hello My Dears
Last week I read in my local paper that our vicar is a rubber fetishist. Needless to say there are some members of the parish who are shocked by the news. Aren’t we English a stuffy lot? It’s alright for us to be fetishists but not the vicar. I was so outraged by some people’s narrow views that I staged a revolt on the village green. I myself am a rubber fetishist. I think it’s simply marvellous stuff; I get through, on average, nearly two pairs of marigolds per day. More if I’m gardening or going to have anything to do with the boy scouts. And as for always having a rubber on the end of my HB, well I’m never without one. It’s so easy, when jotting down a recipe for a friend, to make a mistake. Swiftly on to Wellingtons then. here in the countryside a decent pair of hard-wearing Wellingtons is a must. I favour the green Stanley Eversfield boot with fleecy lining; they are a little more expensive but so durable and impervious to most wet substances that extra expense is well spent.
A rubber sheet when picnicking always comes in handy. Eleanor Lavishe (A Room With A View) never went anywhere without her Mackintosh Squares. I suppose that makes her a rubber fetishist too. Poo bah to this silly tendency to sneer at users of rubber. When will we realise that we are all users? The tyres on your motor vehicle are made from rubber but you wouldn’t expect to be banned from buying a ticket to the Gang Show because of it would you? I always say it takes all kinds of people to make the bright and beautiful world we live in.
Hello My Dears
Every Wednesday a Drug Advice Group meets in my local Village Hall. I’m astonished by this I must say because most drugs these days come with detailed instructions as to how they should be used. For example, the leaflet included with my migraine tablets is self explanatory. Take two pink ones at the onset of an attack and a yellow one in the midst of an attack. it couldn’t be simpler. So why the need for a Drug Advice group in our sleepy village? I went along to find out.
I was astounded to see so many unhealthy people there. It really brought the message home I can tell you. None of the attendants looked as if they could even manage to get the lid off of a bottle of aspirin let alone read the instructions. I immediately changed my tune and decided that the Drug Advice Group was a good thing. As I was there I took the time to talk to many of the people and can safely say they went away looking absolutely amazed. It seems that they were so stunned by what I had to tell them that they no longer feel the need to attend the group. One of them said to me, “It’s a waste of fucking time coming here.” Isn’t that marvellous? I was so happy to be able to help with what is such an easy to solve problem. If you think you have a problem with drugs take the time to read the leaflet and everything will turn out fine. Finally, it’s nothing to be ashamed of; lots of lovely people have difficulty following instructions.
ADVICE ABOUT SPEED
I learned at the Drug Advice Group that many young people enjoy speed. I don’t understand why doing things fast was being talked about at such a group but my advice is that if you like freewheeling on your bicycle or sprinting that’s your choice and it’s nothing to worry about at all.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG IN BEING GAY
Hello My Dears
I overheard some elderly ladies at the fete last week condemning the Vicar for being gay! I ask you, what could possibly be wrong with that. I interrupted and admonished them. I told them, that with so much misery in the world, it’s nice when people openly admit they are gay. I am always gay; I enjoy a good laugh, and have many a merry thought. The ladies said that they shouldn’t be allowed to marry each other. Preposterous! If like-minded people married each other there would be fewer arguments. The ladies, eyeing me strangely, said there was also the rumour that there was at least one Lesbian in the village. I said that, although I have never been to Lesbia, I am sure they are very nice people. And as a Gay icon, people look up to me to promote merriment, laughter and gaiety. Shout it out loud, I’m Gay and proud of it!!