So here it is … my version of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ … and by the time you’ve finished reading, you’ll more than understand why you should beware of strangers bearing gifts … especially really hairy ones dressed in red!?!?!?!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Could be heard something stirring, it caused me to rouse
The mouse was a’trembling as I crept past his lair
As I moved through the house making sure to take care
I checked in the bedrooms in all of the beds
And yes there was snoring from the slumbering heads
But I pulled up their eyelids, checked under their caps
For I had to be sure that it wasn’t a trap
I looked out on the lawn as my teeth made a chatter
With the cold and the fear in my head they did clatter
I looked through the window, my light made a flash
But could see nothing out there to cause me to dash
Though I did chuckle briefly as out in the snow
Someone had writ and t’was all done in yellow!
But I returned to my search, to blearily peer
In search of the noise that rang through my ears
As I came down the stairs fairly lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick
He’d done this before just the last time he came
He’d whistled and shouted, I’d called him such names
I shone my torch round and it lit up the kitchen
To see Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen!
They’d munched on the cookies and then had the gall
To empty their bowels where they stood on the floor!
Just wait til I find him, I’ll cause him to fly!
That ruddy red obstacle that came from the sky!
I marched back up the stairs, in fact almost flew
To give old St Nick a few words overdue
The swine he was tinkling, up there on my roof
Laughing and cawing and drinking Vermouth
I drew myself up, and then swift turned around
As he shot down the stairs with a skip and a bound
I ran down the stairs, I made fast my pursuit
Just in time for the git to kick off his fur boots
He flung off his jacket and then turned his back
And part dropped his trousers to show me his crack
His cheeks how they twinkled with dimples so merry!
Surprisingly so for a butt so darn hairy!
Then he turned and he smiled and popped on a bow
On the front of his pants, as part of the show
He pulled up his trousers and showed me his teeth
And picked out some mincemeat with bits of my wreath
Then he pulled up his top and showed me his belly
And let off a fart … oh man, was it smelly!!?!
I clutched at my nose and then stared at this ‘elf’
And I started to laugh, though in spite of myself
He gave me a wink did this man all in red
As things started to fade and the fumes hit my head
Then with nary a word, he went straight to his work
Crapped in the stockings all the while with a smirk
And using my candy he picked out his nose
Then trumped out the door with a laugh as it closed.
He ran to his sleigh, called his team out the house
They legged it at speed and trampled the mouse
And Santa exclaimed as they shot out of sight
“We’ll see you next year for another good night!”
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE … SEE YOU ALL IN 2008!!!!!!!
