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obsidio


Member

Posted Wed Feb 4th, 2009 7:52pm Post subject: My Purpose
Ok so here's a poem I wrote this morning after some tension in my house over someone not pulling his weight for the last few months with cleaning comunal spaces, washing up etc. I literally havn't written more than a couplet at a time for a few years and this kind of appeared in my head and after half an hours work took shape so its a pleasant surprise really. Cant say people I know are that into poetry so I thought this would be a good place to get some opinion/in-put.


My Purpose

I’m so glad that I have met Mister P.
It all makes so much sense now you see.
I never really had much sense of purpose;
Day-to-day actions once close to worthless.
I used to wake up thinking ‘there must be more!’
Well, thanks to him I know what I’m here for.

It’s not some notion of a greater good
Or doing the things that I thought I should.
Forget providing for my future blood
Or living the best possible life I could.
No need to worry for them that raised me.
Twenty-one years waiting. Now he’s saved me!

It took a while to see I must confess,
My purpose in life – clearing up P’s mess!

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PamJH


Member

Posted Thu Feb 5th, 2009 2:50am Post subject: My Purpose
I found this to be quite funny, especially the last couplet. It was fun to read. I'm not sure if that's the input you're looking for, but there it is.

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obsidio


Member

Posted Thu Feb 5th, 2009 7:27pm Post subject: My Purpose
Yep I was looking for any kind of reaction or suggestion for improvement or whatever so thanks! i'm glad you liked it.

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PamJH


Member

Posted Thu Feb 5th, 2009 9:55pm Post subject: My Purpose
Have you looked at Stephen Fry's "Ode Less Traveled"? He does a great job of introducing the hows and whys of writing your own poetry. I've just completed exercise 4 and while I doubt I would put it on the forum, I'm having fun with it. I never knew much about meter and such, and this is a gentle way to learn those things.

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obsidio


Member

Posted Fri Feb 6th, 2009 12:15pm Post subject: My Purpose
Interestingly I read about half of The Ode Less Travelled around this time last year and failed to produce much more than a couple of lines, a triplet of ok stuff at most but nothing like a whole poem. What this suggests to me is that either poetry (for me at-least) is from the heart or alternatively Stephen's lessons take a year to sink in to the subconscious! lol well either way I'm sure the book has benefitted me and like anything taught it has to be learnt and possibly wont amount to much without inspiration.

As a comparison, here is a poem I wrote when I was around fifteen before I'd even heard of Stephen Fry which is actually in the same format as the one above . . I think its called a Shakespearian sonnet, i'm sure the book talks about this layout.

Bliss

The suns rays heating my face,
A bird singing with untold grace.
Rolling over I open an eye,
To see a perfect sapphire sky.
The grass around me, fresh, ripe, new.
Above, an endless beautiful blue.

A lovely new dawn. A pleasant new day,
Feeling good in such a special way.
Confidence blooming like flowers around.
Surging with life, like the trust I've found.
Touch like silk, and taste like fire,
I've found the one, my true desire.

A slow, caressing, caring, kiss,
Can open minds to an earthly Bliss.


It could probably do with some tidying up. I dont know whether it's better to improve it to some kind of better poetical standard (like making all the lines the same length) or just leave it to show progression in my poetry . . . assuming that there will be more lol! To date I've only written about ten or so, mostly when I was younger, half of which weren't worth remembering.

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PamJH


Member

Posted Fri Feb 6th, 2009 4:57pm Post subject: My Purpose
That was quite good for a 15-year-old. I'm not sure I'd change it. Emotions grow and mature (I hope, at least) as we age. I'd keep the poem to remind of how it felt to be 15. I think that as we age we sometimes forget what it's like to be young.

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tickytocky


Member

Posted Sun Mar 8th, 2009 7:30pm Post subject: My Purpose
Keep at it and never be discouraged. Good poems require content that is the distillation of the author's experience, a delicious use of language and a form and structure which contain and enhance the whole without distracting from it. That takes years of practice!

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