My Dear Mr Fry
As I sit here today at 3.13 p.m. in order to attempt once again to impart to your good self the matter which is most definitely at the forefront of my mind, I find that once more the weather is proving to be most inclement and is thereby dampening my fervour just a soupcon, however, needs must and I am most determined to press on in dogged fashion in spite of the profuse precipitation. In fact ‘dogged’ would be most apt with regard to circumstances today as the meteorological machinations have made for a day of intensive hibernation by myself and my trusty hirsute trio of hounds … *gives self stern talking to* … however, I am most aware that yet again I am in danger of digressing and ceasing to be succinct … so, let’s get right to the point.
Although, whilst I’m here and seeing as I’ve already mentioned the little dears, let me just briefly introduce you to my tactically troublesome tribe. They consist of two doubty and doggedly determined damsel dachshunds edibly named Chilli and Pepper, and to compliment the ‘culinary concoction’ there is a most tumultuously trenchant terrier by the name of Beanie. Ah, the tails of derring do that I could tell with regard to this happy little band, but I am all too aware that I must avoid straying, a tad or otherwise, from the task at hand.
Now then, without further ado or preamble I shall do my best to get right to the heart of the matter and be precise and concise from this moment forward as I recall that with my first literary attempt I was unfortunately forced to cut short my loquations due to having to concentrate on the after dinner speech for The Society for the Support of the Sporadically Somnolent … which, by the way, went rather well. The turnout far exceeded expectations and it was an absolute delight to see our favourite octogenarian, Mr Pemberton cutting quite a figure in his original 1950s tuxedo … and all credit to him for managing to avoid nodding off in his soup this year (it was Minestrone last year, and a rather nice mushroom this year). I must just mention that on the previous occasion it was only due to the remarkable reflexes and excellent work on the part of our astonishingly agile Mr Johnston (age 77) for being quick enough to turn Mr Pemberton’s head sideways in the soup bowl before he himself nodded off in the remains of his prawn cocktail, thereby avoiding what could have been a most unfortunate incident and thankfully negating the need for intervention by those splendid chaps from the St John’s Ambulance.
Ah, my fingers are fairly flying across the keyboard today in spite of the fearsome flooding deluge outside and indeed I am taking great pleasure in the rather fine hot and chocolatey beverage that is positioned just to the right of me, on the windowsill next to a slightly wilted Asparagus Fern that has so far refused to respond to my most tender of ministrations – perhaps you yourself have had such a fern and might be able to offer some small suggestion on how to revive and invigorate my rather sorry looking specimen.
And now I take great pleasure in coming to the point of this rather fine and frivolous piece of flannel … or at least I would … unfortunately I have become embarrassingly aware that its 3.24 p.m. as the reminder in my mobile phone has just sounded and I must, I’m afraid, again beg your pardon and offer my most profuse of apologies as I take leave of this letter and head out of the door in the general direction of my chiropodist as I have a rather painful bunion on the littlest toe on my right foot. I feel sure that this has been caused by a pair of shoes that I am rather fond of but that have sadly seen better days, and it’s simply stubbornness on my part that I have continued to wear them in spite of the folly of this kind of attitude.
But please, please be assured that I shall indeed once again write to your good self in the very near future so that I might bring your attention to a matter of the utmost importance.
So, until the next time, I shall sign off here and remain, as ever, sincerely your mildly mithered and faintly skew whiff new acquaintance …