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Jon.Summers


Member

Posted Thu Dec 11th, 2008 11:40am Post subject: My Waterloo
Stay your hand, madame, stand back dear and wait,
Stay your hand, madame, don't precipitate -
Brave troubadours, quickly, before it's too late!

Up through the shallows, the congealed jam,
Wild, wide hips wobbling up out of the straits -
Stay your hand, madame, stand back dear and wait.

Tuck those shirts in, boots polished, pronto, man,
No lingering lads, out onto the plate -
Brave troubadours, quickly, before it's too late!

Greetings, boys - hats off, good evening madame,
Onwards my son through the stampeding fates -
Stay your hand, madame, stand back dear and wait.

Guns loaded, powder, cocked, raised, fired, bam bam,
Begone! you grumblies back into the straits -
Brave troubadours, quickly, before it's too late!

Upwards, a late surge, arms raised, thank you ma'am,
One then another in twos and in eights -
Stay your hand, madame, stand back dear and wait.
Brave troubadours, quickly, before it's too late!

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Gardenhead


Member

Posted Thu Dec 11th, 2008 9:46pm Post subject: My Waterloo
If there's one criticism to make it may be your slight over-punctuation; it can slow down what otherwise is a fast and exciting piece.

Jolly good all the same, I especially like the repetition (and I'm not usually a huge fan of repetition) of 'Brave troubadors, quickly, before it's too late!'.

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amberzak


Member

Posted Thu Dec 11th, 2008 9:59pm Post subject: My Waterloo
If there's one criticism to make it may be your slight over-punctuation; it can slow down what otherwise is a fast and exciting piece.

Jolly good all the same, I especially like the repetition (and I'm not usually a huge fan of repetition) of 'Brave troubadors, quickly, before it's too late!'.

I would have to agree. Though I loved the poem, and I just ignored the punctuation and created my own rhythm.

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Jon.Summers


Member

Posted Fri Dec 12th, 2008 10:21am Post subject: My Waterloo
Thanks both, glad you enjoyed it! I'll give some thought to the punctuation...

Cheers,

Jon

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