STEPHEN FRY

I wonder, is it possible to see a consultant in this business through private means so that I can prove myself right or wrong once and for all?


Hi. You should be able to request a referral to a psychiatrist who does private consultations through your GP, or any GP in your practice. It doesn't matter if your GP is unsympathetic or lacking sufficient knowledge of psychiatry to diagnose and treat you him/her self. It is your right to ask and he or she has an obligation to treat you appropriately. If that means that for whatever reason you cannot see a psychiatrist using the usual NHS channels and the normal clinic hours of that psychiatrist, then if you are prepared to pay to see a psychiatrist privately, simply ask that your GP makes a referral for a private practice psychiatrist.

Many NHS psychiatrists also work some hours in a private clinic, so depending where in GB you are, you may have a good chance of success. That said, the ones who work in the private sector are often more frequently found in larger towns and cities. Some private sector psychiatrists are affiliated to private clinics where they have in-patient facilities as well.

It does depend on you being willing to pay for a private consultation. I would also suggest that you do a bit of searching (Internet is often helpful using key words in Google searches). Don't dismiss the psychiatrist who mostly does NHS work but puts in a few hours private work, either. They are more likely to be up to date with the latest clinical guidelines and best practice as dictated by the Royal College of Psychiatrists. If you get a name, check them out for their date of qualification (gives you an idea how much experience they have) and what speciality they are registered in (as you know, there are different branches of psychiatry).

Have you tried asking people for their views on forums such as the Manic Depression forum (www.mdf.org.uk)?

I hope that this helps a little bit. Good luck and all the best,

Flookwit

Thanks, flookwit, I suspected as much about the system. Regulatory bodies with budgetary problems aren't generally proactive, so until they are forced by public pressure in the wake of some type of scandal, I doubt that anything will change.

I need help, but it is impossible to get it. I'm caring for my husband who has an anxiety condition including mild agoraphobia. He cannot go anywhere without me there, and I have to be home with him, making my idea of doing a bit of ESL teaching a pipe dream. He also has bad arthritis and walks and gets up from his chair with difficulty. I have a carer's pension and he has a disability pension..

His condition means he is extremely critical and I get the brunt of it - constant criticism and anger when I make mistakes - even when I don't make a mistake, but things have gone a bit wrong. For example, he needed the surface spray: I gave him the almost empty can plus a can of normal spray, saying that was all we had. He got really impatient and shouted that there was another full one, then found there wasn't. No apology - never is. All my life, since early childhood I've been slightly deaf in my right ear, but he still gets mad when I mis-hear, and says I could hear properly if I tried..

He hates being here in Australia and misses England, but our sons are here and I know England has changed a lot: I know it is the past he wants, not current day England. In any case, he was the one who insisted we come.

He gets mad about everything - adverts, news, politcs, other peoples' driving, neighbours' dogs, me.....He says I'm not accepting getting older, and try to do too much. It is true I work hard in the garden, but it is where I find sanity and peace. Plus I grow food there.

He's a bad habit of raining on peoples' parades - if our sons come and see us and tell about some triumph or plan or whatever, he cannot stop himself fouring cold water on it .

I gave up driving years ago - I was never very good at it, and couldn't drive with him beside me for pretty obvious reasons. So how the hell can I get help? I can't tell him I need help, I'd get the third degree and make him much much worse. I cannot go anywhere secretly.

He's ex forces and has seen scary action, and hates the sedate life he has to live. He's highly intelligent and analyical, but refuses to concede to my own area of expertise, namely languages and linguistics. he insists he's right about things, where I know he is not right, but there is no point in arguing,

Sometimes he is his old, lovely self, and I relax and am happy. But I should never relax, because inevitably something I do or say triggers either a depression attack and withdrawal , or anger

I have got the the stage where I am constantly fighting back tears. If I let them show - I'll get questioned and pushed to explain why. I cannot specify why I feel such despair, but I have lost hope. Most of the time, I wear a cheerful face and refuse to let the constant picking get me down. I tell myself it is his condition, not his fault, not my fault, and I have a duty not to make things worse.

Sometimes I think I should just fight back - in fact yesterday I just lost it and yelled at him, but it didn't help in the end. I know it is in my power to change things, but I'm seeing things subjectively, from the inside. A psychotherapist could help me see the patterns that are harmful, and help me change them, for both our sakes.

I cannot consider counselling, he derides such things, and regards counsellors as either patronising 'lady bountifuls' or over qualified, underexperienced idiots.

So there you go - I keep having to escape to the loo - the only private place here, and stuff a hanky up my nose until the crying feeling dissipates, then swill my face with cold water and put on the OK act.

Help might well be available, but I can't access it without making things worse.

Sorry about the rant, and I know I'm not the on ly one in this position.

Thanks for that - the site still expects a person to go through their GP though. I'm not sure if I'm ready to make it all formal. I still think I can sort it if I can only get a grip on it all.

Here is an example of what is going on. This morning we got up late, it was quite warm, and after I got breakfast out I noticed the heater was still on. He feels the cold far more than I do. Here is the exchange:

Me: Oh, did you know the heater's still on?
him: Yes - of course it's on - what's wrong with you? Open the door if you're bothered it won't make any difference!
Me: I'm OK - I just thought you'd not noticed it.
Him: I know you - it was more than that - you are being insidious. Typical.

Next exchange when Abba came on the radio.
Him: They were great: this song was written when the blonde one was heartbroken over her breakup.
Me: Yes- I've never denied they're good musicians.
Him: I think you don't like them because your sister doesn't.
Me: I never knew my sister's opinion of them.
Him Yeah right.
Me It's just that I like a bit more emotion in my music - they're too perfect.
Him: That sort of pseudo sophisticated clap trap is right out of the 60s.
Me: I think I'll go online and check my emails.
Him.(Angily) I'm sick of you, I can't say anything - you're regressing to childhood - grow up.
Me: (silence.)

Now, these things don't sound too bad in isolation, but it is like this all day and every day. I try not to say things that start this kind of exchange, but eventually I relax and something comes out that shouldn't.. To make matters worse, I've been a bit forgetful all my life, and a bit clumsy, so annoying things happen from time to time, which he blows out of all proportion.

I've been OK for years, ignoring all illogical and/or unfair exchanges, but something has snapped and I'm suddenly constantly fighting tears and despair.

i like that phrase, a "stop sign"...

joan, did you say he has been this way for a long time? how long? maybe this is a bad habit for him, and he has no way of knowing how it hurts other people.

i've only been in one long term relationship...i think we would have married if it were legal! when it ended, i was very surprised to realize how much our way of communicating with each other had warped and changed...and we said things to each other that our parents might have said to us when we were young. mean things, selfish things. sometimes we would try and be clear and honest...yet, when one of us would say "you hurt me by doing this" if the other of us DID see that clearly, they would hate themselves and cry and weep all night. it's very hard. anyways...what i'm trying to say is, once these confusing tangled messes got started, it was hard for either of us to STOP and see how we really wanted to treat each other...because we did both really love each other and if someone could pull us aside into a calmer place and help us talk it out, i think it would have been okay.

we tried couples counseling and that did not help, but i truly believe that this was because our counselor was a bad counselor. and after talking to others about it, the type of negligence that went on is pretty rare.

i know you say he won't go, so perhaps you could go for yourself...and not keep it a secret from him or anything. then the counselor could help you, and possibly help you get him in there also. and if the counselor ever says things that make you feel worse or make you feel like everything is your fault or tries to take sides, leave and find someone else to help you.

i don't know why i'm sounding so parental, i don't really have much experience in these problems! but you're a great person and a good friend i see on this forum all the time. i hope the best for you.

Thank you everyone - yes, I did feel better for posting here, but things have got worse anyway. Big row this morning - but at least I'm not geting picked on now - we are not speaking because things got really bad and I wanted to leave but circumstances mean I cannot.

Anyway, I'll leave it now, and will take notice of what you've all said.

Hi Joan,
I think I have mentioned many posts ago that we as a family immigrated from the UK to Australia in 1970. I was only 3 at the time, and apart from a 14 month stay in Alice Springs, we have been based in Adelaide ever since.

Dad went through the same anxieties for almost 30 years with regards to returning "home", and at times it has been very hard to deal with, and equally difficult for my brothers and I to establish a sense of pride with regards to this country.

The thing that eventually helped him to settle was the arrival of grandkids, with the oldest born about 10 years ago now. Up until then however, he was always bitter and resentful, and not so much of Australia, but resentful of the fact that we had left England all those years ago. The arrival of number one grandchild seemed to change his outlook, and I guess it gave him a new perspective of life, and now provided extended family at hands reach. Something (with no other family here) he had never experienced.

I have also gone through similar feelings over many years, wondering what life would have been like had we not immigrated all those years ago, but it's imposable to calculate fate, and things might have turned out better, but then again they may have possibly turned worse. Anyway, at the end of the I am very happy with life so far, and that's what really counts.

I think Chris's advice in following your heart is the best advice I can offer Joan. I believe we get one shot at life, and although we all should expect our fair share of ups and downs, there is a limit. Only you know what is right or wrong here Joan, and if you look deep within, and think what is right for you, I am sure you will make the right decision. Taking steps to immigrate to a country on the opposite side of the globe all those years ago was a brave step to make Joan, and in doing so, I'm sure you have it within yourself to nut his one out.

Another set of ears to listen to your situation would be a huge help, I would certainly recommend seeing your GP and asking for a referral to speak to someone. Please refer to my kick start post for this thread in seeking a referral in Oz. I'm pretty sure it's similar state to state. I know you have stated that counselling is not an option Joan, but I personally would seek counselling out as an individual, and would do so in order to initially provide some self help.

Take care,
oxo
Pete

PS. How this reads OK. My keyboard batteries are dying.