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TheTruth


Member

Posted Fri Sep 16th, 2011 9:10am Post subject: Opposite feelings.

Hey guys, I haven't posted in here for a very long time. I'd like some opinions on something that has been happening to me of late.

I'm recently to be discharged from my early intervention service after being with them for a good 4 years now. I'm well known there, so it's a little sad not to be able to go back again. I've tried many medications and therapies, some worked better than others and some not at all, most being the latter. I am better than I was a few years ago, but I am still very sad/depressed at most things in the world. I find everything difficult to cope with, it's as though I'm the conduit for everybody else's sadness, and I can feel it when I see people in the street. I want to cry most of the time, especially at work. I want to go out, but I don't. I want to be in a relationship, but I don't. I want to move out, but I don't. I want to live, but at the same time I don't. These are a few examples of the conflicting ideas and emotions I get.

To make up for all of that, I've been spending a lot of money on things I can't really afford. Last month I bought a brand new motorcycle on finance, I go out most weeks to restaurants for dinner, spending at least £50 a time. I can't afford any of this, but I keep telling myself I deserve it and I'll be dead soon so it won't matter anyway.

This week I kissed another girl, a good friend of mine, which has added to my already guilty persona as I haven't and don't want to tell my girlfriend. At the time I was and still am at my lowest and highest point in a good two years. I don't want to use my mental illness as an excuse, but at the same time I feel that what I'm feeling isn't right and can't be helped.

I sincerely believe that some people are born sad/can't be helped, so self destruct. It feels like that for me. I've tried so many things that I feel like a lost cause at current. I know it will pass, and maybe in an hour I'll feel better again, but I know it will also come back as quick, or maybe a month down the line. I am quite tired and fed up of having to keep up with it/myself.

I don't know what the topic of this thread is now I've typed this much. So I completely understand if I get no replies


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Vampyros


Member

Posted Sun Sep 18th, 2011 2:07am Post subject: Opposite feelings.

After years of misdiagnosis I did not know where I was (still feel that way a lot of the time) but now do believe I was born sad, moody early signs of depression. I go into self destruct a lot. isolating myself, not taking care of myself, refusing help. But I do hope it will improve and be more stable for longer some day.

Are you still getting plenty of professional support?

Vx

I think my multiple personalities have multiple personalities - makes for quite a party.

"Books and friends should be few but good."

"It is better to be in chains with friends , than to be in a garden with strangers." -Persian Proverb
"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends." - Richard Bach

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TheTruth


Member

Posted Sun Sep 18th, 2011 6:49pm Post subject: Opposite feelings.

I'm not getting any professional support as of now. I could go through the whole process again of going to my gp and waiting to be referred, but there's nothing for me anymore, I'd just be saying the same things I have for the past 4-5 years.

Very difficult to know what to do anymore. Sitting and staring at nothing has become all too common haha.


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michael


Member

Posted Sun Sep 18th, 2011 9:22pm Post subject: Opposite feelings.

Hi Truth!!

it sounds like a great thing that you are feeling better than you have in the past! that's good. (i typed goos at first... oops)

this is just my take on your brief message, but to me it sounds like you could use some simple life-managing tools more than med changes. i know, that phrase "life managing tools" sounds like something that comes up on a corporate powerpoint or motivational poster...i can't think of another phrase.

what i mean is, things that help you sort out your feelings. you say you want and feel opposite things at the same time (and geeze i know how that is) but maybe it would be helpful to give yourself scales of 1-10 and keep a little notebook of the parts of life that seem rollercoastery. "today i want to be in a relationship - 9. today i want to be in a relationship - 2."

i sometimes do that, and i don't act on what i'm writing down in any way...i don't make decisions based on it. i mean, if "feel like going to work" is "zero" i may still go... but i got it out there what my feelings about it were...and really, sometimes that goes a long way!

plus i get to look back and see that in a few weeks i may be enjoying things more.

i'm a little concerned about your money sitch not because of the amounts, but just hearing that you're starting to think like you won't be around in the future.

How's that going? Have you been feeling like that awhile?

Maybe we can find some things for you to plan in the future, good things

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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TheTruth


Member

Posted Tue Sep 20th, 2011 3:09pm Post subject: Opposite feelings.

Hi Michael. Thanks for your reply. I may have to start doing that, I have done similar things in the past, but i've always had no motivation to keep track of things.

As far as thinking that I won't be round in the future goes, I've always thought that way, recently amplified. Come to think of it, I've started a lot of things recently, trying to feel part of things I guess. I'll be learning mandarin Chinese at the university with my girlfriend soon. I've started work for the first time. I started wing chun in the midst of all this months ago. Learning to ride a motorcycle. We've planned to go to China for 6 months next year, whether that will happen I don't know, or if I even want to. I need to start playing music again, that's my ultimate. I'm not making sense, I don't think.

You're all lovely.


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michael


Member

Posted Fri Sep 23rd, 2011 8:36pm Post subject: Opposite feelings.

that makes a lot of sense.

go ahead and keep planning stuff, even if, to you, it doesn't quite seem real or you're not sure what you want.

for me, sometimes i'm kind of half-heartedly planning, and then, one day, the thing i was planning for starts to happen, and it's kind of like "where the hell did that come from?" like..."i didn't plant that okra" and someone says "yeah you did! you were just kinda foggy." and i go "oh. well, hey... that's cool, i like okra."

and if THAT makes sense, well... hm! you are talented!!

most importantly, what is wing chun ? i can google it, but it's more fun to ask you.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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TheTruth


Member

Posted Sat Sep 24th, 2011 12:59pm Post subject: Opposite feelings.

I think I'm the same, I never really make plans as everyone around me seem to insist upon doing. I guess I'll just have to see what happens, I know nothing till then.

Wing Chun is a traditional Chinese Kung Fu. I often come home with bruised arms and bleeding knuckles, which makes me feel like he-man


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Vampyros


Member

Posted Sun Sep 25th, 2011 8:29pm Post subject: Opposite feelings.

People will get used to the fact you cannot plan. I just say its in the diary will see nearer the time. if they insist on an answer they get a "No thanks"

Vx

I think my multiple personalities have multiple personalities - makes for quite a party.

"Books and friends should be few but good."

"It is better to be in chains with friends , than to be in a garden with strangers." -Persian Proverb
"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends." - Richard Bach

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michael


Member

Posted Wed Oct 5th, 2011 10:44pm Post subject: Opposite feelings.

wing chun sounds fun! i've been trying to take capoeira again, but last night it didn't happen because i suck at driving in the dark and got lost! speaking of planning, i need to remember that i don't have a sense of direction

V- ya i couldn't get by without a calendar. unfortunately i sometimes forget to put stuff in it.

"HELLO I'M TACTILE !" is an anagram of my name

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indiglo1964


Member

Posted Wed Oct 5th, 2011 11:30pm Post subject: Opposite feelings.

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum. I am not sure what the post subject means so I will just say I am very inspired by what I have read here and hope to talk with some of you soon.


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